CAN YOU TOP THIS?
3 APRIL 1949
MUTUAL BROADCASTING SYSTEM RADIO
Emcee: Ward Wilson
Joke teller: Peter Donald
Panel: Joe Laurie Jr, Harry Hershfield, Senator Ford
(salesmen,vacation, movies, television)
CHARLIE STARK: “Can You Top This?” Listen to another laugh-hour half-hour with “Can You Top This?” presented by the Mutual Broadcasting System and starring Senator Ford.
SENATOR FORD: Good evening.
CS Harry Hershfield.
HARRY HERSHFIELD: Howdy!
CS: Joe Laurie Jr.
JOE LAURIE JR: Hellooo!
CS: And now, here’s your master of ceremonies of “Can You Top This?” Ward Wilson!
WARD WILSON: Thank you, Charlie Stark. “Can You Top This?” is unrehearsed and spontaneous, and our top rule is: keep them laughing. Anyone can send in a joke, and if your joke is told by our storytelling genius, Peter Donald, you get ten dollars. Each of the three wits try to top it with another joke on the same subject. Each time they fail to top you, you get five dollars more, so you have a chance to win as much as twenty-five dollars. But regardless of whether you win ten or twenty-five dollars, you will receive a recording of Peter Donald. Laughs are registered on the “Can You Top This?” laugh meter in full view of the studio audience, and in all cases the decision of our judges is final. All set and raring to go, fellows, I hope, huh?
JL: Ready.
SF: Yeah.
HH: Ready.
SF: Okay.
WW: You said that rather reluctantly.
SF: I said okay, though.
WW: Oh, good. That keeps everything up, open, and above board. Here’s the first joke of the evening, submitted by Evan Lamont Doyle of Louisville, Kentucky, suh, and it’s on the subject of something I know you’ve approached more than once, salesmen. Salesmen. So I hope you make a sale on the first round, Peter Donald.
PETER DONALD: This is about a fellow peacefully reading his paper one afternoon and the doorbell rings and, oh, he throws down his paper and he gets up and he goes to answer the door, opens the door just a little crack. He says, “Alright. What is it?” And there’s a salesman outside. He said, “My dear sir, I’m very…” He slammed the door. Salesman said, “Oh, wait a minute! Just don’t do that to me, sir! I’m going to make you a very happy man. I have an item which will make you very, very happy indeed.” Fellow says, “Listen, buddy. You’re going to make me happy? In the first place I was born on March fifteenth to begin with.” He says, “Brother, I I have corns. I have rheumatism. I have hay fever, flat feet, pink toothbrush, my wife doesn’t love me, my best friends do tell me, and I don’t want your medicine.” Fellow said, “Oh, wait a minute, sir! Wait till I tell you what this will do. This will cure all your ills. It will bring you a host of friends and laughs without reason. One tiny drop of this elixir will make your wife appear beautiful to you, more beautiful than ever.” Fellow says, “Eh, wait a minute, wait a minute, brother. You say one drop out of this bottle will make my wife appear more beautiful than ever?” He says, “That’s what I said!” He said, “Alright, brother. You win. I’ll take two gallons of the stuff right now.”
WW: Don’t look at the microphone, Pete! He’s pulling in the mic there like a fish, and I think he’s one on the other end. As soon as you get to the punchline, Pete, let’s hear it, huh?
JL: He’s looking for one!
WW: That is without a doubt the easiest approach you three wits have had in a long, long time because that recorded exactly ze-hera-ho that time. So anything you get will be in the right direction. Let’s see what happens as Mr. Doyle, or if he were paged in the Lambs Club, Mr Durrel gets as he starts out with a little ten dollars in his little red hot hand and our three wits have hands raised here in profusion. Harry Hershfield’s first.
HH: There’s quite a number of salesman stories. I want to toss one in first as a little throw-in. But it’s a gag that’s going around now about the salesman who was fired because the business was terrible. So they said, “Is it that bad?” He says, “Ha.” Said, “We sold one suit on Monday. Tuesday we sold nothing, and Wednesday was worse even than Tuesday.” Fellow said, “It’s impossible. If you sold nothing on Tuesday, how could it be worse on Wednesday?” He said, “The fellow who bought the suit on Monday brought it back already.” But of course there’s never been any such salesmanship in the history of the world as these “Stop the Music” kind of things, all these giveaway programs. That’s salesmanship because it has a tie-in value. People want to get on the programs, you know, with the questions and things, they also have to buy encyclopedias to look up these things. And so it goes down the line. So this dame, she was going to win one of these big jackpots with all these things on the things so she went out and got every kind of encyclopedia. She went to the library. She says, “I will win everything because I’m going to study night and day. Night and day because no matter what they’ll ask me, I’ll know immediately.” So she studied and studied and finally got bleary-eyed and she comes onto the radio program and she’s staying there waiting and the fellow says, “What’s your name?” She said, “Do you mind repeating the question?”
WW: Harry, I think I had her on “Winner Take All” one time. Incidentally, your…
HH: Final gag.
WW: One was 1000, the other 950, which is still a good punching in any league, believe me. Slightly over Mr. Doyle’s ze-hera-ho. Joe Laurie Jr take it up.
JL: Harry sells with a lot of salesman gags. I’ll tell this one. It’s about this fellow with a big market and a woman comes in. She says, “Give me a can of salmon.” The fellow behind the counter says, “There’s salmon out there. Just help yourself there.” She says, “Now a can of condensed milk.” He says, “There’s some cans of condensed milk out there. Get it. Get it.” Everything she asks, he says, “Go. Get it. Get it.” She says, “Young man, why don’t you come out from behind that counter and wait on me?” He says, “I can’t. I’m saving money.” She says, “How?” He says, “I’m not wearing pants.” Other one I wanted to tell is about Montgomery. He goes to one of those war surplus auctions. You know these. They’re selling this war surplus and this terrific salesman there and he’s banging out and auctioneering, everything. Finally, Montgomery looks around, looks around, finally someone says, “Here’s a chance for you, gentlemen, here. You especially, look. A five hundred pound bag. Originally cost the government five thousand dollars. What am I bid?” “I’ll give you fifty dollars.” He says, “Sold!” So Montgomery gets the bag. He says, “It’s a bargain. Originally cost five thousand?” He says, “Yeah.” “Fifty dollars,” he says, “What’s in it?” He says, “Rough on Rats” So he brings it home. So he brings it home to his wife. Says, “Chucha, I bought a bargain today. “What’d you buy” she says. “Five hundred pounds, worth five hundred dollars. I paid fifty dollars for it. She says, “What is it?” He says, “Rough on Rats.” She says, “But we ain’t got any rats.” He says, “Can’t we get some?”
WW: Brilliantly successful joke. Two 1000s on the “Can You Top This?” laugh meter that time.
JL: Now you really like that one of Pete’s all about the elixir.
WW: Well, Senator, I see you rubbing your nose, there, or something. Is that sunburn or just…?
SF: No.
WW: No?
SF: No, I’ve been sitting here trying to figure out how I could do that one about the farmer’s daughter.
WW: I can see why you might have…
SF: Anyway, I forgot about it. I won’t do that one. I could tell the one about little Arthur Bopenpickle was sitting on the front stoop and a salesman came along and he said, “Hello, little man. Is your mother home?” Arthur said, “Yeah, she’s home. She’s been home all afternoon. She was home this morning. She’s still home. She’s home. She’s home.” He says, “Alright.” So he rings the doorbell. No answer. So he uses the knocker. No answer. Then he bangs on the door. No answer. Says, “Hey, kid. I thought you said your mother was home.” He said, “She is, but we don’t live here.”
SF: Hey, you know, for sustaining that’s pretty good!
WW: I think that’s not only pretty good, that’s very good.
HH: Very good indeed. That applause will sustain him for a year!
WW: Another 1000 on the “Can You Top This?” laugh meter, all of you three guys really in rare form, all slightly topping Mr. Doyle’s zero. So we send him ten dollars with our compliments. Also a phonograph recording of Peter Donald telling his story on the air.
PD: He’ll love it. Gee whiz. The ten isn’t low enough, huh?
WW: And also a copy of the Cream of the Crop joke book, which he can use, which is written by our three wits and now on sale wherever books are sold. Cheer up, old man, we’ll give you a fresh start. Here’s another joke, submitted by Mrs. Verna Bezung of Rahway, New Jersey, and it’s on the subject of something we’d all like to take once in a while: vacation. Vacation. So, Pete, cruise around with this one for a while.
PD: Yeah, this is about a city fellow who wanted to take a vacation and he wanted to go to the country, but he didn’t want to go anywhere that was too rustic. He didn’t want to rough it in some broken down joint. He was looking through all the ads to find a nice place and finally he says to his friend, he says, “Hey. Wait a minute.” He says, “Here’s the very things I’ve been looking for.” He says, “Good home-cooked meals. American plan, with country butter, dairy products, newly-decorated rooms and running water.” He says, “That’s it. Come on up with me and we’ll have a great time.” So they packed their bags and off they go to this ye olde farmhouse up probably a little out of New York and they’re met by a rural gentleman. And he says, “Well,” he says, “Howdy, gentlemen.” He says, “Come right in. I’ll show you to your room. Never mind the sign on the register. I can’t read anyhow.” So he takes them up to a large bedroom. Kind of an airy place. Got two big beds, a handmaid’s rug on the floor, and in the corner is an old-fashioned washstand with a pitcher and a bowl. So he says, “Well, there she be, fellows. This is your room. That’s sixteen dollars a day, not including meals.” Fellow said, “Wait a minute. No meals?” He said, “Your ad said it was American plan.” “Well,” he says, “I’m an American. This is the way I plan it. That’s all. That’s the room. That’s all.” Guy says, “Well, wait a minute.” He says, “I don’t mind the meals, but” he said, “I want some convenience here.” He said, “You said in your ad you had running water.” He says, “If there’s running water,” he says, “What’s that bowl and pitcher doing over on the stand?” “Well,” he says, “Now, you’re right. You’re right. Now, the ad did say running water. And so if you’ll just step over to the window and whistle, pretty soon you’ll see my wife come a-running with the pail.”
SF: The two gallons of it.
WW: The elixir again. Seven hundred and five oh on the “Can You Top This?” laugh meter that time, Pete, which is a great improvement as a matter of fact, but Mrs. Bezung starts off with ten dollars in the first place. Once again our three wits have plenty of latitude around here. Possibly a little longitude too. Mentioning latitude and no longitude, Joe Laurie Jr.
JL: I know you’d tell him. Well, Harry told about the quiz programs. This one is for free, Ward. This doesn’t count. About the fellow going on this terrific quiz program. Oh, they gave away thousands of dollars and all kinds of things. Travel trips and everything. And finally the guy answers the last question and they say “You win the grand prize!” and he drops dead. And that’s it. Right on the stage. So they sent his body to Bermuda for three weeks. The one I want to tell is this fellow goes to this goofy house. He’s visiting there, and the doctor shows him around and he sees a fellow sitting there in a room and he says, “What’s the matter?” He says, “Oh, I’m a terrible case. Terrible case.” “Well, that’s sad.” “Oh, yes. Terrible case.””Well, what happened?” Says, “Well, it seems this fellow went on a vacation up the Catskill Mountains. There was a girl. He met a girl there and they became… They got to like each other very much and they became engaged, and had the wedding set, and the day of the wedding she left him. Didn’t get married. Ran away. Ran away. He sits like that all day. Like that. Terrible, terrible case.” He says, “Come on. I’ll show you some other cases.” So they pass another case. He says, “What’s that little bar there?” He says, “Oh, that’s the padded cell. That’s the padded cell. Look in through that window.” So he looks in. He sees a guy banging his head, banging his head against the wall. He says, “What’s the matter with him? What kind of a case?” He says, “That’s the guy that married the girl.”
WW: I suppose I’m supposed to assume that he was on the vacation.
JL: No, they were off to the Catskill Mountains for vacation!
WW: Well, I’m glad they got that far!
JL: It’s all my bread. Hope I didn’t touch him for the rest of it.
WW: Well, he got 900 on the preface and 1000 on the “Can You Top This? Laugh meter.
JL: That’s the one that counts.
WW: That’s the big one, Joe, I know.
JL: I’ll send your body away to Bermuda for that.
WW: Good. It’s a deal. Senator, I think your hand was raised second.
SF: Well, talking… Yeah, I guess it was. I think it… Talking about vacations, you know that referee and that judge that gave that fight to LaMotta the other night? They’re on vacation too. A good long one. The funny part of it is one of those fellows is an optician. You can make your own joke on that one. He ought to have his own eyes tested. Well, anyway, this is about…
JL: That the joke?
SF: No, that’s just an observation. That has…
HH: I’ve been waiting to get through for something like that.
SF: Oh, you have, huh?
HH: On that subject.
SF: Can’t wait till I get through? Well, this one is about Dopey Dildock up in my home town. He was sitting in the grocery store one day and he said, “You know what I’m going to do, fellows? I’m going to spend me whole week’s vacation in that haunted house over at Booth Creek. I’m going to prove it ain’t haunted at all.” So he goes away and the next day he’s back in the grocery store. And then the fellow says, “What’s the matter? I thought you were going spend your vacation over in the haunted house.” He says, “Oh boy.” He said, “I had a narrow escape last night.” He said, “In the middle of the night I woke up and I seen a ghost and I took me shotgun and I fired, and I lit the light, and I had shot me shirt that was hanging on the wall.” So the other fellow said, ‘Well, what made that a narrow escape?” So Dopey said, “Suppose I hadn’t taken me shirt off!”
WW: That was six…
SF: I like them and we’ll ask them.
WW: That was 650 on the “Can You Top This?” laugh meter, Senator. Just one hundred under Mrs. Bezung, so she’s up to fifteen dollars now. She’s making slow but steady progress. And let’s get over to Harry and see what he was thinking about after…
HH: Yeah. Did you say that the optician was the referee?
SF: No, the judge.
HH: The judge. He was… Because I heard the other night: the rarest thing in the world is what? A blind nudist.
SF: I don’t know what that’s got to do with the fight, but…
HH: Subject of vacations. George Feinberg of that concern Daizian’s, told me one of the goofiest stories. There was a husband always going on vacation. Always going on vacation, leaving his wife alone, all by herself. And she was burning up over this all the time. She could do nothing about it.She was thinking of divorce. And finally he says, “Now I’m going on vacation. But you know where I’m going this time? I’m going to hunt for tigers in the jungle. Dangerous tigers. That’s for my vacation. I’ll be away for six months.” Says, “Go ahead. Go ahead. I’ll go to court.” So she goes to court. Says, “I want a divorce. My husband’s so-and-so. He takes vacations all the time. He now left for the jungles and he’s going there to hunt tigers and I want a divorce.” Judge says,”What kind of a divorce?” She says, “Judge, I want him to leave me as he found me.” Says, “What do you mean, leave you as he found you?” She says, “He found me a widow, and that’s where I want him to leave me! A widow!” Not so good.
WW: No. I think you’d have done better with Amos Friedlander, I think.
HH: Yeah.
WW: Anyway, it did get 600 on the “Can You Top This?” laugh meter, Harry. Not quite enough to get up to Mrs. Bezung’s 750, but that raises the ante to twenty dollars, which is the final payoff to her, plus a phonograph recording of Peter Donald telling her story on the air, and a copy of the new joke book Cream of the Crop, written by our three wits and now on sale wherever books are sold. Relax for a moment now, fellows, because here’s an important message from Charles Stark.
CS: Before Red Cross Month is over, make sure you’ve done your part to ensure that the vital services of this nationwide, worldwide organization can be carried on in all the months of 1949. The Red Cross campaign to rise 60 million dollars is the one and only time that you are asked to make your contribution to this vital Red Cross work which goes on all year round. Remember the six major services of the Red Cross: aiding in disaster, serving the armed forces, service of veterans, promoting health and safety, service to youth, and service around the world. Remember than more than one and a half million veterans benefited from Red Cross aid last year -- aid that amounted to more than five and half million dollars in money expenditures alone, and the Red Cross national blood program, incorporating 400 chapters serving 700 hospitals, Red Cross education and first aid, water safety and accident prevention, courses completed by more than 17 million people. And perhaps most of all, you’ll remember Red Cross aid in disaster-stricken areas, be it flood, fire, tornado, or explosions, whenever disaster strikes and a community which might be your own needs aid urgently, Red Cross workers and Red Cross supplies are there on the scene within minutes or hours, and they stay on the scene so long as people need help. But it doesn’t take a sales talk to sell you on the Red Cross. The emblem is known in every state and in every country of the world, and everywhere it stands for man’s humanity to man, and to the organization which is dedicated to making this a longer and a better life for all mankind. That’s why you’ll be proud to make your contribution generous.
WW: Well spoken, Charlie, and I’m sure the response will be most generous. [gap in recording] Mrs. A. Gordon of the Bronx, New York, and it’s on the subject of something you must have seen recently, I just left Kirk Douglas at a little party: movies. Movies. So, Pete, make with the flickers.
PD: There were two Brooklyn girls leaving the movies and one turns to the other. She says, “Listen, dopey. Before we went to the movies tonight, when you called for me, didn’t say say they had a real snazzy picture at the movie show that had a happy ending?” Other one said, “Yeah. That’s what I said.” She said, “Well, you mean to be walking right here next to me and you say that that crummy picture we just seen had a happy ending? First of all, what happens? Killings, murders, electrocutions, and Peter Lorre stabs Sidney Greentree and everybody gets all excited and Jump Gocart comes out and shoots everybody, and I don’t mind that so much, but at the end of the picture, what happened? The hero jump off a bridge with the heroine, and the villain takes poison and then he breathes on all the extras and they drop dead. Even the dog takes an overdose of flea powder. Everybody’s killed.” She says, “My goodness sakes. This is what you call a picture with a happy ending? How come?” The other one said, “Listen. Don’t get excited. Don’t get so jerky. Of course the picture had a happy ending. Because I was very, very happy when the whole thing ended!”
WW: Stand right through, there, that time, Peter, for a happy 1000 on the “Can You Top This?” laugh meter. Puts you back in business again and puts three guys out of business automatically, because no matter how good they are, it won’t be good enough. We have three hands up, brave souls, and stalwart men. Harry, suppose we start with you again?
HH: You know Joe Frisco. You’ve all heard of him. He’s one of the great comedians of all time, but he stutters. And he makes capital out of it too. So Danny Foy, a friend of his out in California and wanted to put him in a movie, thought he had to go into movies. And Frisco, he showed him this play, and he says, “Frisco, you read it. Read it out loud. See if you like the play. So you see if you’ll fit into this.” So Frisco began to read it. So he read the girl’s part first. He said, “Bu- but, Papa! I- I- I- wa- want to marry Si- Si- Sir Oliver. I- I must mmmaryy him.” Then he read the father’s part and said, “Y- you c- can’t marry my daughter. I won’t have… Sir Oliver in the house. I won’t have… Sir Oliver in the house.” Then he read Sir Oliver’s part. He said, “I- I want to marry your daughter. I- I love her. I’ll…run away with her. Or I’ll k- k- kill myself.” And after he did that all through the play, Foy says to him, “How do you like it?” He says, “I don’t like it. All the characters speak the same way!”
WW: 850 stuttering on, Harry, on the “Can You Top This?” laugh meter. Better go back to Joe’s racetrack routine. Joe Laurie Jr, let’s move from left to right.
JL: This is for free. This is thrown in because Mickey Alpert, the great emcee told me this the other day. It fits perfectly. He was telling me about Maylord Dwyer. They’re going to make a picture of his business here now with the telephone. You know, with all that business. They’re going to make a picture and they’re going to steal our title. They’re going to call it “Can You Tap This?” It’s for free! What do you want? The one I want to tell is: Montgomery goes into a picture house with a friend of his and they get down front. Then they see this Hedy Lamarr picture, and through the picture every once in a while Montgomery says, “Hedy Lamarr! Lemonade!” Everybody looks. “Shh! Quiet.” Every once in a while he says, “Hedy Lamarr! Lemonade!” And finally his friend says, “What’s the matter with you, Montgomery? For goodness’ sake, what are you hollering ‘Hedy Lamarr?’” He says, “Oh, I’m crazy about her.I’m crazy about her. I go to see every time she’s in. It drives me nuts!” Guy says, “Alright then. Why are you hollering ‘lemonade?’” He says, “I’m thirsty too!”
WW: Joe, if you were thirty for a thousand you quenched your thirst right then and there. That’s what it was on the “Can You Top This?” laugh meter. That ties Mrs. Gordon but doesn’t top her. Senator, I think you’re next and last in this round.
SF: Well, this is a story. I don’t know whether I read it or heard it someplace. About these two elderly spinsters are getting ready to retire for the night. So one of them takes a picture of Van Heflin out from under her pillow and kisses the photograph. And the other one says, “You know, you’re a funny girl, Mable.” Said, “Now it’s Van Heflin. Two weeks ago it was Van Johnson. Before that it was Humphrey Bogart. Before that it was Walter Pidgeon. A long time ago it was John Bunny.” Says, “You know, you’re a very fickle girl.” So the other old maid says, “Yes, I guess you’re right. But one of these days I’m going to find a picture of an actor I really love and then I’m going to settle down.” Put two gallons, and… Put two gallons because I’m thirsty too!
WW: You just beat out the elixir by 50 points. Somebody snickered in the second row. Well, the glad tidings are we send Mrs. Gordon twenty-five dollars for her effort, a phonograph record of Pete Donald telling her story on the air, and a copy of the new joke book Cream of the Crop. Now let’s go again Here’s a joke submitted by H. G. Roswell. Rossell rather -- R O double S E double L -- of Chicago, Illinois, and it’s on the subject of something we should fall into ere long, I trust: television. So, Pete, give is a screening, will you?
PD: It seems that Mrs. Fafufnik talked her husband into buying a television set , and the day it arrived she’s all excited and she calls up her neighbor Mrs. Teitelbaum on the phone, and she says, “Ohh!” She says, “Heliotrope!” She says, “This is Daphne speaking. Would you please come down to my apartment right away and I got video!” The woman says, “Dolly, you got vateo?” She says, “Yes, I got video!” She says, “Well, take an Alka-Seltzer. You’ll feel better.” She says, “No, no, hon. You don’t understand.” She says, “Abe’s gotten a television set. So you’ll get all the girls and you’ll come down to my apartment. You’ll come the wrestler will wrestle. We’ll have a big set evening.” So all the neighbors, all the wives come down. The usual remarks, you know. And everybody felt very excited. Mrs. Fafufnik said, “Everybody, we’ll turn on the pictures, sit down on the chairs, we’ll look at, we’ll see the show. We’ll have a good time.” So they’re all sitting there watching this thing and, oh, they’ve got the whole evening going there. First a show with Milton Berle, then a movie with Milton Sills and it keeps going like that all evening. And the husband comes home from work. He says, “Hello.” Nobody talks to him. They’re looking on the television. He says, “When is supper?” No supper. Everybody’s looking at the television. This goes on all evening. The room is jammed with people looking at the television. He gets no supper. He’s sitting there and finally the show is over and everybody’s going out and Mrs. Teitelbaum turns around to her hostess and she says, “Oi, Dolly,” she says, “That was a wonderful evening. That was gorgeous.” She says, “Mr. Fafufnik,” she says, “Tell me. What are we having tomorrow night?” He says, “What are we having tomorrow night?” He says, “My dear lady, for your information, for your information, we are having the front door locked!”
WW: That one strikes home, Pete, and it struck home for you too. One thousand on the “Can You Top This?” laugh meter, and automatic twenty-five for Mr. Rossell, so let’s see what you can do about it, fellows, starting with Joe Laurie Jr.
JL: Well, this is a fellow says, he says, “Have you got a television set right now?” He says, “Ah, tele… Have I got a television set? Wonderful!” He says,”Wonderful. A television set is a television set.” He says, “Ehhh, that’s different.” He says, “What’s so different? What’s so different?” He says, “You know I sit in front of the television. It’s a pleasure.” And he says, “You know, when I close my eyes, I could swear I’m listening to a radio!”
WW: Well, whoever’s listening to one now, tell them you got 700 on the “Can You Top This?” laugh meter, Joe. Harry Hershfield?
HH: I think this is a new one on television. The game itself is new. Woman gets a television set and she tells the neighbor -- the woman neighbor -- she says, “Oh have we got a set? Oh, is this marvellous? Television is the most wonderful thing.” She said, “It’s made my husband a changed man. He’s home every night. I’m telling you he’s a changed man with his television. Come down. See the television tonight.” So this woman comes down. They put all the lights out, they put on the television and they watch for two hours, and finally the lights go on at the finish, and she says to the woman, “Wasn’t it exactly like a moving picture theater?” She says, “Yes, especially when your husband pinched me!”
WW: Very neatly done, Harry. Another 1000 on the “Can You Top This?” laugh meter, making it a tie with Mr. Rossell but not stopping him
JL: Swell gag too.
SF: Yeah.
WW: Senator, how about you?
SF: I don’t think mine’s as good as that. This is another one about Dopey Dildock. He goes to a neighbor’s next door and he’s sitting there a while. He goes into another room. He stays about an hour and he comes out and the host says, “Where were you?” He said, “I was watching the television set.” He says, “Oh, boy. Is there a storm someplace! The waves are flaying around the churning rock-bound coast. Oh, there’s a storm - a terrible storm!” He said, “What are you talking about, a television?” He says, “In that room,” he says, “you dope, you were looking at a Bendix washing machine.”
WW: To remind us tear up the time, Senator, I won’t mention the brand, however. That was a 1000. Again you topped this laugh meter, and since none of our three wits were able to top Mr. Rossell we send him twenty-five dollars, a phonograph recording of Pete Donald telling his story on the air, and a copy of the new joke book Cream of the Crop, written by our three wits. That ends another laugh session of “Can You Top This?” originated by Senator Ford. Join us again next week. Same time, same gang, other jokes, some new, some old. Until then, we remain yours for bigger and better laughs.
SF: Senator Ford.
HH: Harry Hershfield.
JL: Joe Laurie Jr.
PD: Peter Donald.
WW: Ward Wilson
CS: And Charles Stark, inviting you to listen in again next Wednesday night for a half hour of laughs with “Can You Top This?”
ANNOUNCER: The preceding program was transcribed from an earlier release on Eastern Mutual. This is the Mutual Don Lee Broadcasting System.