CAN YOU TOP THIS?

9 AUGUST 1947

NBC RADIO

Emcee: Ward Wilson

Joke teller: Peter Donald

Panel: Joe Laurie Jr, Harry Hershfield, Ward Wilson

Partial recording missing approximately first half.

(... health, amusements)

PETER DONALD: “...so he sent me to the health farm.” She says, “Well, what’s the matter? Didn’t you like the health farm?” “Oh, it was wonderful. It’s filled with grands and all the exercise we had and badminton and goodminton and everything we had. Popsy, polo, exercise all the time.” She says, “Well, if you liked it so much why did you come back so soon?” Says, “Well, I had to come back because I was taken sick.” She says, “Oh, that’s too bad. You going back?” She says, “Oh, of course. I’m going right back to the health farm as soon as I get well again!”

WARD WILSON: Well, Peter, you didn’t get well as or at least not as well as you did in the two previous rounds. That got a rather pernickety 900 that time on the Palmolive shave meter. I don’t blame you for taking a kick at that sheet that had that gag on it. 900 is the number and it’s up to our three wits to try and surpass it now. They all seem to want to take a crack at it. Let’s start with Harry Hershfield this time.

HARRY HERSHFIELD: Well, there are a lot of little health gags. I want to toss one in first. Finnegan goes to a doctor and he’s examined. Then he says, “Doctor, what is the fee going to be? What are you going to charge me?” He says, “Ten dollars a visit.” He says, “Ten dollars a visit?” Well, he says, “Certainly. You’ve got both malaria and rheumatism.” He says, “Here’s five dollars. Just work on the rheumatism.” But the same Finnegan goes to the doctor and the doctor looks at him, and says, “You know what’s the trouble with you? You probably haven’t had a vacation.” He says, “I certainly must need something because I can’t sleep at night.” Says, “Just change a bed. Change of air. Go out in the country. Go to a country hotel. Rural. And you’ll be surprised how you sleep. Just watch that first night.” Finnegan goes to this country hotel. At two o’clock in the morning gets ahold of the phone and he calls down. He says, “Is this the night clerk?” The guy says, “Yes. What’s biting you?” He said, “That’s what I’m calling up to ask!”

WW: Well, hold the phone, Harry. 1000 on the Palmolive shave meter that time, rather resoundingly too, topping Mr. Pickle’s 900 and putting him in more or less of a pickle. His still has his original ten dollars now, and two more gents have a chance to top it, and we’ll call on Senator Ford next.

SENATOR FORD: Well, the gag that Pete told kind of recalls one of a fellow being hailed into court, and the judge said to him, “You’ve been drinking.” Said, “Yeah.” He says, “Why?” He says, “The doctor told me my blood was getting water and I was putting alcohol in there to keep it from freezing.”

WW: Well, that won’t do any freezing, Senator. That was 1000 on the Palmolive shave meter that time.

SF: That wasn’t really the gag I was going to tell. Pete only reminded me of that. I can…

WW: Oh, well, that’s good.

SF: I have another one I could toss in there for free before Joe goes on.

WW: Well, go ahead. Toss.

SF:Well, anyway, Screwball Jake rushed into the doctor’s office and he said, “Hey, doctor! Come to me house quick. Somebody in me family is awful sick.” The doctor said, “Who is it?” He said, “It’s me. There was nobody else to send so I came meself.”

WW: Really banging away in that round, Senator. Another 1000.

SF: So when he came out of the doctor’s office he ran into Ocky Bopperknock. He said, “What was you doing in the doctor’s office?” And he said, Jake said, “I wasn’t feeling good, so the doctor told me I have to keep away from wine, women, and song.” So Ocky said, “What are you going to do?” Jake said, “I’m going to look for another doctor.”

WW: Well, you just wanted to see if you could do it three times in a row, huh?

SF: Yeah.

WW: And you almost succeeded too. The last one was 950, the first two 1000, all of which top Mr. Pickle’s original 900, so I can’t…

SF: .666 is good hitting in any league!

WW: Tell that to your New York Giants. Let’s see. Joe Laurie Jr’s about the only one we’ve missed.

JOE LAURIE JR: While we’re throwing these things around, I’ll throw one in too. Harry reminded me of Finnegan. His wife said to him, she says, “Did you go to the doctor, Finnegan?” He says, “I did.” He says, “He must have been in the war.” She says, “What makes you say that?” He says, “Well, he told me he was a vet.” Now the one I want to tell is Epstein meets a friend of his that’s limping. So he says, “What happened?” He says, “What happened” He says, “My big toe,” he says, “something happened there and got poisoned,” he says, “and I had to go the doctor. He amputated the big toe.” He says, “Amputated the toe?” Said, “How much did he charge?” He says, “Twenty-five dollars?” Says, “Twenty-five dollars for the big… Listen to me. My son Montgomery is a sturgeon.” He says, “And he’s a first-class sturgeon. If anything like that should happen again to you, for ten dollars he’ll cut off both you legs!”

WW: Well, I hate to cut you off with one like that, Joe. As a matter of fact, it was a resounding 1000 on the Palmolive shave meter. I see the Senator’s hand up again.

SF: Say, Ward, Ward.

WW: Yeah.

SF: Epstein must have had toe-maine poisoning.

WW: It’s quite a feet at that.

HH: I’m too smart to get into this.

WW: Let’s all get out while we’re still.

JL: Fred Allen’s footies?

WW: Well, let’s see. All of you three fellows topped Mr. Pickle’s 900 which is bad tidings for him. However, we do send him ten dollars with the compliments of Palmolive shave creams, just to make him feel a little bit better a copy of that laugh-packed and brand new “Can You Top This?” joke book written by our three wits and now on sale wherever books are sold, and in addition we’re sending Mr. Pickles an actual phonograph record of Peter Donald telling his story on the air. Now, at this point, Ron Rossen has good shaving news for brush and lather fans.

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WW: Well, here’s a joke now sent in my Mr. Ruben Kaplan of Rochester, Pennsylvania, and this one is on the subject of amusements, something you should be quite conversant with, three old hands at that game. So, Pete, start amusing it and let’s see what happens from there.

PD: Well, this is about a ritzy society lady and she’s doing some social service work so she’s visiting patients in the hospital. So she’s in one ward there and she gets to one bed and this guy is wrapped up like a mummy. He’s got his left ankle strapped to his right ear and he’s got his nose held on with bobby pins and all this stuff. Oh, he’s wrapped up in terrible shape. She said, “Oh, you poor man. You poor man. Did you have an accident?” He looks at her. He says, “What does it look like I had? Quintuplets?” She says, “Well, how did it happen?” He says, “Alright. I’ll tell you.” He says, “Last Thursday, last Thursday I’m working out down by the factory.” He says, “I’m retreading bagels down there.” He says, “Oi, it’s getting so hot.” He says, “I’m putting on the hat and coat.” He says, “I’m going down to Coney Island.” He says, “Is that wonderful? Is that marvellous? I’m taking a smatter plunge in the water. I’m wiggling the toes in the surf.” He says, “Everything’s marvellous. I’m dropping in on Howard Johnson and having a tuttali-fruttali ice cream.” He says,”It’s wonderful. Gorgeous. I’m living. So what happens? All of a sudden I see a sign. It’s a roller coaster. It says ‘Mex’ Meteor.’ So for this I’m crazy. So I go over there.” He says, “I purchase a ticket. Some fellow named Meyer paid for it, but I buy the ticket first.” He says, and then he says, “I get in the little car.” He says, “We go up the old clinkety-clonk.” He says, “At the top of the hill,” he says, “above my head is a sign. So I want to read what’s on the sign.” He says, “Away goes the roller coaster! Hey! Around!” He says, “It’s beautiful. But I want to know what says on the sign. I purchase another ticket. Up the hill, clinkety-clonk.” He says, “I look at the sign. Left the bifyucles at home. I can’t read the sign.” Says, “Got to find out what’s on the sign. Purchase another ticket. I go up, clinkety-clonk the hill.” He says, “This time I’m making a squint on the sign.” Says, “Can’t read the sign.” He says, “This goes on. Now I’m getting peeved.” He says, “I go back six times for the ride.” He says, “The last time,” he says, “I’m determined.” He says, “We get to the top of the hill, clinkety-clonk. I stand up to read the sign. Ping-pang-poong -- I’m in the hospital and killed to pieces.” She said, “Oh, my dear, that’s terrible.” She says, “What did it say on the sign?” He says, “What did it say? It said, ‘Don’t stand up in the car.’”

WW: Well, not only, not only a beautiful 1000 on the Palmolive shave meter, but beautifully told, Peter.

HH: He told it wwell.

JL: He got twenty thousand.

WW: One of the finest renditions of the evening. I’m glad I am not on the panel of three wits right now, believe you me. However, they are. And it’s up to them to see if they can tie that 1000, and Harry Hershfield is going to put his feet in the water.

HH: Following that fits this story perfectly for me too. Popnikov is telling of a certain singer called Stanislavsky. He says, “There was the greatest singer in the history of the world. In the Moscow Imperial Concert Hall I heard him myself. How he sang fortissimo, optimo. Everything he sang like nobody in the world. He sang forty-seven arias this night, and the applause was so great that he had to do thirty-two encores. What a great singer. What a great man.And he died such a beautiful death. He dropped dead.”

WW: Well, Harry, that’s as close as you can come to it. That ties it. 1000 on the Palmolive shave meter. And now suppose we skip over to Senator Ford.

SF: Well, I’m going to toss this one in, Ward. A husband said, to his wife, “Let’s go out and have some fun tonight.” She said, “Fine. If you get in ahead of me, leave the hall light on.” I just tossed that one in, Ward. Got time for another one?

WW: Yeah, sure. Go ahead.

SF: Maybe Joe better tell his first and then…

WW: Alright. We’ll catch Joe first, then.

JL: Two fellows meet. One fellow said, “Where are you coming from?” He said, “I saw a picture.” Said, “What’d you see?” He says, “I saw Duel in the Sun.” He says, “How much?” Says, “A dollar and a half. Did you see it?” He says, “No. I’m going to wait till it gets to my neighborhood.” He says, “What’s your neighborhood?” He says, “In the neighborhood of fifteen cents.”

WW: Not only in the neighborhood but right there at 1000 on the Palmolive shave meter.

JL: Go ahead.

WW: Senator, how about that extra one of yours?

SF: Yeah, I can tell another one.

WW: Not too long?

JL: About the patient?

SF: No, it’s not very long. Joe Fotzengoggle went to one of those, you know, amateur shows. And come two dames out on the stage and they start to sing. One’s in a gray dress. One’s in a blue dress. One of them is one of those mezzanine sopranos, you know. Disappointed. And the other one’s a disappointed contralto. So they go on. They’re off-key and everything, so Joe turns to a stranger sitting alongside him. He says, “That dame in blue is awful.” So the guy says, “That dame in blue happens to be my sister. So he says, “I don’t mean the one in blue. I mean the one in gray.” He says, “The one happens to be my wife.” So Joe, trying to squirm out of it, says, “No, I mean the song.” The guy says, “I wrote it.”

WW: Well, you should have written that one, Senator, because it scored a solid 1000 on the Palmolive shave meter. And now let’s look around. Oh, a perfect round once again tonight, all tying Mr. Kaplan’s 1000 but none topping it. So we send Mr. Kaplan twenty-five dollars with the compliments of Palmolive shave creams plus a 1000 Club certificate, which everyone gets whose joke hits 1000 when told by Peter Donald on the Palmolive shave meter, and in addition we’re sending Mr. Kaplan an actual phonograph record of Peter Donald telling his story on the air.

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WW: Well, fellows, that’s about all the time we’re going to have this evening, so I’d just like to ask those listening to join “Can You Top This?”originated by Senator Ford, next week. Same time, same gang, other jokes, some new, some old. Until then, we remain yours for bigger and better laughs:

SF: Hastings Ford.

HH: Harry Hershfield

JL: Joe Laurie Jr.

PD: Peter Donald.

WW: Ward Wilson

DAN DONALDSON: And Dan Donaldson saying goodnight for Palmolive brushless and Palmolive lather. Palmolive -- the largest-selling brand of shave creams in the world.

ANC: This is NBC, the National Broadcasting Company