CAN YOU TOP THIS

26 JULY 1947

NBC Radio

Emcee: Dennis James

Joke teller: Ward Wilson

Panel: Senator Ford, Harry Hershfield, Joe Laurie Jr.

(service, names, conversation, anger)

ANNOUNCER: Once again, Palmolive brushless and Palmolive lather, Palmolive, the largest-selling brand of shave creams in the world presents “Can You Top This?” Starring Senator Ford.

SENATOR FORD: Good evening.

ANC: Harry Hershfield.

HARRY HERSHFIELD: Howdy.

ANC: And Joe Laurie, Jr.

JOE LAURIE JR: Hellooo.

ANC: And now, here’s Palmolive shave cream’s master of ceremonies, Dennis James.

DENNIS JAMES: Well, good evening, friends. Welcome to “Can You Top This?” our unrehearsed massacre. Our three wits do not know what jokes have been chosen till the people’s representative, Ward Wilson, batting for vacationing Peter Donald, tells them on the air. Our three gagsters have no scripts. They rely on memory and ability to switch jokes and make them fit the subject. Now, if Ward Wilson tells your submitted story, you get ten dollars, plus a phonograph record personally autographed by our wits of Ward Wilson telling your story on the air. Laughs are registered on the big Palmolive shave meter in full view of the studio audience, and each time the wits fail to top your score, you win an additional five dollars, which means you may win twenty-five dollars. So right now it’s on with the laughs, and are you ready, gentlemen?

HH and JL: Ready!

SF: Yeah, I guess so.

DJ: Well, alright then. The first joke this evening comes from Mr. Elroy Thiel of Milwaukee, Wilconsin, and it’s on the subject of service. For service of the laugh…

SF: What?

JL: What is it?

DJ: Service.

SF: Servant?

DJ: No, service. They’re the same kind…

JL: Robert Service.

DJ: Gasoline or whatever you want to have it. Ward, with service for a laugh now, huh?

WW: It’ll service right too, probably. Well, this is a story about a hoity-toity woman who moved into a new apartment. It was on the seventeenth floor of this building, and the day that she arrived, the elevator broke down. So she had to get her trunk, which only weighed about 150 pounds, up to the seventeenth floor, she she got ahold of this little colored boy, and said that she’d like to have it taken up to the seventeenth floor. So he gets it on his back and he starts struggling up these flights on stairs, and he’s going along step after step, and he says, “Oh, my aching back! My sacroiliac!” He finally labors up these steps. He gets up to the seventeenth floor, and he puts the trunk down. And the woman looked at him and said, “Well, that’s very good. My good man, sir, just how much do I owe you?” He says, “Well, ma’am,” he says, “That’ll cost you exactly seven dollars.” She says, “My goodness! Seven dollars. Why, that’s entirely too much. I’ll just pay you five. That’s all.” He said, “Ma’am, you’re talking to the wrong fellow here.” He says, “I’m a member of the AF of L -- the Association of Find ‘em and Lose ‘em. After all, we got the President Joe L. Lewis in the corner with us, you know.” He said, “I can’t take no rate like that. Seven dollars is supposed to be the fee and that’s what I got to get.” She says, “Well, after all, you know that there’s something approaching a depression, and I can’t pay you seven dollars.” Said, “Depression?” Said, “Lady, a depression ain’t nothing but a dent, and a dent ain’t nothing but a hole, and a hole ain’t nothing, and if you think I’m going to stand around here arguing about nothing, you’re crazy. Seven dollars is the fee and that’s all. That’s the final price.” Says, “Well, I will give you five, and if I don’t give you seven, just what are you going to do about it?” Said, “Ma’am, I’m telling you, if you don’t give me the seven dollars I’m going to take that trunk and lug it right down where I got it from. That’s what I’m going to do.”

DJ: Well, Ward, that got a 750 on the Palmolive shave meter, so we’ll see if our three wits can tie it. They’ve got some leeway in there of about 250.

JL: Well, he didn’t ask for it. He only asked for seven dollars.

DJ: That’s right. Joe Laurie Jr’s first.

JL: Well, a fellow goes into a pretty nice restaurant. He sits down and the waiter comes over to him and he says, “Soup.” To the fellow brings him this soup.” A few minutes later he calls over and he says, “Waiter. Can’t drink the soup.” He says, “Why? You can’t drink the soup? Why, this is wonderful soup,” he says, “We never have complaints about it.” He says, “Can’t drink the soup.” Says, “Just a minute.” So he calls over the head waiter. Head waiter says, “I hear you can’t drink the soup. Why, that’s terrible.” He says, “We have the most wonderful soup here. We pride ourselves on the soup especially. It’s wonderful.” He says, “Can’t drink the soup.” Says, “Just a minute.” So he calls over the proprietor. Proprietor says, “Why the head waiter and the waiter tell me that you can’t drink the soup.” He says, “Why, we pride ourselves on the soup. I’ve been in business here for four year, and nobody’s ever done that. Why, this is wonderful.” He said, “I don’t care. I can’t drink the soup.” So he says, “Just a minute,” and the chef comes out. Chef is excited. One of those French chefs. He says, “I have never heard of a thing like that.” He says, “You insult me!” He says, “I’m a wonderful chef. I worked in Russia.” He says. “I worked in Germany. I worked in English.” He says, “This is the most wonderful soup in the world.” He says, “And you say you can’t drink the soup?” He says, “I can’t drink the soup.” He says, “Why can’t you drink the soup?” He says, “No spoon.”

DJ: Well, you may not have had us fooled Joe, but you sure dished out a 1000, so you’re all set for this round. Harry Hershfield with his hand up.

HH: Well, this is about service. There’s a gag going around about this. There’s a drunk passing a house of worship, and he hears the music coming out and he don’t know where he’s at. He hears the music. He’s attracted. He sits down. And the organ is playing and then the preacher does his sermon for a half hour. Then the choir sings. Then the minister, preacher talks again for forty minutes. Again the organ. Again the choir. Again he speaks for forty minutes. And again the choir and again the organ. When it’s all over the preacher passes the drunk that he sees there and he says, “Were you impressed.” He says, “The music was beautiful. But the commercials are a little too long.”

DJ: Well, we’ll get something long in there. We got a long laugh. That was a 1000, Harry, on the Palmolive shame creams meter. So that’s the commercial too. Alright, it’s up to you, Senator.

SF: Well…

DJ: That got a 50.

SF: Listen, for one word that’s not bad. A plumber walked into the living room of a house and he said to the husband, he said, “I just came out of the kitchen. You know, I found an awful mess in there?” The husband said, “Just a minute! You’re speaking of the woman I love!” Short, wasn’t it?

DJ: Short but sweet. It was a 1000. All three of you gentlemen topped Mr. Thiel.

SF: I got two more I could have told.

DJ: You’ve got two more? Would you like to tell?

SF: Yeah, by the time they got through with those serials that they did, you know, those commercials…

DJ: But you are finished, Senator?

SF: Oh, yes, yes, I’m finished.

DJ: Okay, so since three of you did top Mr. Thiel, though, we’ll send Mr. Thiel ten dollars with the compliments of Palmolive shave creams and a copy of that laugh-packed and brand-new joke book Can You Top This? written by our three wits. In addition, we’re sending Mr. Thiel an actual phonograph record of Ward Wilson telling his story on the air. Now here’s Dan Donaldson with the biggest shaving news in history.

DAN DONALDSON: Three men out of every four get more comfortable, actually smoother shaves the Palmolive brushless shave cream way.Yes, three men out of every four get more comfortable, actually smoother shaves the Palmolive brushless shave cream way. This is not just a promise, not just a claim. . 1,297 men tried the new, different Palmolive brushless way to shave and, no matter how they shaved before, 79% found beards easier to cut, 75% got less razor pull, 69% closer shaves, 82% smoother-feeling skin, and three men out of every four got more comfortable, actually smoother shaves. But you be the judge. Try the new Palmolive brushless way to shave yourself. Here’s all you do: wash your face with soap and water, rinse, soap your face thoroughly again and apply Palmolive brushless shave cream. Smooth  it upward into your beard. This way you get the full benefit of Palmolive brushless shave cream’s beard conditioning effect. Then shave.  And that’s all. But remember, Palmolive brushless shave cream offers you proof that three men out of every four get more comfortable, actually smoother shaves the Palmolive brushless shave cream way.

(Harmonica note)

SF: (Singing) Should shaving comfort be forgot.

HH: (Singing) And shavers rant and rave

JL: (Singing) Oh, no, my friend, your worries end

SF, HH, and JL: (Singing) With Palmolive brushless shave.

DJ: Oh, you’re in voice tonight, gentlemen. Suppose we get on with another round, now to continue our contest of wit and humor? And here’s a joke which was sent in by Mr. Steve Zelai of Barberton, Ohio, and the subject of this joke is names. Like Jones, Peoria, Kiwanee. You know, just names of any kind. Got it?

SF: Thanks for the explanation.

DJ: Well, I had to on service, gentlemen, so I thought I would make it clear this time. Ward, we won’t call you any names, so if you’d come up with the 1000, so take off, huh?

WW: Okay, Denny, this is a story about one of Pete’s favorites, Herkimer Jerkimer, who is commonly known as one of Senator Ford’s quarter-wits. He’s not exactly bright. And he meets one of his childhood pals on the street, and the kid says, “Hiya there, Herky.” He says, “I seen you down the city hall yesterday. What was you doing?” He says, “Duh, I went down there with a friend of mine. Yup.” Said, “Yeah, what was the friend’s name?” Said, “Well, that’s the whole thing. He went to change his name.” He says, “His name is Joe Czizmenskiwicz and he wanted to get it changed.” Said, “Well, what did they change it to?” He says, “Duh, Charlie Czizmenskiwicz. Yeah, that’s all fixed up.” Says, “Well, thinking about that and his name and your name,” he says, “incidentally, I never asked you. Where was you born?” He said, “Duh, in the hospital I was born.” “No, no,” he says, “what city was you born in?” Says, “Duh, I was born in New York City.” Says, “Which part?” He says, “All of me. What are you talking about, which part?” “No, no,” he says, “I know you for a long time, now, Herky,” he says, “I never got confidential with you. Why, I don’t believe you ever told me your full name.” He says, “Duh, well, I don’t know whether I ever gave you my full name or not before, but,” he says, “my mother and father, they called me Herkimer Q. Jerkimer.” Says, “Herkimer Q. Jerkimer, eh? What’s the Q for?” Says, “Duh, what’s the Q for? The Q is what you shoot pool with.”

DJ: Well, Ward, the flash came right back. He’s going to take the trunk down the stairs. He’s getting his seven bucks. It was a 700 up there.

WW: Give me a little chalk for the cue, will you?

DJ: Yes. Alright, gentlemen, let’s see. You’ve got a 300 leeway to play with. Harry Hershfield first.

HH: Well, here’s a kind of a crazy story how people react to a different question. How people react to a thing. There’s a fellow wants to find his way to Centerville. He’s in his car. So he stops to a fellow who’s named Shultz. He says, “Is this the way to Centerville?” He says, “Yes. Go go over the George Washington Bridge.” He says, “No, you go the Holland Tunnel.” Says, “No, you go by the way, I think, of Staten Island” Says, “Thank you.” And he walked up to another guy named Jackson. He says, “Is this the way to Centerville?” He said, “The one in Georgia or the one here?” He says, “No, the one here.” He says, “Let’s see. You go by the way of Brooklyn. I think that’s the shortest.” Said, “No, when you get to Brookl-- No. You go by the way of Yonkers.” Says, “Thank you. Thank you.” And he goes up and sees to a fellow named Finnegan, and he said, “Is this the way to Centerville?’ He said, “You go twenty-two miles, you turn left, then you go right to by a little schoolhouse, and then you go twelve miles, you--” He says, “Thank you.” And he comes up to a guy who’s named Ginsberg, and he says, “Is this the way to Centerville?” Ginsberg looks up, says, “Do you have to go there?”

DJ: Well, I guess I don’t have to tell you, Harry, do I? That was another 1000 for you. Senator Ford, you try it this trip, will you? Wait till this one settles down a little?

SF: Yeah, I think so. I don’t want to talk into Harry’s laugh. Well, I know a fellow with a lot of jack who’s an ace spender. Jack Ace they call him. Well, Ditsy Baumwartle and Dopey Dildock were talking and Ditsy, in the course of the conversation, said something about Victor Hugo. So Dopey says, “I never heard of him.” So a little while later he mentioned Julius Caesar. Dopey says, “I never heard of him. Ditsy said, “I bet you you you never even -- You don’t even know Adam, do you?” He says, “Well, I don’t know about that. What’s his last name?” Then little Oscar Fotzengoggle had a kid with him and he said to Oscar, “Hey, what was your mama’s maiden name?” Oscar says, “I don’t know, but according to our towels it must have been Waldorf-Astoria.”

DJ: Well, Senator, that was 1,550 all totaled up.

SF: Good, eh?

DJ: But the last one did bring in 1000 and 700 was all you had to top, so you don’t have to worry about it? Let’s see. It was little Joe who had…

SF: Well, that’s nice of you. That’s white of you.

DJ: Oh, sure. Well, we could have gone on and on, but…

SF: Undoubtedly.

DJ: Undoubtedly. So could you have gone on and on. Joe, you ready?

JL: Yeah, the Friends of Ireland had a terrific convention, and, oh, there was thousands of fellows there and in the lobby of the hotel they had a desk there, and it says, “Register here. Friends of Ireland register here. All members register here.” So they come up and a fellow says, “What’s your name?” He says, “Finnegan.” “Finnegan. Okay.” “What’s your name?” “Casey.” He says, “Casey.” “Houlihan.” “Okay.” “Doyle.” “Okay.” A fellow comes along. He says, “What’s your name?” He says, [Yiddish accent] “Quinn.” So he looks up. He says, “What?” He says, [Yiddish accent] “Quinn. Montgomery Quinn.” And he looks at him and says, “You Quinn?” He said, “Yeah, yeah.” He says, “Spell it.” He says, “C-O-H-E-N. Quinn.”

DJ: Commonly called spelling out a gag too, Joe. Well, that was another 1000, so three of our wits got a 1000, plus the senator told three stories, Joe, if you’ve got any more you want to throw in it’s perfectly…

JL: Yeah, I heard one on the air the other day I… For a goofy story. I forget what program had it on, but I thought it was a cute story about guys arguing about names and one of them said, “Well, my father’s crazy about horses.” And he says, “He calls himself Flicka.” He says, “Crazy about horses and he calls himself Flicka. That’s his name?” He said, “Yeah, his name. It’s Flicka.” He said, “He must be crazy.” He said, “That’s what my mother says. My mother says he’s crazy naming himself after a horse.” He says, “What’s your mother’s name?” He says, “Lassie.”

DJ: That one’s just the capper.

SF: Say, Dennis, while we’re on that subject, I could throw in one. You know, recently, when I had that appendectomy I came out of the hospital and I ran into one of the Lambs down at the club, and he said, “Where were you?” I said, “They took my appendix.” He said, “You should have had it in your wife’s name.”

DJ: Well, go ahead, Harry. You haven’t had your second try.

HH: I’ll name two. A marine comes back and he calls up a girl and he says, “Can I call at your house tonight?” Says, “Who’s this talking?” He said, “Gideon.” She said, “Who?” He said, “Gideon G like in gin. I like in ice. D like in drink.” She said, “That’s identification enough. Come right up.”

DJ: Well, that was a good round, gentlemen. Extra full, but all three of you topped Mr. Zelai the first time, so we send Mr. Zelai ten dollars with the compliments of Palmolive shame creams and a copy of that laugh-packed and brand-new joke book Can You Top This? Written by our three wits and now on sale wherever books are sold. In addition, we’re sending Mr. Zelai an actual phonograph record of Ward Wilson telling his story on the air. Clear your throats gentlemen, because here we go again. This joke comes in from Mr. I. L. Miller of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, and the subject is conversation. Well, let’s have a word from Ward, a [gap in recording] from Harry.

WW: OK.

HH: Oh, he’s a poet and doesn’t know it.

WW: This kid is really in there pitching, isn’t he? Well, this is a story about little Pat Mulvaney, who was up in Central Park and he sat down on a park bench. He looked very disgusted and dejected, alongside of another fellow who happened to be sitting on the bench and the fellow turned and looked at him. He says, “How are you feeling?” He says, “Oh, terrible, terrible, terrible. Just awful. It’s I’m so disgusted with the world.” Says, “Well, what’s the matter with you?” He says, “Well it’s amazing.” He said, “You take the silly things these people will believe. I never seen such a thing in my life. Here, you take it for example: they believe in Friday the thirteenth, they believe in not putting hats on the bed.” He said, “They don’t walk under ladders. They believe in the Blarney Stone and four-leaf clovers. Most of them ain’t clovers to begin with. They even believe in the promises of women. They bet on racehorses and cures for baldness and all them things.” He says, “Well, what’s the matter with that? I do too.” He said, “Well, it’s very discouraging to me.” He said, “They’ll doubt the simple little completely and obvious fact that I’ve been trying to tell them over and over again, but they ignore me and insist on finding out of themselves, and believe me, I’m pretty fed up.” He says, “Believe for themselves? Pretty fed up?” He says, “Incidentally, just what and who are you?” He says, “Who me?” He says, “I’m the guy who puts up all them signs that say, ‘Wet paint.’”

DJ: Well, wet paint must mean keep off, Ward, so for Mr. Miller you got a big 1000. Our three wits will have to tie it. They certainly can’t top that one. Let’s see. Little Joe from Kokomo.

JL: Well, here’s the kind that I go crazy with. I like them. I don’t know. So a guy making conversation in a bar. All fellows stand up against the bar, and the bartender. And the fellow says, “What do you do?” He says, “Oh.”Bartender said, “So what do you do?” He says, “I’m a magician. I worked in vaudeville. Vaudeville. I work around cabarets now.” He says, “Show me some tricks, will you?” So he shows him a card trick and then a coin trick, and all kinds of little tricks and everything, and the bartender says, “That’s alright. Alright. That’s fine.” And the magician says, “You like that kind of stuff, don’t you?” He says, “Yeah, yeah.” He says, “Do you know any tricks?” He says, “All I know is house tricks.” He says, “House tricks?” He says, “Fine. How’s tricks with you?”

DJ: Well, Joe, no worry for you. That was a 1000 on the Palmolive shave meter.

JL: I like those kind of.

DJ: I’m glad you like it, Joe, but this is the one time I think since I’ve stepped in here that everybody else liked it along with you. Alright. Harry Hershfield.

JL: It’s a novelty.

DJ: Huh?

HH: Mark Hellinger, the great producer, told me a screwball story that fits this. There’s a drunk coming out of a saloon and a kind old lady sees him, says, “Oh, the curse of drink. You know, you ought to stop drinking because when you drink you don’t eat, and when you don’t eat you get malnutrition. Please stop drinking. Go to a restaurant. Sit down, eat some nice roast chicken. Please do that. For my sake. You don’t know. For my sake stop drinking and eat something.” Says, “I know what I’m doing. I’ll stop drinking. I’ll go to a restaurant and I’ll eat.” So he staggers down the street and he gets into a place and sits down, but it’s not a restaurant. It’s a shoe shining parlor. The shoe shining parlor looks up guy at him and says, “Light or dark?” He said, “It don’t make no difference, long as I don’t get the neck.”

DJ: You know, boys, actually you’ve got me at a decided disadvantage on this round. Joe started it off and the thing is “conversation,” and if I try to stop any of you, he’ll said, “Well he said it, didn’t he?”

HH: Well, that is conversation.

JL: Anything is conversation. Even what you’re doing.

HH: No, what he’s doing isn’t conversation.

DJ: Alright.

JL: That’s argument.

DJ: I’ll buy it. There’s nothing I can say around it, so go ahead and talk for…

SF: There’s nothing you can do about it, Dennis, but I accept it.

DJ: That’s all. It’s your turn too, Senator.

SF: Oh, is it? Well, two husbands were talking, and one said, “My wife talks to herself.” The other one said, “My wife talks to herself too, but she doesn’t know it. She thinks I’m listening.”

DJ: Senator, that was a legitimate conversation gag. Thank you very much. That completes the round, and, incidentally, it was a perfect round. Four 1000s right down the line, and so we send Mr. Miller twenty-five dollars with the compliments of Palmolive shave creams, plus a 1000 Club certificate. In addition, we’re sending Mr. Miller an actual phonograph record of Ward Wilson telling his story on the air. At this point Ron Rossen has good shaving news for brush and lather fans.

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DJ: Now, here’s a joke sent in by Miss Selma Jordan of New York, New York, and it’s on the subject of anger. To be peeved and so on. Well, Ward, see if you can make…

SF: Like you were a minute ago about the conversation?

DJ: It wasn’t that I was peeved, Senator, it was just that I was at that disadvantage and I wanted to do something about it. You set, Ward? You’re not angry are you?

WW: Now?

DJ: Now, yes.

WW: Just let me know. This is a story about Mrs. Fafufnik, who met her girlfriend Tura Lura Goldfarb on the street, and Mrs. Fafufnik was looking very angry, so Tura Lura said, “Well, for goodness sakes, what are you looking so mad today? You look all excited.” She says, “Ay, yi, yi.” She says, “Last night, last night Jake took me to a opera.” Said, “We went to see, went to see The Barber of Schlemiel. Wonderful music by Rimsky-Corsetssoff.” Says, “Everything was beautiful. Played the number Opus 16 Doyla Mae, track 12. Something like that. Anyway, the boy had a beautiful voice in the opera, singing grand, and…” She says, “Well, what’s the matter? What’s upset about you?” She says, “Well, you didn’t heard it. Going to the opera. So what did I did? So I went and got myself all dressed up. I should look very Yankee-Doodle ipsy-pipsy. I got a long pair of kid gloves, Max Cross, meant to get a lovely little number, an evening creation hit from Lilly de Chepillow. Then I went down, got a lovely pair of high-heeled shoes from Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi Miller. And the dress, a very cute little number,” says, “I went down to Klein’s Fourth Avenue, picked up and a beautiful fancy fur piece I got from I. J. Wulf. Plus, mind you, plus the very handsome jewelry that I put on from Amaca Schlemmer. So we went to the opera and I’m so upset.” She says, “Well, why are you so upset? What’s the matter with you?” She says, “Well, in addition to that I’m so peeved because I also had with me a brand new pair of opera glasses and I couldn’t use them.” Says, “Why couldn’t you use them?” Says, “Because that clunk of a husband of mine, that stupid schmo, what did he did? He gets seats in the very first row!”

DJ: Well, as far as you’re concerned, Ward, it was way up in the balcony. The thousandth row. So that takes care of this round for the three wits. They’re just going to have to work, perspire, and try it. Senator Ford first.

SF: Well, a young couple were sitting in the living room. The lights were out and so were the girl’s family. So he leaned over and gave her a nice, juicy kiss on the mouth, and then backed up to get the effect. She looked kind of bored, and she said, “You know, you don’t kiss like Van Johnson.” He said, “Well, remember, I ain’t got Betty Grable here neither.”

DJ: Ditto. That was a 1000, Senator. Joe, let’s let this one settle down, Joe.

JL: Yeah, oh, sure.

DJ: Then it’s your turn next.

JL: Well..

DJ: Get it out of your system. .

JL: Okay? Now?

DJ: Now.

JL: That’s conversation.

DJ: Right.

JL: Well, Casey passes Doyle and he looks at Doyle, and Doyle is fit to be tied. He’s sitting on a stoop and he’s fit to be tied. He says, “Doyle? What’s the matter with you?” He says, “I’ve never seen you so angry in your life.” He says, “You’d be angry too.” He says, “Well, what’s the matter?” He said, “What’s the matter?” He said, “This morning I thought I’d get up early. I got up real early and I thought I’d surprise me wife. She was in the kitchen cooking. So I sneak into the kitchen and I give her a big kiss on the back of her neck, and without turning around, mind you, she says, ‘Alright, leave two quarts of milk and one quart of cream.’”

DJ: This just seems to be a 1000 night. That’s all I can say. That’s 1000 for Joe. Harry, we’ll just have to wait again.

HH: I’d like to wait till I don’t have to get on!

DJ: Yeah, alright.

HH: But Mrs. Finnegan had never been to an army camp. She never saw soldiers, in fact. She came to this army camp and she saw one sentry with a gun passing the other sentry, not saying anything. Then they passed each other again, not saying anything. Passed each other again. Finally, she went over and says, “You’re acting like a couple of kids. Make up and be friends again, will you?”

DJ: Well, boys. You dood it again. That was another perfect round. 1000 right across the board, so we send Miss Jordan twenty-five dollars with the compliments of Palmolive shave creams plus a 1000 Club certificate. In addition we’re sending Miss Jordan an actual phonograph record of Ward Wilson telling her story on the air.

RR: Colgate dental cream cleans your breath while it cleans your teeth. No other toothpaste does a better job of cleaning teeth, for Colgate’s cleans teeth thoroughly, safely, brings out natural sparkle and beauty, and scientific tests prove conclusively that in seven out of ten cases, Colgate dental cream instantly stops unpleasing breath that originates in the mouth. So always use Colgate dental cream after you eat and before every date to clean your breath while you clean your teeth.

DJ: Well, gentlemen, right now I have a question I’d like to ask right at this point. Folks, why don’t you compete in this weekly gag fest? It’s lots more fun when you have a part in it. You may win twenty-five dollars or at least ten dollars when your joke is read, plus a phonograph record personally autographed by our wits of Ward Wilson or Peter Donald telling your story on the air. Just send your favorite joke to “Can You Top This?” in care of NBC New York or the station to which you are listening. Do not send your jokes to any individual on the program. Send them in care of “Can You Top This?” If your joke isn’t used the week it’s sent in, don’t be discouraged, because it may be used on a later broadcast. So join “Can You Top This?” originated by Senator Ford next week. Same time, same gang, other jokes, some new some old, and until then we remain yours for bigger and better laughs

SF: Joe Laurie Jr.

HH: Senator Ford

JL: No-Spoon Wilson

WW: Harry Hershfield

DJ: Peter Donald James

DAN DONALDSON: And Dan Doanldson, saying goodnight for Palmolive brushless and Palmolive lather. Palmolive -- the largest-selling brand of shave creams in the world. Next time you drive your car, remember: two auto accidents are occurring somewhere every minute you drive. So obey traffic regulations, and, most important, make sure you’re physically able to drive without endangering yourself and others. Remember: your safety and that of others is in your hands when your hands are on the wheel. So be careful. The life you save may be your own.

ANC: This is NBC, the National Broadcasting Company.