CAN YOU TOP THIS?

15 AUGUST 1945

Emcee: Roger Bower

Joke teller: Ward Wilson

Panel: Senator Ford, Harry Hershfield, Joe Laurie Jr.

(suitor, invitations, discipline, advice)

ANNOUNCER: “Can You Top This?”

WARD WILSON: I just saw a sign in a barbershop that said, “This is a clip joint. You get trimmed by experts.”

ANC: Can you top that, Harry Hershfield?

HARRY HERSHFIELD: I’ll try.

ANC: Can you, Senator Ford?

SENATOR FORD: There is a remote possibility.

ANC: Can you, Joe Laurie Jr?

JOE LAURIE JR: Well, maybe.

ANC: These three wiseacres with the laughter makers bring you another session of “Can You Top This?” With the best wishes of pure white Kirkman flakes, the flakes that are really white and really safe, just as safe as toilet soaps made to US government standards, yet they give yo 44% more flakes than other leading luxury brands. And now for our statistician and with ambition, a man who will make additions to your acquisitions -- that’s Harvard for “he’s rash with cash” -- Roger Bower!

ROGER BOWER: Good evening. “Can You Top This?” is unrehearsed and spontaneous, and our top rule is “keep them laughing.” Anyone can send in a joke, and if your joke is told by the well-known actor and storyteller Ward Wilson, pinch hitting for Peter Donald, you get ten dollars. Each of the three wits try to top it with another joke on the same subject. Each time they fail to top you, you get five dollars more. So you have a chance to win twenty-five dollars and six boxes of pure white Kirkman flakes. Laughs are registered on the Kirkman laugh meter in full view of the studio audience, and in all cases the decision of our judges is final. Alright, gentlemen, are you ready?

HH and JL: Ready!

SF: Mm-hmm.

RB: Fellows, Mrs. Maida Marino of the Bronx. And the first subject tonight is suitors, gentlemen. Suits.

HH: How do you spell it?

JL: Token suitor? [?]

RB: No, no. What you were before you got married, Joe.

JL: A simp!

SF: And I sold buttonholes at that!

RB: Well, Ward, agitate the Kirkman laugh meter with Mrs. Marino’s joke, would you please?

WW:Well, this is a story about my friend Herkimer Jerkimer. He was a bachelor. He’s one of those guys who never made the same mistake once. And he was a little dull in the upper story. In fact, he rented his brain out for brief pauses for radio stations at times. But it seems he fell in love all of a sudden with the daughter of a very wealthy man. This man was the president of the IT&T -- the American or International Towel and Tablecloth company. And he really wanted to marry this girl and she was, well, to put it mildly she was homely. She had those suspicious eyes. One was always watching the other. She came out in ‘42 and she would have been put back but somebody slammed the door. But this Mortimer, or Herkimer rather, went to call on Papa and he approached him in his very sumptuous library where he was reading the scratch sheet for the following day and he walked over to him. He says, “Mr. Fullabucks, I have come to ask for the hand of your daughter in marriage.” So he looked at him. He said, “So, you want to marry my little girl, eh? I suppose you have a good job?” He says, “Yeah, I got a pretty good job, sir,” he says, “I am a sign remover. Sign remover. I pull down a couple thousand a year,” he says, “That’s a very good job.” Father says, “Well, do you think you could support my daughter in the style to which she is accustomed?” He says, “You know, young fellow, my answer depends on your financial conditions.” He says, “Your answer depends on my financial conditions? Well, what do you know about that? My financial condition depends on your answer too!”

RB: Well, that joke got 600 on the Kirkman laugh meter. 600 is the amount. The subject is suitors. Any hands on that? Harry Hershfield had his hand up and his head down.

HH: I’ve got a couple in mind. I want to tell one as a preface I heard that other day that fit that. A fellow was calling on a girl for quite a while, and he wanted to see her specially this night, so when he called her up she gave him that regular excuse, “I’ve got an awful headache.” But he got suspicious. He thought there was another guy. And he came up there, and there was another guy. And he pulled out a revolver. She said, “My heavens! What are you going to do?” He says, “I’m going to kill myself.” She says, “That’s big of you. I thought you was going to create a scene.” But today I want to tell, you know, the boys coming back from the war, and there’s going to be a lot of handsome tough guys, and it’s going to be pretty hard to compete with these boys, and these fellows know it. So a guy about my age called on a gal and he wanted to make a big impression. He says, “You know, I’m some function myself.” He says, “You know, I was in a big battle in the World War in the First World War back, I was in the big World War Battle Number One.” And he said, “It was a terrible battle.” And he said, “The general told me, he says to go through. To go through to the Germans. And I should capture the town through the back of the town against all those regiments, and I did it and the shells and everything, we’re fighting the grenades and everything. But I came through and I saved the town. And I came back; they were shooting at me, all of those regiments. And you know I got all the medals from the government. He general pinned it on me. Then the French gave me the Croix de Guerre. Oh, I did wonderful in that.” She says, “Was that in Chateau-Thierry?” He says, “No. In a big parade!”

RB: And that was 700 on the Kirkman laugh meter. 700 is the amount. You top Mrs. Marino’s 600 so we don’t add anything to her ten dollars, and Joe Laurie has it.

JL: I got another short preface. This is kind of… Two fellows meet and he says, “Aren’t you Maisie Keyes’ suitor?” He says, “Yes, but I didn’t.” He said, “You didn’t what?” He said, “Suit her.” I like that. A fellow was proposing to a girl, and he says, “Honey, I’m crazy about you. When I look at you it drives me nuts. I’m nuts about you. Marry me and I’ll go through fire and water for you.” She says, “Make it fire because I’d rather see you hot than all wet.

RB: That was a hot 1000 on the Kirkman laugh meter. 1000 topped the Kirkman laugh meter. You topped Mrs. Marino’s 600 so again we don’t add anything to her ten dollars. Senator Ford, are you in this one?

SF: I was wishing you fellows would tell a good gag to remind me of one. Well a woman went into a place on Seventh Avenue and she looked at some garments and said, “What is this made of?” and the salesman said, “Wool. It’s 100% wool.” She said, “Well, then what is this label doing sewed in here than says ‘100% cotton?’” He says, “That’s only to keep the moths away.” That’s a cloth and suitor gag that he was in. So Ocky Pop said to Dopey Dildock, he said, “Hey Dopey. Are you keeping company with Cynthia anymore?” So Dopey said, “Nah. That was a whirlwind courtship. When she mentioned marriage, I blew.” So a fellow who was…. Girl said, “Yes. I’ll marry you. But have you seen my mother and father?” And he said, “Many times, and I want to marry you anyhow.”

RB: Well, that was 500 on the Kirkman laugh meter.

SF: You know what’s the trouble today? I went to the chiropodist and he cut all the corn off me.

HH: And I had one about Goering. When Goering went around with a girl he only sent her telegrams. He couldn’t get in the telephone booth. Maybe I should have…

[crosstalk]

RB: We’ll have to stop this. We send Mrs. Marino fifteen dollars and six true blue boxes of pure white Kirkman flakes. And now for a new chamber. Give us a chip, Kip.

AND: Well, you’re off the track, Jack. It’s not chips, it’s flakes. Kirkman flakes -- because those pure white Kirkman flakes are safe. Just as safe as toilet soaps made to US government standards. Safe for baby’s clothes, sheer stocking, and fragile underthings. Safe for gay, washable colors, and of course, safe for hands. And what’s more, in the big eighteen-ounce true blue Kirkman package you get 44% more pure white flakes than from other leading luxury brands. That means Kirkman flakes are economical enough for washing dishes too. Remember that 44 means plenty more.

RB: Well said, Hugh. Now, James Earl Griffin of Brooklyn submits this story to the Kirkman comedy carnival. The subject is invitations, gentlemen. Invitations. Ward Wilson, give Mr. Griffin’s story to the waiting listeners, will you please?

WW: Well, this is a little story about Patrick O’Flaherty, a Swedish boy, and he decided on the occasion of his birthday that he was going to throw himself sort of a donnybrook. He had all of his pals there, all of his saloonatic friends and they were all gathered together, among whom was one Michael O’Toole. Michael was a square-shouldered guy with a head to match, pretty much, and they had a wonderful time at the party. Everybody was giving out with the songs and everything. Nora Murphy sang “Far, Far Away,” and everybody figured she wasn’t, and Clancy sang “Coming Through the Rye,” and by that time they’d gone through all of it, and then they played pin the tail on the donkey and Pat still has the scars to prove it. Everything was going along fine, it was great, and they gave imitations and sang songs and one thing and another. So Pat finally saw Michael over there, who had been imbibing slightly. Of course, it’s anybody’s privilege to drink but Mike had sort of been abusing the privilege. He was sort of in the stiff stage. So Pat wanted to get him up to do something too, so he looked over at him, he says, “Well, ladies and gentlemen, I have the honor and privilege of asking me friend Mike if he’s be able to entertain us a bit. Mike, would you be giving us with a song?” Well, Mike looked at him and he says, “No, no. I can’t sing anymore. Me voice is gone. Voice is gone. I can’t sing. I just can’t sing a note. That’s all there is to that.” He says, “Well, then how about doing a step or two? Maybe a little jig or fusby or reel. That would be good too.” Says, “No, no. I can’t do that. That arthritis is setting into me legs. I can’t do a jig. I can’t do anything like that at all.” He says, “Well, certainly, Mike, there’s something you can do. Come on, now. Just something to prove that you’re sociable. That’s all. Just be a nice sociable fellow.” He says, “Well, that’s different.” He says, “Alright. As long as we’re all friends and you want me to do something to be sociable -- but, mind you, just to be friendly and sociable -- I’ll lick any man in the house!”

RB: That’s liable to get I’d say 300. 300 is the amount. Mr. Griffin has 300. Subject is invitations and Joe Laurie had his hand up first.

JL: A fellow was visiting his girl one night and while he was there, he was courting her, and while he was there a terrific storm come up. Oh, terrible. Anyway, he didn’t wait, and finally the girl’s mother says, “John,” she says, “you can’t go home tonight. This is terrible. I’ve never seen such a storm like this. It’s like pouring out.” He said, “Oh, I can drive.” “No, no. I’ll tell you what I’ll do. I’ll fix the spare room for you. You stay here tonight.” And the girl says, “Oh, and I’ll go in the kitchen and fix some refreshments. That’ll be fine.” So she goes. The mother goes upstairs and fixes the spare room, and the daughter goes in the kitchen and fixes some lunch or something. And twenty minutes later when they get back to the parlor, they see John standing and he’s, oh, he’s soaking wet, and a bundle under his arm. Says, “What happened to you?” Says, “I went home to get my pyjamas.”

RB: And you went home to the top of the Kirkman laugh meter with that one too. 1000. You’ve topped Mr. Griffen’s 300. Don’t add anything to his ten dollars. And Senator Ford had his hand up second.

SF:Two husbands were talking. One of them said, “I hear that your wife comes from a very fine family.” He said, “What do you mean comes from a very fine family? When I married her she brought them all with her.” A fellow was invited to a farmhouse to spend a vacation. When he got there they put him in a room on the ground floor and for four or five days an old pig kept trying to get into that room. So the guest said to one of the farm boys, he said, “Say, this pig’s been trying to get into my room for four or five days. He must like me, huh?” So the farm kid said, “Oh no, that ain’t the reason why he goes into that room. That’s where he lives when you ain’t here.”

RB: Well, that was 1000 on the Kirkman laugh meter and he previous one which was 500. In either case, you’ve topped Mr. Griffin’s 300, so…

SF: Well, I was trying to get warmed up for a thousander.

RB: I see. Well, you got it there alright.

JL: Getting hot.

RB: Harry Hershfield, have you got something?

HH: Yeah. Lou Brooks told me a story that’s a goofy story. There was a moron that kept having his finger in his ear, like this all the time. But nobody would invite him to parties or anything because he was a nuisance. They couldn’t figure this out. He was with his finger in his ear. So a psychiatrist stepped into picture and said, “You’re wrong socially with that boy not to invite him. He didn’t do something that’s wrong. I’ll invite him, give him a little party, and then I’ll ask him about that ear, and I can fix it.” So he gives a little party, the psychiatrist. He got the moron there. Moron came in with a finger in the ear like this. And they had this party and he finally said, “Why do you keep your finger in your ear?” He said, “There’s a fly in my head. That’s the reason.” So the doctor said he’s figured out a scheme where he’d make him think he did have a fly and take it away. So he examined him and said, “Yes, you’ve got a fly in your ear, but I’ll get it out. So he gave him an anaesthetic, took it out, and had a dead fly ready.” When it got all over, he said, “See? You did have a fly and it’s taken out and I’ve killed it.” Two days later they came again to the psychiatrist, says, “He’s now got two fingers in the both ears. So they invited him again and he said, “Listen, why do you keep the two fingers in your two ears? I took that fly out of your head.” He says, “Yeah, but for the bother it gave me I don’t want any more coming in again!”

RB: 1000 on the Kirkman laugh meter. 1000. That means that all three of you have topped Mr. Griffin’s 300 and we send Mr. Griffin a joke book plus ten dollars for sending in the story and six true blue boxes of pure white Kirkman flakes. Well, this next joke is from Ted Schulz of Hasbrouk Heights, New Jersey, and the subject is discipline, gentlemen. Discipline. Discipline. Ward, send Mr. Schulz’s joke up the curtain of laughter, would you please?

SF: Army jokes ought to go in there someplace.

WW: That’s just what this one is. At a certain airfield there was a major in charge who was very much of a stickler for discipline. Great disciplinarian. He had to have everything just right. Every little detail had to be meticulous. In fact, even at dinner the salad that he ate had to have formal dressing. And I think he was trained by General Yoo-hoo ben Lear or something. But anyway, this major learned that a B-29 was due to arrive over the field and to show off for all the people assembled there he had the two-way communication system between the plane and the tower hooked into the PA system on the field so that everybody could hear the two-way conversation between the plane and the tower. Well, everything was all set in readiness. All the last detail was ironed out, and finally the plane thundered across the field, way up about 10,000 feet and it made contact by radio, requested landing instructions. So the major stepped over very blithely, opened up his microphone, and he gave the information to the B-29, and they came right back but not in the usual way such as “roger,” meaning “I understand” and “wilco,” meaning “will do,” but what he heard was the voice from the plane said “Roger dodger and wilco filco!” Well, he burned up a little bit. He gave the instructions back again and it came back again: “Roger dodger. Wilco filco!” Well, he was burning up. He was really steaming. His face was red. The oak leaves on his shoulders even curled up on the edges. He screamed back into the transmitter. He says, “Listen, young man. This is Major Dinglehoffer. Cut out that baby talk. This is mosyt important, so see to it that you answer with the proper ‘roger’ and ‘wilco.’” Quick as a flash, the answer came back from the B-29, “Roger dodger, you old codger, I’m a major too!”

RB: That got 1000 on the Kirkman laugh meter. 1000 is the amount, and Mr. Schulz automatically has twenty-five dollars and you wits are out for the laughs and the glory and the soap. And the subject is discipline. Any hands on discipline? All three hands up. Well, Harry has his hand up the highest.

HH: While I was thinking of a gag on the subject I just made up one about General MacArthur. He’ll keep them in line. He’ll have those nips down on their Japanese.

SF: Harry, you know, we rehearsed on the Germany.

RB: Very good.

HH: But the gag I wanted to talk about is Loren Haverglass came to America for the first time and bought this big racing car. And he thought the best way to see America is by car. So he rushed to the country, and all of a sudden he came to a big sign. It says, “Drive slowly. This means you.” He says, “My word! How did they find out I came over here!”

RB: 800 on the Kirkman laugh meter. 800 is the amount. There was hand from Joe Laurie…

JL: I got a short preface about this fellow says, “I need discipline. The only place to get it is in the army.” So he goes to an enlistment place. He says, “I want to enlist.” He says, “For how long?” He says, “For the duration.” He says, “There’s no war now.” He says, “I know. It’s for the duration of peace.”The one I want to tell.. I like kid stories. The one I want to tell is a mother is getting a baby ready for bed. And she says to little Jimmy, she says, “Jimmy, go upstairs and get baby’s nightgown.” He says, “Nah.” Says, “Jimmy, I’ll slap you if you answer me like that. Go upstairs and get little Jimmy’s nightgown.” And he says, “Nah.” Says, “You know what’s going to happen if you don’t get his nightgown? The little baby is going to put on his wings and fly right back to heaven.” He says, “Yeah? Well, let him put on his wings and fly up and get his nightgown.”

RB: 1000 tops the Kirkman laugh meter. You did Mr. Schulz but of course didn’t top him. Senator Ford?

SF: Well, I guess this would come under the head of discipline. The Scotchman who smacked his kid because it bought an all-day sucker at four o’clock in the afternoon. Well, a sergeant who wasn’t too bright sent a corporal who was still not as bright as the sergeant around to see that all the lights were out in the barracks. So he looked along and he though he saw some light coming out from under a door, and he said, “Put that light out.” A voice inside said, “That’s the moon.” Corporal said, “I don’t care what it is. Put it out!”

RB: 500 on the Kirkman laugh meter. 500 is the amount.

SF: Could have hollered it louder.

RB: However, inasmuch as none of you wits has topped Mr. Schulz, we send Mr. Schultz twenty-five dollars and six true blue boxes of pure white Kirkman flakes. And now, last night Kirkman flakes’ roving reporter interviews a glamorous girl lifeguard Petunia Porpoise of of Sunburn Beach.

REPORTER: Miss Porpoise, you must have had some thrilling experiences as a lifeguard.

PETUNIA PORPOISE: Oh, I have. Why, the other day I rescued a millionaire. Gosh, was he handsome. And while he was unconscious he kissed me fifty times.

R: Fifty times! Is that right?

PP: Well, it may not have been right, but it was darned interesting.

R: And did he offer you any other reward?

PP: Oh, yes. He wanted to give me a hacienda.

R: Did you take it?

PP: Certainly not. My hotel won’t let me keep pets. And besides, my boyfriend told me…

R: Oh, you have a boyfriend, then, eh?

PP: Certainly. And what a guy! He whistles at his work.

R: Whistles at his work?

PP: Yeah, he’s a traffic cop.

R: Well, soon you’ll marry and have a lot of…

PP: Mr White! How you joke.

R: A lot of Kirkman flakes, because pure white Kirkman flakes are safe -- just as safe as toilet soaps made to US government standards.

PP: Safe. That’s me. I…

R: And Kirkman flakes are safe for sheer stockings and fragile underthings.

PP: I don’t wear stocking is swimming. I wear sort of a…

R: And Kirkman flakes are safe for gay washable colors and safe for baby skin..

PP: And then I twist it in the back, you see…

R: And of course those Kirkman flakes are safe for a woman’s lovely hands.

PP: Ain’t you the flatterer, though? My boyfriend wouldn’t like it, though, if

R: And once more in the big eighteen-ounce true blue Kirkman package means you get 44% more pure while flakes than from any other leading luxury brand.

PP: 44% more. Sounds good, but my boyfriend don’t let me accept gifts from people who…

R: And that 44% more means Kirkman flakes are economical enough for doing dishes too.

PP: Well, my boyfriend don’t let me accept gifts.

R: My, he must be narrow-minded.

PP: Oh, is he narrow-minded. Why, he could look through a keyhole with both eyes at once.

R: Well, you can tell him with Kirkman flakes, 44 means plenty more!

SEVERAL VOICES: [singing] Kirkman flakes are sure lifesavers for they’re easy on your duds. Kirkman Flakes to [inaudible] in those rich long lasting suds.

RB: Louise M. Anderson of New York City sent in this next story and the subject is advice, gentlemen. Advice. Ward, would you read Miss Anderson’s story, please?

WW: Well, Sam Smolowitz has very recently married. Met his very good friend Abe, who is a bachelor, Abe Birnbaum. And they were talking things over and Sam was telling him all the joys of married life, painting a very vivid picture. It was wonderful. So Sam says, or Abe says, rather, he says, “Well, [Imitates Yiddish inarticulately] ipsy-pipsy [imitates more Yiddish], and to tell you the truth, I too would like to get married myself. If there will be trouble,” he says, “Every time I want to marry a girl for love, I find out she ain’t got any money.” But he says, “You see, right now I got somebody in mind.” He said, “A very lovely ipsy-pipsy daughter that she is beautiful like Venus except for the arms she’s got too. She’s rich like Rockefeller, got plenty money, and smart, how smart she is got with the split infinitives, makes all kinds of dialogues, a very smart girl and a wonderful cook. Beats up a mean bagel very ipsy-pipsy. Such a beautiful job.” He says, “Cheese blintzes she cooks well. She’ll make a lovely husband for me but” he says “just one thing, one little eentsy-teensy thing that got me upset.” He says, “Once a year, one day in the year, she gets a little bit off the beam, a little bit off balance, a little bit nuts.” He says, “Well, she’s rich, she’s beautiful, she can cook like nobody’s business, but you tell me one day a year she goes wacky. I don’t exactly set myself up for a Jake J. Anthony,” he says,” but I’ll give you a little advice.” He says, “Alright. What’s the advice? Tell me what I should do.” He says, “Well, I’ll tell you what should do.” He says, “I’ll advice you.” He says, “You marry her on the one day when she’s a little bit wacky -- because on the other 364 days, she takes a good look on you, she would sic the belt on you!”

RB: The Kirkman laugh meter gave that a 600. 600 is the amount. 600. The subject is advice. Harry Hershfield had his hand up first.

HH: Little Sammy in school has got his head in his hands very weary, and the teacher says, “Sammy, wake up! Can you tell me how many feet a mosquito’s got?” He says, “Teacher, my mother’s in he hospital, my father’s out of a job, my brother’s lost, my sister’s getting a divorce. Teacher, go home and don’t worry. I should have your problems!”

RB: 700 is the amount on the Kirkman laugh meter. You topped Miss Anderson’s 600 so she stays with ten dollars, and Senator Ford had his hand up second.

SF: Well, Mr. And Mrs. Ditsy Baumwartle went on a ocean trip. This was some years ago. And when they boarded the ship, Mrs. Baumwartle said to one of the sailors,
"My husband suffers. He’s allergic to mal de mer.” So the sailor said, “Well, that’s alright. A lot of people get seasick.” She she said, “Look, if he gets seasick, will you tell him what to do?” He says, “Lady, if he gets seasick, I won’t have to tell him what to do. He’ll do it!”

RB: 700 on the Kirkman laugh meter. 700, yes. That topped Miss Anderson’s 600. We don’t do anything to her ten dollars. And Joe Laurie?

JL: Yeah, Mrs. Fairfax years ago used to answer advice to the lovelorn in the paper. So a girl writes and says, “I go with a young man who has no money, but he says he’s a go-getter. Shall I marry him?” She says, “Dear little girl, don’t marry a young go-getter. Marry an old already-gotter.”

RB: 800 on the Kirkman laugh meter. 800 is the amount. You also topped Miss Anderson’s 600. Inasmuch as all three of you have topped Miss Anderson, we send Miss Anderson a joke book plus ten dollars for sending in the story and six true blue boxes of pure white Kirkman flakes. Well, I see from the clock up there we haven’t time for another full round of stories, but we have a moment for clown table discussion if you fellows have anything on your minds you’d like to talk about. Anything on your minds, gentlemen?

SF: The only thing you can talk about today is V-J Day, isn’t it?

JL: You know, I was just thinking. I wonder. Did the Mikado save anything for a rainless day?

HH: You know, I got to thinking also, it took the end of a world war to get a bigger crowd in Times Square than Sinatra could get.

JL: You know, I was just thinking about our war with Germany was a matter of hours - Eisenhours. And this war with Japan seems to be just a matter of Nimitz!

SF: Well, you know, now the war’s over a lot of you people think you’re going to get everything you want, but there’s one thing I read you’re not going to get. You girls are not going to get girdles right away. I also read that they’re making rubber now out of sand and gas. Isn’t is going to be uncomfortable to have sand in your girdle?

RB: Well, with that piece of vital information we conclude the clown table discussion And thus ends another “Can You Top This?” brought to you by pearl white Kirkman flakes. Join us again next week same time, same gang, other joke, some new, some old. Until then, we remain yours for bigger and better laughs:

SF: Senator Ford

HH: Harry Hershfield

JL: Joe Laurie Jr

WW: Ward Wilson

RB: Roger Bower

ANC: And Wash White saying goodnight for Kirkman flakes.