STOP ME IF YOU’VE HEARD THIS ONE
12 DECEMBER 1939
NBC Radio
Emcee: Milton Berle
Panelists: Harry Hershfield, Jay C. Flippen, Senator Ford
(Music)
DAN SEYMOUR: Stop, listen, and laugh as Quaker Puffed Wheat and Quaker Puffed Rice, the delicious cereals that start you out smiling, bring you radio’s new laugh hit program, “Stop Me if You’ve Heard This One,” written by you, the radio audience. “Stop Me if You’ve Heard This One” brings you the music of Vincent Travers, two famous personalities, Harry Hershfield and Jay C. Flippen, our invited guest, the wit and humorist Senator Ford, and the star of our program, the memory man who knows all the answers if he asks the questions -- your Quaker Puffed Wit, Milton Berle.
(Applause)
MILTON BERLE: Thank you. Thank you, Dan Seymour, and good evening, ladies and gentlemen. It’s the tenth week for this program, and the ninth week for this shirt. Before I go any further, may I say to you listeners, if there’s a hungry pigeon on your aerial, don’t chase it away. It knows a crumb when it hears one. Anyway, it’s too cold to chase them away. Believe it or not, I can’t stand this cold weather myself. I’m so anaemic, six of my blood vessels are in dry dock. This time last year, I was on one of those southern cruises. And was I on a fancy boat? It was called the SS Micky Finn. The sailors were the swankiest sailors I ever saw. They didn’t have pictures tattooed on their chests. Etchings! When I got on the boat I walked into the stateroom, and I said to the steward, I said, “Where’s the clothes closet?” He said, “You’re in it.” All the card sharps on the boat were put in steerage. That’s because they wanted to be near the bottom of the deck.
(Audience groans)
MB: I won’t wait. In the middle of the trip they caught a stowaway and the made the poor guy scrub the decks, wash the dishes, and peel the potatoes. Boy, was I tired the next morning. But the food on the boat was wonderful. I enjoyed every meal I missed. One passenger fell overboard and it was very tough saving him from drowning. He only came up twice. He was a stubborn republican, and he didn’t think he should come up for the third time. We…
(Audience applauds)
MB: Thank you. Thanks, democrats. We went to the West Undies. I mean the West Indies. I caught myself underwears. The water is so… Believe it or not, the water is so clear there that two fishes were swimming around, and one fish pointed to me and he said to the other, he said, “Look, sister, that’s Milton Berle, the comedian. I listened to him last week, and yesterday, I, too laid a million eggs.”We finally reached the West Indies, and things are so bad down there that the kids who used to dive for quarters are now diving for IOUs. And you ought to see those hula dancers doing their native dance. One of the hula girls was penalized five yards for having her backfield in motion. And now, here’s sailor boy Seymour to take over the wheel and get us into port.
DS: Aye aye, sir. Milton, what do you do when you reach port?
MB: I didn’t hear you, Dan.
DS: I said, what do you do when you reach port?
MB: I look at the label and I drink it. Oh! Oh! Port!
DS: Come on, let’s get sailing. And now, folks, I want to thank you for the jokes you’ve sent in to “Stop Me if You’ve Heard This One.” As you know, every joke used on this program is sent in by you, the radio audience. For each joke we use, the sender gets five dollars, and a case of Quaker Puffed Rice. And if our three professional humorists, whom we call the Gagbusters, fail to guess the correct answer to a joke, the sender receives a bonus of five dollars plus a Majestic portable radio. You send in the jokes, Milton reads all of your joke up to the last line, and then it’s up to the Gagbusters to try to supply the answers.
MB: Very good diction, Dan. Dan, you know, I envy you. You must have gone to a lot of schools to become a radio announcer.
DS: Oh, well, don’t envy me, Milton. If I didn’t go to any schools, I could have become a radio comedian.
MB: (Chinese accent) Very clever. Very clever, Mr. Seymour. Very clever, but you know what Confucius say?
DS: What?
MB: Confucius say, “Announcer who try to be good joke man better watch out. Wind up being Good Humor man.” (Natural voice) See? I told him, didn’t I? I thank you. I thank you. And now, ladies and gentlemen, I want you to meet our three Gagbusters -- the three stoppers for our toppers. First the famous cartoonist and after-dinner speaker Harry Hershfield.
HARRY HERSHFIELD: Right here, Milton.
MB: Second, that master of flippancy, Jay C. Flippen.
JAY C. FLIPPEN: That’s me, boss.
MB: And our guest for the evening, a famous wit and humorist, Senator Ford
SENATOR FORD: Good evening.
MB: And I want you to meet them all. Here they are, ladies and gentlemen.
(Applause)
MB: That’s fine. Three little Gagbusters all in a row. Here’s the first joke, and away we go. It comes from Mr. H. Rossen of Roxbury, Massachusetts, and he will get five dollars and a case of Quaker Puffed Rice for submitting it. Two men were talking in a restaurant, and one said, “I’m going to order oysters, because my sister once got a ten thousand dollar pearl from an oyster.” What dd the other fellow say?
SF: Stop!
MB: We have a very bright guest with us, tonight. Alright, Senator, do you know it? Let’s have the joke.
SF:I think I do. Do you want me to do the whole thing?
MB: The whole joke please, yes.
SF: Well, there were two men went into a restaurant, and one of them said, “I think I’ll order oysters, because my sister got a ten thousand dollar pearl out of an oyster.”
MB: Yeah.
SF: And the other fellow said, “That’s nothing. My sister got a ten thousand dollar diamond ring out of an old crab.”
MB: Okey, doke! That’s the joke! Very, very good, Senator. Very good. Very good. Now, here’s the next joke, sent in by Mrs. S. Dodd of Birmingham, Alabama. So I think this is very cute. Stop me if you’ve heard this one. A gangster went into a dentist’s office, and the dentist looked into the gangster’s mouth, and he said, “Which tooth do you want pulled?” What did the gangster say?
HH: Stop!
MB: Okay, Harry.
HH: The dentist says, “Which tooth do you want pulled?”
MB: Yes.
HH: And the gangster says, “Find it yourself. I’m no stool pigeon.”
MB: Okey-doke! That’s the joke! Very good, Harry. Very, very, very good. That’s the gangster and the dentist. I know a girl that has so much bridge work in her mouth, every time I kiss her I have to pay a toll charge. Now, here’s the next joke, sent in…
JCF: Very good, Milton. You know, that reminds me. There were two fellows…
MB: No jokes. No jokes, Flippen. Wait a minute, will you. Please. The radio audience sends in the jokes.
JCF: Oh yeah?
MB: Yeah, they do.
JCF: Who sent you in?
MB: Flippen, you’re making a fool out of yourself.
JCF: Yeah, but I’m doing it from coast to coast.
MB: Can’t you be smart, like the other Gagbusters?
JCF: No, I want to be like you.
MB: Well, I’ll admit one thing: that there’s no one who can tell a joke as well as you do.
JCF: Thank you.
MB: Or as often. So often we go to the next joke, and it’s from Washington, Pennsylvania, and it was sent in by Mrs. B. Murray, and I think it’s rather clever. Stop me if you’ve heard this one. A captain of a regiment said to the soldier, he says, “You know the orders. When I say, ‘Over the top,’ shoot at will.” And what did the soldier say?
HH: Stop!
MB: Pretty good, Harry. Two in a row. Will you give me the joke, please?
HH: Yeah. The captain of the regiment said to the solider, “When you go over the top, I want you to shoot at will.” And the soldier said, “Out of ten thousand soldiers, I gotta hit a guy named Will!”
MB: Okey, doke! That’s the joke! Very good. You beat the punch to the punch. Very clever. This program proves that the public remembers good jokes.
JCF: What about the kind you tell?
MB: Listen, Flippen, I don’t have you apologize for my jokes. You know that.
JCF: You’re right. They’re old enough to apologize for themselves.
MB: You got it in, didn’t you? I think I’ll join Spencer Tracy and look for Dr. Livingstone. Here’s the next…
SF: I think I’ll join Jack Benny and look for Mary Livingstone.
MB: Well, the next joke is…
JCF: I think I’ll join the sponsor and look for a new program.
MB: How do you like that? That Flippen isn’t satisfied with the program. What’s radio coming to?
JCF: Television.
MB: Television. Well, here’s the next joke, sent it…
SF: Say, Milton. Milton.
MB: Yes, senator? What is it?
SF: Do you think that television will ever take the place of the old fashioned keyhole?
MB: I don’t know. I’ll look into it. Now, here’s the next joke. (Southern accent) And I’m repeating and I’m saying here’s the next joke. (Natural voice) And it’s sent in by Mrs. P. Falger of Cincinnati, Ohio, who will get a case of that delicious Quaker Puffed Rice, and a crisp five dollar bill. A bandit help up a bank, and when the policeman came over, he said to a colored boy standing outside the bank, he said, “Did you hear the shot?” What did the little colored boy say?
JCF: Stop.
MB: Okay, Flip. What is it?
JCF: Bandit help up a bank and the policeman came over and said to the little colored boy, “Did you hear the shot?”
MB: Yes.
JCF: And the colored boy says, “Yessir, I heard it twice.” And the policeman said, “Twice?” He said, “Yessir. Once when it passed me and once when I passed it!”
MB: Okey-doke, that’s the joke! Very, very good, Flippy. Flippin’ that certifin’. Bandit in the bank. I don’t have to worry about money. I’ve got three dollar spread around at different banks. Now here’s the next joke…
JCF: You’re right enough, and you don’t have to worry.
MB: You’re darn right I don’t have to worry.
JCF: I know it for sure.
MB:You do?
JCF: I heard a terrific compliment paid you last night.
MB: A compliment about me?
JCF: Uh-huh.
MB: Well, tell me.
JCF: Two women were talking
MB: Yes.
JCF: And one woman says, “Milton Berle is the funniest comedian on the radio.”
MB: Thank you. Who were the two women?
JCF: I don’t know the name of the woman your mother was talking to.
MB: Why don’t you stop telling those fifty-year-old jokes?
JCF: You keep all the forty-year-old ones for yourself.
MB: Oh yeah?
JCF: Yeah.
MB: Yeah?
JCF: Yeah.
SF: Fellow citizens, now is the time…
MB: Wait a minute, Senator…
SF: …for all good men…
MB: Senator! Senator!
SF: …to come to the aid of the party…
MB: Senator! Please! No political speeches on the program. No political speeches.
SF: Well, you know, Milton, every time I see a microphone I want to make a radiator chat.
MB: A radiator chat?
SF: Yeah. That’s for republicans who have no firesides.
MB: Okey-doke. Very good. Very good. You’re in fine form, Senator. Now, here’s the next joke, sent in by…
JCF: (Laughs)
MB: What are you laughing at, Flip? The fireside?
JCF: Yeah, that’s a hot one.
MB: You leave me cold, though. But we must go on, nevertheless, to the next jokearoo, from Mrs. H. Rose, of Brookline, Massachusetts. Stop me if you’ve heard this one. Two fellows were talking about baseball teams, and one of them said, “Why can’t the New York Giants play pinochle?” What did the other fellow say? (Pause) Awfully quiet around these parts. Come on, Mr. Hershfield. Do you know it? Let’s have the answer.
HH: Giants, pinochle.
MB: Pinochle, that’s right.
HH: Because the Yanks reached the pinochle last year?
MB: No, no. If that’s all you can meld, that’s not enough. How about you, Senator Ford, do you know it?
SF: Play pinochle? I didn’t know the Giants could even play baseball!
MB: We got a few people that like the Giants here. That may be funny but that’s not the joke. You do like them. Now, you’re only kidding. Flippen, do you know it?
JCF: Uh…
MB: Why can’t the Giants play pinochle?
JCF: Because they are not allowed to hold Queens while in training?
MB: No no no no. See Flippen, you gave me another wrong number.
JCF: Sorry, I’ll return your nickel.
MB: Are you silly, Flippen?
JCF: I’ve been asked not to give out that information.
MB: Alright, quiet, quiet. Your three minutes are up.
SF: I wish the half hour was up.
MB: I better give the answer to the joke before we’re all disconnected. Here’s the whole joke. I’ll tell it myself. Two fellows met on the street, and one fellow said, “Why can’t the New York Giants play pinochle?” And the other fellow said, “Because the Cards are in St. Louis.” Okay-doke, that’s the joke. So, Mrs. H. Rose of Brookline Massachusetts will receive five dollars for sending in that joke, plus a five dollar bonus because the Gagbusters didn’t know the answer, plus a case of Quaker Puffed Rice, and a swell portable Majestic radio. And our next joke is from Miss Jeanette Amy of Astoria, Long Island. And I think it’s very clever Stop me if you heard this one. A wife was talking to her husband, and she said, “Darling, tomorrow is our tenth anniversary. Shall I kill the turkey?” What did the husband say?
SF and JCF: Stop!
MB: Alright, Senator Ford, tell it please. You know it?
(JCF and SF speak over each other)
JCF: I hollered the loudest.
MB: Now, wait. I know you did, Mr Flippen, but let this… How long you been on this program, Flippen?
JCF: Ten weeks.
MB: Ten weeks. You want to stay on it?
JCF: Sure.
MB: Senator, tell the joke. Tell it please.
SF: A wife said to her husband, “Darling, tomorrow will be our tenth wedding anniversary. Shall we kill a turkey?” And the husband said, “Why kill a turkey for what happened ten years ago?”
MB: Okey-doke, that’s the joke. Very good. Very good, senator. See, Flippen? You see how well he told it?
JCF: I could have told it just as well but you wouldn’t let me tell it.
MB: (Imitates JCF inarticulately) Look at him pouting there. Stop pouting.
JCF: I know the joke. I told it better than him.
MB: Don’t pout.
JCF: I can have more fun staying at home and reading a Sears Roebuck catalogue.
MB: Oh, yeah?
SF: I could have more fun staying home reading the Congressional Record.
HH: I can have more fun juts staying home.
MB: I could have more fun staying home reading my fan mail.
JCF: What, that thing?
MB: Flippen, you’re worth your weight in aspirins. Now, here’s the next joke, ladies and gentlemen…
DS: Oh, now, Milton, Milton…
MB: Oh, now what’s it? Pardon me, Gagbusters, it’s our lovable announcer, Dan Seymour. Dan, what’s your pleasure?
DS: Eating Puffed Rice, of course, but that’s beside the point. Now, here are the results so far. The Quaker Oats Company pays out thirty dollars for six joke used. The Gagbusters got five jokes right and missed on one, so we pay a bonus of five dollars. A total so far of thirty-five dollars.
(Music)
DS: Oh, Milton?
MB: Yes, Dan, yes?
DS: I see that Gone with the Wind is finally ready for the screen.
MB: Yes, Dan. I read the ads, and the picture is going to take about four hours. Can you imagine sitting four hours for a picture? Gee. The audience would become Dead End Kids.
DS: Well, Milton, I heard that Gone with the Wind is so long, they’re going to have an intermission in the middle of the picture.
MB: They are?
DS: Well, that’s what I’ve heard.
MB: Well, you know why that is, Dan? That’s so that Clark Gable can go out for a smoke. It’s in his contract. And another thing: the movie houses where Gone with the Wind will play won’t have any ushers anymore. As you go into the theatre, a clerk says, “Sign the register, here’s a seat on the aisle, and will you stay for breakfast?” Dan, tell me -- won’t that be unique?
DS: You bet it will, Milton. But every really great thing is unique in its own way. Now, take breakfast cereals for example. Many of them are almost alike, but Quaker Puffed Wheat and Puffed Rice are so delicious they are truly unique. They stand alone. They are utterly and entirely different. They’re shot from guns to give you trigger-fast food energy -- needed nourishment of the world’s most popular cereal grains with a totally different and completely appetizing flavor. What a grand flavor these amazing cereals do have, and what a tender crispness, what a light, fresh wholesome goodness. So delicately delicious and so completely satisfying that they have become known the world over as the banquet breakfast. Yes, that’s the reason for the three packages in one. First, a waxed glassine bag. Second, a sturdy, sealed cardboard carton, another wax jacket on the outside. The sturdiest of wrappings for so valuable a flavor. So let your family enjoy them regularly. Tonight, call at your nearest grocery, and order Quaker Puffed Wheat or Puffed Rice, the world-famous banquet breakfast. Remember to look for the big red and blue box.
(Music)
MB: And now, while our Gagbusters are thinking up ribs for his nibs, Vincent Travers and his orchestra play “In the Mood.” And I’m going to get a glass of water from the pitcher of the same name.
(Music)
MB: Swell. Swell, Vincent, swell. And now, ladies and gentlemen, once again we’re ready for the battle of wits. Your jokes are in one corner and the Gagbusters are in the other. So, Gagbusters, come out swinging with your left jibes and your right crossfires, and let’s see who’ll beat who to what punchline. Here’s the first joke, sent in by Mr. Karl Staff of Newark, New Jersey, who gets a case of Quaker Puffed Rice and a very attractive five dollar bill for sending in this joke. Stop me if you’ve heard this one.A panhandler walked up to a man in the street, and he said, “Buddy, can you spare a dollar ninety-five for a cup of coffee?” And the man said…
HH:Stop!
MB: I don’t think it’s the one you know.
HH: I know the one this is.
MB: You bet?
HH: Yup.
MB: I bet you the dollar ninety five it’s not the panhandler joke that you know.
HH: Brother you got it.
MB: (Imitates him inarticulately) Tell the whole joke. Come on.
HH: Panhandler stopped a fellow on the street. Says, “Mister, can you give me a dollar ninety-five for a cup of coffee?” And the fellow says, “Coffee only costs a nickel.” And this fellow says, “I know, but I want to buy a percolator.”
MB: Okey-joke, that’s the joke! Alright. I’ll give you the dollar ninety-five. I’m sorry. I owe it to you. I’ll make out a check.
HH: (Groans)
MB: You’ll get it twice. You’ll get it twice.
MB and HH: Once from me and once from the bank.
HH: Yes.
MB: We told that gag a few weeks ago. Well, here’s the next joke, and it’s sent in from Washington, DC, and it was sent in by Joan Carroll, eleven years old. Two old maids were in an insane asylum and one said to the other, “I was just thinking. I want a man to love me, to hug me, and to squeeze me.” What did the other old maid say?
HH: Stop.
MB: Shoot the gag to me, Harry boy.
HH: The other old maid says, “Now you’re talking sense. You’ll be out of here in no time!”
MB: Okey-doke, that’s the joke! Very good. Very good. I’m surprised at you, Senator. That old maid joke was very old. Didn’t you know it?
SF: No, but then I’m of a younger generation. And that gag was probably told first in the Garden of Eden.
JCF: Say, they got some pretty good Gagbusters there. Adam, Eve, and the snake.
MB: Yeah, now what have we got? The senator, Hershfield, and a worm. I’m only kidding, Flippen, I’m only kidding. If I’ve said anything to insult you, I thank you.
JCF: You’re welcome.
MB: Thank you. I appreciate that.
JCF: You’re welcome.
MB: Thank you very much.
JCF: You know, Milton?
MB: What?
JCF: You’ve got a wonderful sense of humor.
MB: I appreciate that too.
JCF: When are you going to bring it with you?
MB: Thank you.
JCF: You’re welcome.
MB: Thank you.
JCF: You’re welcome.
MB: Thank you.
JCF: You’re welcome.
SF: Change records please.
MB: I’ll change the records. Don’t give me the needles. Now here we go with the next gag, and it comes from Clara Lemanski of Kewanee, Illinois, way out in the middle west. Stop me if you heard this one. Oh, and this is another old maid joke. Two women met on the street, and one said, “What would be the best type of a house for an old maid?” And what did the other woman say? (Pause) Do you know, Mr. Hershfield?
HH: Let’s see. If she wants a house, and she’s an old maid, she’s stucco.
MB: No, no. No, no, Mr. Hershfield. Flippen, do you know?
JCF: No, but if Harry keeps giving those kind of answers, he’ll be out of here in no time.
MB: No. How about you, Senator?
SF: Well, I know an answer, but if I tell it, we’ll all be out of here in no time.
MB: Well, you force me to tell the joke myself, so here it is. Two women met on the street, and one said, “What would be the best type of a house for an old maid?” And the other woman said, “The best type of a house for an old maid would be one with seven Gables.” Okey-doke, that’s the joke. So Miss Lemanski will get an extra five dollar bonus and a Majestic portable radio and five dollars because the Gagbusters knew her joke and a case of Quaker Puffed Rice . Now here’s the next joke. It was sent in from Miss E. Lynn of Milton, Massachusetts. Lynn and Milton and Mass… that’s cute. Stop me if you heard this one. A fellow went into a restaurant and he ordered a steak and it was very, very small. And he called over the waiter, and he said, “Waiter, I was in here yesterday and I ordered a steak and I paid the same price for it, and it was much bigger than this one.” What did the waiter say?
SF: Stop!
MB: Okay, Senator. What’s the joke, please?
SF: The waiter said, “Well, last week, when we gave you the big steak, you were sitting near a window.”
MB: Okey-doke, that’s the joke! Well, that isn’t exactly… “You had a seat near the window” -- that’s the way Miss Lynn sent the joke in, but I’ll take that as the answer. That’s the joke. I went to a restaurant myself the other day. Had a marvellous seven-course dinner. Six baked beans and a finger bowl. And now…
JCF: Were you the fellow that drank out of the finger bowl?
MB: Drank out of the finger bowl? Listen, king of hecklers, you’re going to fall down one night and break one of your crowns, you know that?
JCF: If I do I’ll send the dentist bill to you.
MB: You said a mouthful. Now, here’s the next joke.
SF: True or false…
JCF: We did that.
MB: We did that gag. True or false. We did that.
SF: Well, wait a minute. How would I know? I never listen to this clam bake.
MB: A what? Wait a minute. What did you call this? A clam bake?
SF: Alright, a strawberry festival.
JCF: Get that senator!
MB: Get him! Get him off the program! Get him. Now here we go on. Let’s go on with the program.
JCF: Never listens to the program!
MB: That’s because he hasn’t got a radio. Now let’s go on with the program.
SF: What program?
JCF: Program, program! Can’t tell the players without a scorecard! Program!
MB: Now here we go with the next joke. It’s from way down Mexico way and it’s (sings) Oh, south of the border, el rancho… It’s from señor José Nova of Monterrey, Mexico. (Speaks fake Spanish) Stop me if you heard this one. A passenger on a train awoke in the morning and he called over the porter, and he said, “Porter, what’s the idea in bringing me one black shoe and one brown shoe?” What did the porter say?
HH: Stop!
MB: Harry, do you know it?
HH: The passenger says, “Porter, what’s the idea bringing me one black shoe and one brown shoe?” And the porter says, “That’s funny. That’s the second time that happened this morning.”
MB: Okay-doke, that’s the joke! Very good. Señor Nova of way down south in Monterrey, Mexico will get a five dollar bill and a case of Quaker Puffed Rice. Now here we go with the next joke and it was sent in by Mrs. C. Bell of Mystic, Connecticut. Mystic, Connecticut -- that’s where they make watches and clocks. As a matter of fact, Flippen had a job there making faces. Now here’s the joke, and it’s sent in…
JCF: Oh, get him! Get him, giving me the works!
MB: You see, he can’t take it. You see, he can’t take it. Don’t be a wet blanket.
JCF: I am not a wet blanket.
MB: You’re not?
JCF: No.
MB: You’re not a guest towel. Now…
SF: Well, that washes that up, I guess.
MB: Right, senator, that there…
SF: Well, I had to get in there with something…
MB: Well, you got it in. You got the joke in. That’s alright. Here’s the joke, sent in by Mrs. Bell of Mystic, Connecticut. A dinner guest was telling the cook how to cook a ham, and he said, “You put the ham in the pan, and the first day you soak it in rye whiskey, second day you add a bottle of rum, and the third day you add a bottle of scotch, and you let it cook. How does that sound to you?” And what did the cook say?
JCF: Stop!
MB: Okay, Flip. Let’s have the answer.
JCF: A dinner guest was telling the host how to cook a ham. He says, “You put the ham in a pan and soak it with a bottle of rum. And the next day you pour in a quart of rye, and the next day a quart of scotch. How does that strike you?” Fellow says, “I don’t know about the ham, but that gravy sounds powerful good!”
MB: Okey-doke, that’s the joke! Very, very good. Here’s the next joke, sent…
DS: Oh, Milton, Milton, I just want to say that it’s time we started to figure out the total prizes for the night.
MB: Oh, yes, Dan, you will tell the people the results in a few minutes, and about next week’s special Gagbuster too. There are still a few jokes left over, which I didn’t have time to do with the Gagbusters, so I’ll read them off at the end of the program and the senders will receive five dollars and a case of Quaker Puffed Rice.
(Music)
DS: Oh, Milton.
MB: Yes, Dan, yes.
DS: Looking at your suit reminds me to tell everybody to post their Christmas packages early.
MB: My suit reminds you of that?
DS: Yes, Milton. It looks like a mail sack with an English droop.
MB: Yeah? Well, this suit is a herringbone. Of course, the herring was a little round-shouldered. But, Dan, you juts keep talking about my clothes and you’ll look like an announcer with a belt in the back. This happens to be very, very good suit. I just wore it in the rain without protection, that’s all.
DS: Well, it’s really a great pity, Milton, because you haven’t that knack of triple-protecting your suit the way Quaker triple-protects the delicious flavor of those world-famous cereals Quaker Puffed Wheat and Puffed Rice, Yessir, they’re triple protected, and such protection is necessary for a flavor so delicate, so delightfully crisp and tender, so unique and satisfying as the flavor of these great cereals, which have been named the banquet breakfast. Try either or both of these cereals right away, friends, and you will agree with the millions of enthusiasts the world over who say the flavor can’t be equaled anywhere. Actually, it has a delightful crispness that’s unlike any other food you have ever tasted -- light, tender, oven-fresh and appetizing, with a mouth-watering goodness. No wonder it’s known as the banquet breakfast. And no wonder Quaker has gone to such unusual lengths to protect every morsel of flavor. That’s the reason for the big red and blue triple package, a waxed glassine bag inside of a sturdy sealed cardboard carton, and then another outer wax jacket. All the flavor, all the original goodness is brought fresh to your breakfast table. So give you family the banquet breakfast that gives you trigger-fast food energy you need. Remember to look for the big red and blue package of Quaker Puffed Wheat and Puffed Rice. Order a package of each from your grocer tonight.
(Music)
MB: Before our final batch of jokes, ladies and gentlemen, here are the results so far. On our joke jamboree, we have used twelve jokes, the Gagbusters were right on ten, and they missed two. So the Quaker Oats Company is very happy to pay out sixty dollars for jokes used, and ten dollars in bonuses -- a grand total of seventy dollars. And not only that, but we gave out two Majestic portable radios, too, and of course, twelve cases of Quaker Puffed Rice.
DS: Now, ladies and gentlemen, if you have any joke up your sleeve, send them to Milton Berle, Chrysler Building, New York City. You got that? It’s Milton Berle, B E R L E, Chrysler Building, New York City. If your joke is used on this program, you’ll receive five dollars and a case of Quaker Puffed Rice, and you may win a bonus of five dollars and a majestic portable radio. All jokes become the property of “Stop Me if You’ve Heard This One.” If there is a duplication of jokes, the one received first will have the preference. Next week our guest Gagbuster will be the famous screen and radio star Tony Martin.
MB: Don’t forget Jay C. Flippen and Harry Hershfield, Dan.
DS: Yes, they’ll be here too, Milton. And, friends, be sure to tune in Tommy Riggs and Betty Lou’s Quaker Party each Monday night over most of these stations.
MB: Right you are Dan, right you are. Now, ladies and gentlemen, here are those extra jokes that I didn’t have time to do with the Gagbusters. Here’s a joke sent in by Richard Charles Metcalf of Medora, Illinois. A lady said to the butcher, she said, “Give me twenty-five pounds of beef and put it on the scale. And the butcher said, “Will you take it with you or shall I send it?” And the lady said, “I don’t want to buy it. I’m on a diet and I want to see what twenty-five pounds looks like in a lump.” Okay-doke, that’s the joke. And here’s one more sent in by Mr. Herb Craten of Davenport, Iowa. A man walked, he walked up to a bar and he said to the bartender, “Give me a drink before the fight starts.” And the bartender said, “What fight?” And the man said, “The fight that I’m going to have when you find out that I can’t pay for it.” Okey-doke. Well, ladies and gentlemen, that’s all. You’ve been a very swell audience. See you next week at the same time. Until then this is your Berle friend Milton saying goodnight.
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MB: “Stop Me if You’ve Heard This One…”
DS: Stop! This is the National Broadcasting Company!