CAN YOU TOP THIS?

21 APRIL 1942

WOR NEW YORK

Emcee: Roger Bower

Joke teller: Peter Donald

Panel: Senator Ford, Harry Hershfield, Joe Laurie Jr.

(restaurant, wives, wages, the theater)

ALAN KEMP: “Can You Top This?” Why did the chicken cross the road? That was no chicken, that was my wife!

ROGER BOWER: Can you top that, Harry Hershfield?

HARRY HERSHFIELD: Aye.

RB: And you. Senator Ford?

SENATOR FORD: I might.

RB: And you, Joe Laurie Jr?

JOE LAURIE JR: Maybe.

AK: Those expedient exclamations introduce the pint-sized author-comedian Joe Laurie Jr, the popular after-dinner speaker and current topic humorist Senator Ford, and the well-known columnist, cartoonist, and after-dinner speaker Harry Hershfield. These effervescent emirs of entertainment bring you another session of “Can You Top This?” with the bets wishes of Kirkman Soap Flakes. And here’s that enchanting exponent of elegant English, Roger Bower.

RB: Good evening. By this time I’m sure you all know that the top rule of “Can You Top This?” is “keep them laughing.” I’ll explain the other rules before the Kirkman laugh meter goes into action, but first, Alan Kemp wants to tell you about the way Kirkman Soap Flakes go into action on your finest washables.

AK: Ladies, Kirkman Soap Flakes are the kind you can trust for those things you prize so highly, for dainty washable silks, woolens, rayons, and nylons. You see, pure white Kirkman Soap Flakes are made of the same mild, gentle ingredients as most complexion soap. When you use Kirkman Soap Flakes, your clothes last much longeer than if you use flakes or soap which depend on harsh chemicals to do the cleaning job. And Kirkman Soap Flakes are especially nice for washing soft, dainty baby clothes. They’re nice for baby hands, too. And of course, I know that in these times you are trying to economize -- trying to use luxury products as sparingly as possible. But it’s really economical to use luxury-type Kirkman Soap Flakes. Yes, it’s thrifty to use Kirkman’s not only for your finest things, but for dishes and regular laundry too, for Kirkman gives you 40% more flakes than most other high quality brands at no extra cost. I’ll explain this later. But now Roger’s ready with the other rules of “Can You Top This?”

RB: “Can You Top This?” is unrehearsed and spontaneous. Anybody can send in a joke. If your joke is read on this program by the well-known actor and storyteller Peter Donald, you are credited with eleven dollars. Then each of our three gag specialists, Harry Hershfield, Joe Laurie Jr, and Senator Ford, who have not heard your joke until Peter Donald tells it, gets a chance to top it with another joke on the same subject. Every time your joke is topped, your credit is chopped by two dollars. If all three jokesters top you, Kirkman sends you five dollars and a joke book. And everyone whose joke is told by Peter Donald gets a big gift package of six Kirkman soap products. Laughs are registered on the Kirkman laugh meter in full view of the studio audience, and in all cases the decision of our judges is final. Alright, gentlemen, are you ready?

HH, JL, and SF: Ready.

RB: That’s fine. The first subject comes from John Ratcliffe of Fall River, Massachusetts. And the subject is “restaurants” or “restaurant.” Eating places, Joe, you know.

JL: Yes.

RB: Beaneries.

JL: Now I know.

RB: Peter Donald, would you read Mr. Ratcliffe’s story, please?

PETER DONALD: Well, Pat and Mike, who had just come to this country, went into a restaurant one day, and on the table was a big jar of horseradish. So Mike said, he said, “I wonder what in the world the white stuff is there, in the little pot.” So he said, “Well,” he said, “Why don’t you taste it and see?” So Mike took a big spoonful of the horseradish and he put it in his mouth and, of course, the tears came streaming out of his eyes. (Imitates crying) Like this. Pat says, he says, “What are you crying about, Mike?” He says, “Oh, I was just thinking about me poor old grandfather who was hanged in Ireland.” He said, “Here. You taste the stuff.” So Pat put the spoon in. He got a big mouthful of the stuff. And of course he started coughing and choking and the tears coming down his face. So Mike said, “What are you crying about now, Pat?” He said, “I was thinking it’s just too bad you wasn’t hanged with your grandfather!”

RB: That joke got one hundred on the Kirkman laugh meter. One hundred is the amount. The subject is “restaurant” or “restaurants” and I see that Harry Hershfield had his hand up first.

HH: Well, this is a gag in two parts. I can use it in two parts. Two Scotsmen went into a restaurant. Before they went in, they agreed not to tip, not to tip the hatcheck girl, get the cheapest meal. And when they say down, they noticed that Sandy was buttering the bread on both sides. And the waiters were looking at it, and the boss was looking. It was getting embarrassing. And finally the other Scotsman says, “Sandy, I never saw that before. What’s the idea of buttering the bread on both sides?” And he says, “Don’t you think my lower lip likes butter too?” Well, there’s another part. There’s another part. So going out to the hatcheck girl they got the stuff, and as they started out, he says, “Sandy, you said you wouldn’t give any tips.” He says, “You gave her ten cents. I saw you give it. Get it back.” He says, “Shh! Look at the coat she gave me!”

RB: That was… You tied Mr. Ratcliffe’s 100 but you did not top it, Harry.

HH: On both of them?

RB: No, the first one. Oh, you listened to the first half? That was seventy-four and three quarters on the first half. But the second half got 100. It tied Mr. Ratcliffe but it didn’t top. He still held his own. Still has eleven dollars.And Joe Laurie has his hand up second.

JL: Well, this one is just making the rounds lately. It’s about the refugee that came to this country. Didn’t have any friends. Didn’t know the language. When he got hungry, he went into a restaurant. He waited around. He didn’t know what to ask for, didn’t know anything about English. So he looked at a man, and the man next to him said, “Bean soup” and he got bean soup. So he says, “Bean soup.” Fellow brought him bean soup. He says, “I got to remember that. Bean soup.” So that night he went in for his supper. He says, “Bean soup.” So they gave him bean soup. This kept on for three weeks. That’s he knew. “Bean soup.” And he got a little tired of bean soup. So he says, “Well, I’ll wait for another fellow to order something.” So a fellow next to him ordered a ham sandwich. Well, he says, “A ham sandwich.” So the fellow says, “How will you have it, buddy? White or rye?” So he looks up and says, “Bean soup.”

RB: That was very good, Joe. You got eighty on the Kirkman laugh meter, although that didn’t top Mr. Ratcliffe’s one hundred and so he still holds his own. He still has eleven dollars. Senator Ford, are you in this round?

SF: Yup.

HH: You know we’re doing this without a beard? You know that right?

SF: Well, with or without a beard, I’m going to tell this one. Two newspaper reporters met. One was a bright, alert sort of a fellow and quite a kidder. And the other fellow was -- he was what is known as a news moocher. He’s very lazy and he used to go around and get news the easiest way. So he said to the brighter fellow, he said, “Anything doing around the neighborhood?” And the bright fellow said, “Yeah, I just got a report that a fellow choked down in a restaurant down the street here.” And the other fellow says, “Yeah?” He says, “Give me the lowdown. How did he choke?”So the first fellow said, “Well, he was eating some horse meat and somebody hollered, ‘Whoa!’”

RB: Senator, that was 100 on the Kirkman laugh meter. That also tied Mr. Ratcliffe’s 100.

HH: That one wore a beard, didn’t it?

RB: However, since none of you has…

(Audience laughs)

RB: Now that extra laugh, ladies and gentlemen…

HH:…plan to see what the jokes are…

RB: Peter Donald is sporting a beard tonight. Not at all unbecoming either.

JL: And a sporty beard!

RB: Sporty beard, yes. That also account’s for Mr. Hershfield’s remark about beards. Or as Joe says, beavers. Well, since none of you wits has topped Mr. Ratcliffe’s 100, we send Mr. Ratcliffe eleven dollars and a big Kirkman gift package. This next subject should be dear to you gentlemen’s hearts. It’s wives. Wives. You needn’t look pained, Senator! I know you have a lovely and charming wife, and, as I have said before, she’s a good cook. And it comes from Roy Gough of Burlington, New Jersey. Will you read Mr. Gough’s story, please, Peter?

PD: Well, a husband called the Bureau of Missing Persons and he told them that his wife was missing, asked them to please look for her. And a few days later the Bureau phoned the husband that they had found a woman who answered the description of his wife. So the guy was very relived. He said, “Oh, I’m so glad to hear that you found her.” He said, “What did she have to say?” And they said, “Oh, she hasn’t said a word.” He says, “Brother, that’s not my wife!”

RB: That was a thirty-two on the Kirkman laugh meter. And I might that for once the mug didn’t get any more than thirty two!

JL: He shaves in the morning.

RB: Yes, I see. Well, the Kirkman laugh meter gave that story 32. The subject is wives, gentlemen. Well, Senator Ford had his hand right up.

SF: Yeah, I know all about wives. Well, anyway…

HH: No you don’t.

SF: Ditsy Baumwartle, when his first wife departed this mundane sphere for happier climes, Ditsy shook his head very sadly and said, “You know, Ella was a fine wife. She was always so thoughtful. Whenever we got into a fight she always hit me on the head with the soft end of the broom.”

RB: Well, Senator, that might just… This might just… This might surprise you, Senator, but you topped Mr. Gough. You got thirty-six Thirty-six! Thirty-six on the Kirkman laugh meter. You topped him by four and so we chop away two dollars, giving him now nine dollars. And Joe Laurie had his hand up second, Harry.

JL: Well, a fellow’s wife didn’t feel very well, so he called the doctor. The doctor went into the exam room. When he come out, he says, “What is it, doctor? What would you advise me to do?” “Well,” he says, “I’d advise you to send her to a warmer climate.” He says, “Oh, I haven’t got the heard to do it, doctor, but if you’ll do the job there’s an axe behind the door.

RB: Sixty-one on the Kirkman laugh meter, Joe. Sixty-one deftly topped Mr. Gough’s thirty-two, and so we chop away two more dollars, giving him now seven dollars, and giving is now Harry Hershfield.

HH: I got an ipsy-pipsy. A woman went out. She was one of these fat mamas, and she went on a diet. She became one of those martyrs. You know, everybody had to suffer along with her. She told everybody she was dieting and dieting. One day they caught her in a restaurant and she had double orders of everything. Double herring and double this and double that. Everything doubled. A tremendous meal. Somebody said, “I thought you were on a diet.” Says, “No wife should diet. I looked up the statistics.And you know what the statistics show? That nearly every woman who dieted to please her husband found out that he ran away with a fat woman anyhow!”

RB: One hundred and ten on the Kirkman laugh meter, Harry! One hundred and ten. Well, since all of you wits have topped Mr. Gough’s thirty-two, we send Mr. Gough a joke book. But five dollars for sending in the story and the big Kirkman gift package.

JL: And half of Peter’s beard.

RB: Half of Peter’s beard, yes. Well, we’re nip and tuck tonight. One for the customers and one for you boys. Let’s see how we go from here on in. This next subject comes from Mrs. Annie E. Smith of Bremo Bluff, Virginia. And the subject is also dear to your hearts. Wages, gentlemen. Wages.

SF: Woo hoo!

RB: Wages.

SF: Oh, I thought you said, “Waitress.”

JL: Remuneration, Senator.

RB: Peter Donald, will you read Mrs. Smith’s story, please?

PD: Well, there was a very, very timid little guy named Brown, and fir a long time he wanted to ask his boss for a raise. And every morning he’d say, “Well, I’m going to ask him today. Now, no fooling. I’m going to go up to him and I’ll tell him something. I’m going to…” Just then the boss would come along and the guy would get all quiet and he would sit down and wouldn’t say a word. So one morning, just as the boss came along, the fellow sitting next to Brown said, “Hey Brown. Why don’t you ask the boss what you said you were going to ask him? Go ahead.” So the boss came over. He said, “Yes, Brown. Ask me what?” He said, “Oh, well, Boss, er, er,” he says, “Look here. I want more money, or else.” The boss said, “Or else what?” He said, “Or else I’ll work for what I’m getting now.”

RB: That story got seventy-one on the Kirkman laugh meter. Seventy-one is the amount. The subject is wages, and Joe Laurie Jr had his hand up first.

JL: Mamie and Aggie met. And Aggie says, “Hello, Mame.” Says, “Are you still working down the beauty parlor?” She says, “No I am not.” “Gee, you made some well wages there too, didn’t you?” She says, “Yes, and tips.” She says, “Why’d you leave?” She said, “I didn’t leave. They fired me.” Said, “What did they fire you for, Mamie?” She says, “Well, I’ll tell you. Some dame came in one day and she wanted an egg shampoo. So I gave her the egg shampoo. And I guess I didn’t rinse her hair very well, because when she walked home in the sun, am omelette broke out on her head!”

RB: Eighty-one, Joe, on the Kirkman laugh meter. Eighty-one tops Mrs. Smith’s seventy-one, so we chop away two dollars. She now has nine dollars. And Harry Hershfield had his hand up second.

HH: Pinkus met a lawyer for the first time -- socially. So socially he said to him at the club, he says, “How does the international situation look?” The lawyer says, “Very serious.” And he sent him a bill for his fee, which was his wages, for twenty-five bucks for advice. He was awful sore about it. Next day, he meets him again and he says, “Is Buffalo near Canada?” Fellow says, “It is.” So he sent him again a bill for twenty-five dollars. The next day he met him and he said, “Listen.” He said, “It looks like rain. But remember, I’m telling you, not asking you!”

RB: 114 on the Kirkman laugh meter.

HH: Fourteen?

RB: 114, yes. You’ve topped Mrs. Smith’s 71, so we chop away two dollars more, giving her now seven dollars.

SF: There are all kinds of, you know, incomes. For example, there’s wages, fees, and honorariums. An honorarium is the same as wages, only moreso. Well, anyway, there was a fellow by the name of Arthie Tupergills who was stuck on Screwball Jakes’s daughter Elviry. So he went around to Jake’s home one night to talk over the possibilities of taking a trip o’er the seas of matrimony. So Jake said, “What is the money situation with you come Saturday payday? Or, in other words, what is your weekly stipend?” So Arthie said, “I don’t know what you’re talking about, but I got a great future.” He said, “I’m learning to be an electrician for an entomologist.” So Jake said, “If I remember right, an entomologist is a guy who collects bugs.” So Arthie said, “That’s right.” So Jake said, “Well, what does an electrician for an entomologist do?” So Arthie said, “I’m learning to put the electric light bulbs in lightning bugs.”

RB: 90 on the Kirkman laugh meter, Senator. Without the aid of the flower it was 90, too. That’s topped Mrs. Smith’s 71, so we chop away another two dollars. And since all of you wits have topped Mrs. Smith, we send Mrs. Smith a joke book, plus five dollars for sending in the story and that big Kirkman gift package. Well, you’re doing very well tonight, gentlemen. Exceptionally well. There’s another subject I know you know something about too: the theater.

JL: What’s happened to it?

RB: Joe, don’t you often wonder about your part in it?

JL: That too.

RB: Well, this goes to…

JL: I dream about it.

RB: You dream about it, eh? This comes from Mrs. Irene Dobray of Newark, New Jersey. And, as I said, the subject is the theater. Peter Donald, will you read Mrs. Dobray’s story, please?

PD: Well, it seems that Jake Ginsberg had never been to the theater in all his life. He’s just an easygoing guy. Didn’t like to go out much. So one night, sitting around the house and his wife was looking at him, and finally she says, “Oi, Jake.” She says, “Oi.” Says, “You know, I’m ashamed of you.” She says, “Honest to goodness.” She says, “You sit around here every night like a big meatball.” She says, “I’m tired of looking at you.” She says, “For goodness sakes, don’t be a no-good all your life. Why don’t you go out to the theater at night and get a little culture, see the acting and everything.” He says, “Alright. Don’t holler. So I’ll go to the theater.” So he goes down to a theater to see a musical comedy. And of course he gets into it, and he thought it was wonderful. Oh, he walked around the lobby and he looked at all the chandeliers and the beautiful plush seats and all those fancy ushers. You know, “Step across the mezzanine [imitates an usher inarticulately].” He says, “Thank you, admiral. I’ll sit down right here. So he sits down and in a couple of minutes the orchestra comes out and they play the overture to the show. And he applauds at the end of the overture. And as soon as they finish playing the overture and the play starts, he gets up and he goes home. So he gets home and his wife says, “Oi!” She says, “What’s the matter, poppy? You’re home so early. What’s the matter? You didn’t like the performance in the show? You didn’t have a good time?” He says, “Oh, I had a wonderful time. Oi, oi, oi. Oh,” he says, “did I enjoy? Everything was wonderful. Everything was A-number-one ipsy-pipsy. It was wonderful.” He says, “Listen.” He says, “The theater was beautiful and the lights were wonderful and the music was gorgeous. And,“ he says, “then all of a sudden the curtain went up and people came out and they started talking and it was none of my business so I got up and went home.”

RB: Well, that went to the top of the Kirkman laugh meter. The top is 130, gentlemen.

HH: These are for the ride?

RB: 130. Not necessarily for the ride. All of you, all three of you gentlemen can get 130, you know. Kirkman will be glad to send you some products. Delighted.

HH: That’s worthwhile.

RB: Yeah. See? Really try out. Harry Hershfield put his hand up first.

HH: I like this dialogue. Two women are talking and one says, “My son is the biggest scenario writer in Hollywood. Such a scenario wri… He’s the biggest!” And she says, “And your son?” Says, “My son is a commentator in front of the burlesque theaters.” That’s the ride.

JL: No soap!

HH: Another gag. I got another one.

RB: That was 30. If you want to…?

HH: No, let’s pass it on.

RB: You can tell another one if you wish, Harry.

HH: No!

RB: I have a minute, here. Well, that was thirty. It didn’t top…

HH: I should sell myself at these prices.

RB: It didn’t top Mrs. Dobray’s 130, so she still holds her own, naturally. Eleven dollars. Joe Laurie had his hand up second.

JL: I always liked the one about the old fellow in the moving picture house and he’s down front and he’s looking around. He’s making people get up and they’re looking around and he lights matches, and finally the usher comes down. He says, “What the idea? What’s the matter? What did you do? Lose something?” He says, “Yes, I lost a caramel.” He says, “Out of my mouth fell a caramel.” He says, “All this fuss for a caramel?” He says, “Yes, but my teeth were in it!”

RB: Joe, you also hit the top of the Kirkwood laugh meter. You tied Mrs. Dobray’s 130. She still holds her own, though, with eleven dollars. Senator Ford, you’re scratching your cranium there. Are you thinking up another 130 story for us?

SF: Well, no. I was at a theatrical party the other night and I told one that I think fits in here alright. You know the first show I ever saw was a railroad melodrama called “The Brakeman’s Daughter, or Fun in a Signal Tower.” Well, although I was a mere stripling at the time, I still retain all the scenes very vividly, especially the last act. That was a lulu. It was a dark night. There was a terrible storm. The lightning flashed. The thunder roared. And the Fast Express was approaching a railroad bridge when the darn broke. You have to say “darn.” You can’t say the other word on the radio, you see? Well, the darn broke. The water cascaded down in torrents and washed away the railroad bridge. There was the Fast Express approaching, roaring toward the railroad bridge. It was washed out, with it’s human cargo of ninety soles and as many heels. And there was the railroad bride washed away, the signal tower gone, no landings. In fact, nothing with which to signal the train, when out to the darkness dashed the brakeman’s daughter. She rushed down to the track and waved a clothespin. The train approached. The engineer saw the clothespin in the beam of his headlights and stopped the train. Thus the fast thinking of the brakeman’s daughter averted a catastrophe, for every engineer knows that a clothespin is a sign of washout on the line!

RB: Well, Senator, that…

SF:  I got mine. I just thought of it. Just thought of it.

RB: That, Senator, almost blew the top off the Kirkman laugh meter.

HH: Is it too late for mine?

RB: 130. If it isn’t too long, it it’s not too late. Go ahead.

HH: Well, this one.. This fellow…A son said to his father, he says, “I’m an actor, father.” So the father decided to… brought all his friends. They all bought tickets to see the show. When they came there, there was his son -- a super holding a gun. First act goes by. He doesn’t do a thing. Second act, he says, “Finally the second act, boys. He’s probably do something.” Second act he’s still a super holding the gun. Still he doesn’t. Says, “It must be the third act.” Third act, he’s still holding the gun. The curtain is just about getting down to fall. The father hollers out, “Sam, if they won’t let you do anything, at least shoot off the gun!”

RB: Very good, Harry. But the first one…

HH: Oh no no! The two of them gave you 130!

RB: Since none of you wits has topped Mrs. Dobray we send her eleven dollars and that big Kirkman gift package. Well, gentlemen, it’s time for the clown table discussion. And we’ll give you about sixty seconds to sharpen your wits while Alan Kemp finishes his story about Kirkman soap flakes.

AK: Ladies, Kirkman soap flakes are pure white, pebble thin, and as mild and gentle as most complexion soap. Now, I want to be fair and admit that there are other pure white fakes that match Kirkman’s in quality. But when it comes to economy, well, just listen. Most of the others come in small twelve-and-a-half ounce boxes. But the big Kirkman box holds eighteen ounces. You get 40% more fine flakes. Four extra cupfulls at no extra cost. This bargain is possible because the makers of Kirkman’s frankly follow a policy of taking less profit and giving you more for your money. Because Kirkman’s give you so much more, you can afford to do all your washing with these luxury-type flakes, not only for your finest things, but dishes and regular wash too. Why not resolve right now never to dip your hands in anything but complexion-soap-quality suds? Start using Kirkman double duty soap flakes tomorrow.

JL: Say, Alan, you out to sing your commercials, like so many other announcers.

HH: Yeah, yeah. You could sing [singing], “Kirkman soap flakes hit the spot. Eighteen ounces, so what?” Or you could sing like that fellow Gasta sings his. [singing] “I’m nuts about the good old ‘irkman ‘akies…”

JL: Yeah, or you…

PD: It aches, Harry, it aches.

JL: Or you…

PD: When you sing especially.

JL: Of course you might sing… [hums]

JL, SF and HH: [singing] Oh, I wish I had some Kirkman flakes, so white does know what it takes. Wash away, wash away, wash away, Kirkman flakes!

RB: Well, boys.

JL: Yeah.

HH: Yeah.

AK: I can honestly say I never heard singing like that before.

JL: Well, thanks, Al.

SF: Look, look, we know something about singing.

AK: Maybe it’ll be better music to our listeners ears if I mention the three valuable coupons in every box of Kirkman soap flakes. You can redeem them for a beautiful free gift. A big special this spring is a beautiful ice lip jug for only fifty coupons. Start saving tomorrow with Kirkman’s double duty soap flakes.

RB: Thank you, Alan. Well, gentlemen, how about that clown table discussion. Have you thought about it?

HH: Yeah. We’ve been speaking of humor and stuff like that, you know. You know, most humor is about women. Marriage, matrimonial stuff. That’s the biggest.

JL: Matrimony isn’t a joke, either. You know that.

HH: And, peculiarly, it isn’t professional humor, it isn’t professional humor that talks about marriage and the institution of marriage. It’s the people themselves that are married that kid this institution called marriage. An institution -- that’s what it is. But who wants to live in an institution all the time? You know, one of the gags on marriage that’s one of the famous ones is the girl saying to the fellow, “I wouldn’t marry you if you were the last man on earth!” He said, “Listen. If I was the last man on earth, you wouldn’t have to.”

JL: I like the one about the servant girl that applies for a job and she says she’s a good cook. And the woman says, “You know anything about stews?” She says, “I should! I married one!”

SF: Well, that stew thing kind of reminds me of one of the old babies has a beard longer than Peter’s here. It’s the one about the married man who used to get plastered so he’s see double and feel single.

HH: Not a bad idea at that. One of the famous married gags is the fellow said, “Was that Bill’s wife out with him last night?” He said, “No. He don’t go out with married women.”

JL: I love the one, the fellow says, “I wish they, the government starts an aluminum drive again, so I could turn in the pot I married.”

SF: Well, I suppose it’s time for me to love one too, you know. Everybody, “I love this one,” “I like that one.” One fellow said to another, “What would we be without women?” The other fellow said, “About five thousand dollars a year better off.”

HH: And remember the wife arguing with the husband? She says, “You don’t know what love is.” He says, “Yes I do. That’s something the minister chucked in with honor and obey!”

JL: I love the one about the fellow. The woman says, “How are you getting along with your husband?” She says, “Oh, I got him eating out of my hand.” She says, “Ain’t that great? It saves washing dishes, don’t it?”

RB: Well, gentlemen, I’m afraid that’s all we have time for tonight in the roundtable discussion, and thank you. And may I remind everyone listening in that you can match wits with our three joke specialists by sending in one or more jokes to “Can You Top This?” in care of WOR New York. You win a cash prize and a Kirkman gift package if your joke, as told by Peter Donald, tops our three gag authorities on the Kirkman laugh meter. All jokes become the property of “Can You Top This?” and if two or more persons send in the same joke, the first one received is the one used. And please don’t mind of we edit your joke. Incidentally, since we try to get a variety of subjects from week to week, jokes are sometimes held for several weeks. So if you sent in a joke a couple of months ago, don’t be discouraged. It may still be read by Peter Donald. And so ends another session of “Can You Top This?” brought to you by Kirkman double duty soap flakes -- safe for your finest washables, thrifty enough for dishes and family laundry because there are four extra cupfulls in every box. Join us again next week. Same time, same gang, other jokes, some new, some old. Until then, we remain your for bigger and better laughs.

SF: Edward Hastings Ford

HH: Harry Herschel Hershfield

JL: Joe No Middle Name Laurie Jr

PD: Beaver Donald

RB: And G. Roger Bower!

AK: Mrs. Smith! Smith! Before you turn that dial -- have you tried Kirkman complexion soap?