CAN YOU TOP THIS?

14 MAY 1954

NBC RADIO

Emcee: Roger Bower

Joke teller: Peter Donald

Panel: Senator Ford, Harry Hershfield, Ward Wilson

(gossip, money, husbands, clothes)

JACK COSTELLO: “Can You Top This?” Welcome to another laugh session with “Can You Top This?” presented every week at this time by the National Broadcasting Company, and starring Harry Hershfield.

HARRY HERSHFIELD: Howdy.

JC: Ward Wilson

WARD WILSON: Hello.

JC: Senator Ford

SENATOR FORD: Good evening.

JC: And now, transcribed, here is your master of ceremonies for “Can You Top This?” Roger Bower.

ROGER BOWER: Thank you, Jack Costello. “Can You Top This?” is unrehearsed and spontaneous, and our top rule is to keep them laughing. Everybody is invited to send in a joke, and if your story is told by our master storyteller Peter Donald, you start with twenty-five dollars. Each time a wit ties or tops you, you lose five dollars. In addition, if you top all of our wits, you will receive a recording of Peter Donald telling your story on the air. Laughs are registered on the “Can You Top This?” laugh meter in full view of our studio audience, and in all cases the decision of our judges is final. Well, gentlemen of the panel, the laugh meter’s ready. Charley Grey, our engineer is ready. Pete now is ready. The question now is, are you ready?

HH: Ready.

WW: Ready.

SF: Ready.

RB: Oh, that’s a fine opening start. We’ll get right underway. The first contributor to test our laugh meter tonight is Bob L. Cheek of Sun Brown, Texas. His subject is gossip, gentlemen. Gossip. Pete, will you work up a case for Mr. Cheek on that laugh meter?

PETER DONALD: Yeah, I sure will try for Sun Brown, Texas. Well, it seems that this little guy, Ajax Cassidy himself, he’s having a little refreshment down at the corner in this Pierre Murphy’s salon de booze down there, and he stands and all of a sudden his old pal Mike O’Houlihan comes in. And Mike says, “Ajax, me boy, it’s fine to see you. Aye, you’re looking grand, I must say.” He says, “Tell me what’s the latest news around the neighborhood.” He says, “Don’t you  know? Didn’t you hear?” Well, he says, “Flannigan bought his wife a vacu-um cleaner.” He says, “A vacu-um cleaner? What in the world is that?” He says, “That’s the way to spell it. It’s a vacu-um cleaner and it’s a queer-looking beast. It’s got a big snout and one end and a long tail at the other and you stick its tail in the wall and POOF it takes all the dirt of that there may well be there.” Well, he said, “That sounds like a mar-velious invention.” He said, “How dos Mrs. Flanagan like this vacu-um cleaner.” Well,”She says,” he says, “She says that it’s at least seven times better than a broom.” He said, “Seven times better? How would she figure out that it was exactly seven times better?” He says, “I’ll tell you.” He says, “The other night, Flanagan was out pretty late and he come home filled up with liquid enthusiasm, and they had a little argument, and his wife hit him with the vacu-um cleaner, and she knocked him seven times further than she used to do with the broom!”

RB: Ah, you knocked it right to the top, Pete. One thousand on the laugh meter. So here’s the way we start, fellows, Mr. Cheek leads off with twenty-five dollars and 1000 on the laugh meter. Who wants to be the first to cut down that lead? Any hands up there? Harry Hershfield had his hand up first.

HH: Well, Pete spoke about Mrs. Flanagan. I could talk about Mrs. Goldberg. Mrs. Goldberg’s a very fine woman, in the faith. And her boy was growing up, and she wanted him to marry in the faith. She felt he should, like every people that want them. But she’s heard gossips that he was running around with this girl and that girl, and she wasn’t sure that she was of her faith. And the more they asked her the more he wouldn’t tell her, and she was distracted. She was gone wild. Would he marry in the faith? Oh, that was the most important. Would he marry in the faith? One day she had to send his clothes down to the tailor. So she was taking the stuff out of his clothes and she was taking out the articles. Out fell a lipstick said Helena Rubenstein. She said, “That’s fine. She’s one of us.”

RB: And you were right. It is fine. That’s the top of the laugh meter . You have tied Mr. Cheek’s 1000.

SF: Mr. Chairman, Mr. Chairman.

WW: Point of order. Point of order.

SF: Mr.Chairman, point of order.

RB: Yes, Mr.. Senator. Senator from…

SF: The last… Just a moment please, Mr. Chairman. Let me finish. The last witness. The last witness started with irrelevant and immaterial, and I suggest that it be stricken from the record.

RB: I think you have 800 people who don’t want it stricken there, so…

SF: I have 9000 Jenkins butting in on me. Well, did you want me to talk?

RB: Well, I’d like to hear you talk if I could just give the score here.

SFL Now I was thinking this… Oh.

RB: Mr. Cheek was tied by Mr. Hershfield and so in that case we chop away five dollars. Now that’s twenty dollars, and now, Senator?

SF: There was a lawyer who subpoenaed a young fellow as his principal witness, and the kid had hardly gotten into the witness chair when the shyster lawyer started firing questions at him, and he said, “Have you any occupation?” Kid said, “What?” Said, “Have you any occupation?” He said, “Have you any job?” He said, “No.” Said, “Has your father any occupation?” He said, “Nope?” He said, “Who supports your family?” Says, “Nobody.” Says, “You mean to tell me that your father don’t support the family?” He says, “Nope.” He says, “Well, then, according to what I’ve heard, you father’s a no-good, lazy bum, isn’t he?” He says, “Well, ask himself,” he said, “He’s the foreman of the jury.”

RB: And the answer came back 1000 on the laugh meter, Senator.

SF: Yeah, well, the answer was that the lawyer lost the case.

RB: I see. Well, I’m not going into the legal aspect of it, just what’s on our laugh meter. And you tied Mr. Cheek’s 1000, chop him another five dollars, he has fifteen dollars, and we have Ward Wilson.

WW: Roger, I was thinking about one of the three little gals who were shooting the breeze up on the porch in one of these summer resort hotels and each trying to outdo the other in the gossip department, talking about this and that. And they finally got around to their eldest children and their experiences in the war, and this one dame said, “Well, I just had a word from my son. He’s out at Fort Ord, and I’m very happy to know from his letter that he has just received his majority.” So the second one looks at her, and she said, “Well, isn’t that strange?” Said, “I just received a message from my son. He’s down in Texas, and he has just received his lieutenancy. Isn’t that wonderful?” And they looked at the third woman. She said nothing. They said, “Mrs. Cohen, don’t you have anything to say on the subject?” She says, “Yes, incidentally, I do. I had letter last week from Sammy, and I’m very happy to tell you that he’s still enjoying his privacy!”

RB: And you are enjoying 1000 on the “Can You Top This?” laugh meter. You also tied Mr. Bob L. Cheek. That is a perfect round, gentlemen, as my tote board shows that all three of you have tied Mr. Cheek, and so he received, with our very best wishes, ten dollars. And let’s see if you can do as well in this next round.Mrs. Donald Clark makes the next bid for top money. She lives in North Lake, Illinois, and the subject is money, gentlemen. Money.

HH: That’s some subject.

RB: Always a welcome one, I’m sure, Harry. Pete, would you pay off Mrs. Clark on our laugh meter, please?

PD: Yeah. This is about a little boy and he asks his dad. He says, “Hey, pop. Can I please have a penny?” The father said, “You know, son, you’ve been asking me for pennies all week long. What do you do with all these pennies?” Well, he says, “Gee, pop. I put them in the chewing gum machine.” He said, “In the chewing gum machine? You know, my boy, suppose I give you a penny every time you ask for it, instead of putting it in the gum machine, you just put it in your pocket and save it? And every day daddy will give you a penny, and every day you’ll save a penny in your little pocket. And after a while it will be a hundred days and you’ll have a hundred pennies in your pocket. And do you know what that means?” The kid says, “Yeah. It means my pants will be dragging on the ground.”

RB: Well, you dragged off 800 on the laugh meter there, Pete, for Mrs. Donald Clark.So there you are, men. Mrs. Clark’s story rated 800 on the laugh meter and will be credited with twenty-five dollars. Who wants to be the first to alter that picture? All three hands up, hey?

SF: This is a subject we know something about.

RB: In that case, Senator, we’ll let you go first.

SF: Oh. There was a teacher of surgery and medicine who was conducting a class, and he said to one of the students, “If you were called in to administer to a man who had swallowed a coin, what would be your procedure?” And he said, “If I was called in to do something about a guy who had swallowed a coin,” he said, “I would get a member of the Income Tax Department because those guys can get money out of anybody." Up in my hometown there was a…Dopey Dildock, who was the San Juan of Southold, he runs into Arthie Bopp, and he says, “Hey Arthie, I had a girl out last night and spent a dollar on her.” Arthie says, “Is that all?” He says, “That’s all she had!”

RB: And all you got was 1000 on the laugh meter, Senator. You topped Mrs. Clark’s 800. Any other hands there, fellows? Ward Wilson, how about you?

WW: Along money lines, one of my favorites, I think. I don’t know whether I’ve told it before on this show or not, but if I have I think it bears repetition. About this bartender who got a job over in a bar on the West Side, and his first day on the job around five o’clock this big Irishman came in and he said, “Give me a shot of whiskey.” So he set it up and the guy drank it and he said, “So long.” The bartender looked at him. He says, “Wait a minute.” He says, “How about the money for that drink?” Says, “What are you talking about? Money for the drink?” He says, “I paid you just when I came in and ordered a drink.” He says, “Well, I’m sorry. I overlooked it.” So the next night another Irishman comes in and orders a drink, drinks it down, starts to walk out, and this guy says, “Wait a minute there.” He says, “How about the money for the drink?” He says, “What are you talking about? You gave me the change from a five dollar bill there. Are you crazy or out of your mind or something?” And he says, “Well, maybe I am. I don’t know.” So this went on for about four or five days. This guy is really getting ready to flip his wig. He’s going out of his mind with these cases. So about the sixth day this little guy came in. He says, “May I have a glass of beer, please?” So the guy gives him the glass of beer and he starts mumbling to himself. He says, “Of all the joints I ever worked in in my life,” he says, “Five nights in a row some guy has come in here, ordered a drink of whiskey, thrown it down his gullet, walked out, I ask him for the money, he says, ‘I paid you before I got the drink, I paid you when I got the drink, I gave you the change back.’ All these cock and bull stories. Can you beat it?” Little guy looked at him. He says. “Never mind with the anecdotes. Give me my change please.”

RB: Well, you got no change. You got the same as Senator Ford -- 1000 on the laugh meter. You also topped Mrs. Clark’s 800 and so we chop away five dollars. She now has fifteen dollars. And Harry Hershfield, how about you?

HH: Well, there’s a famous Wall Street story about these two fellows from uptown. And one says, “I’ll bet I can get in to see John Pierpont Morgan in his office, and if I’ll talk to him, he’ll give me a big loan.” So the fellow said, “I’ll go along with you.” Fellow says, “You stay outside. I’ll go in and get John Pierpont Morgan.” So he comes in there and a very austere gentleman says, “Who do you wish to see?” He says, “John Pierpont Morgan.” “Oh,” he says, “Yes. Just go straight down the hall. Turn to the left. You’ll see a room called 1A. Go in there.” So he goes down there, goes in 1A, and there’s another fellow there. He said, “Mr. Morgan you wish to see?” He says, “Yes.” He said, “Turn right again, and then a little left and you come to another room, 8A.” So he goes in there, he comes in there. Another fellow is there. He said, “Mr. Morgan I would imagine you wish to see?” He said, “Yes.” He said, “Go to the left again. Go up one flight. Go in another entry. Go to a place and go down the stairs and you’ll come to a room called ‘Private.’” So he goes up there and goes in the room called “Private” and he finds himself out in the street facing Julius again. So Julius said, “Did you see Morgan?” He says, “No. But, oi, have they got a system!”

RB: And you have too, Harry. You also got 1000 on the laugh meter. It was a perfect round for you three wits but not so perfect for Mrs. Clark because inasmuch as all three of you wits topped her 800 we send her, with our very best wishes, ten dollars. Our “Can You Top This?” contest moves along with a joke from Denver, Colorado. It was sent in by Gerald Nolan. And Mr. Nolan’s subject should be a cinch for you three longtime benedicts. Husbands, gentlemen. Husbands.

WW: Benedicts, he called us.

SF: Eggs benedicts.

RB: Pete, would you enter Mr. Nolan’s joke in the last stage, please?

PD: This husband went out playing cards with the boys, and it got a little late, and he’s trying to sneak in without letting the misses know he’s coming home. And he just gets the key in the door, just barely gets it open, going to tiptoe upstairs, and she calls out. She says, “John! That you?” He says, “Yes, honey, it’s me.” She says, “It’s a fine time to be getting in! What time is it anyway?” He says, “Baby, it’s just near eleven o’clock.” With that, the clock on the wall strikes two. So she lays into him for not only coming in late but lying to her, and here it’s two o’clock and doesn’t he know that he should have been in before ten? And all of a sudden, he starts to cry. So his wife says, “What’s the matter, dear? Did your hurt yourself? What are you crying about?” He says, “I’m just crying because you hurt my feelings. Just imagine what I’m thinking.” He says, “After twenty years of married life, you’d rather believe than old clock than your own husband!”

RB: Well, you got an ever-loving 1000 for Joe Nolan out there in Denver, Pete. That’s what the meter says. And again three hands and Senator Ford looks pretty eager.

SF: This is about the Toupergills, Mr. and Mrs. Toupergills. They’ve been married for about ten years, and they were having their usual daily argument, and she began to snivel and said, “Hm. I can remember when you asked me to say the word that would make you the happiest man in the world.” He said, “Yes, but you said the wrong word!” And then she began to cry. She said, “I bet if I died tomorrow, you would get married the next day.” He said. I would not. I’d take a rest first.” You know, I’m not very good at these husband jokes. I ought to be.

RB: I don’t know about that. You got a very restful 750 there.

SF: That’s restful. That’s good.

RB: It wasn’t enough to tie Mr. Nolan’s 1000.

SF: I’ve been a husband too long to get into this.

RB: It’s not funny anymore. Is that it, eh? Well, anyhow, he still retains the…

SF: Hey, don’t you go putting words in my mouth! You know, that gal I’ve been married to or harnessed to for forty-five years is probably listening in. Alright. On with the show.

RB: Let’s just forget the whole thing, eh? Yes, she still has a firm grip.. Or he has, rather, a firm grip on the twenty-five dollars and we have Harry Hershfield next.

HH: The famous story. There’s the husband always drinking. And at parties he’s the only one that gets drunk. And his wife says to some of his friends, “Why don’t you do something? When he’s the only one that gets inebriated, frighten him some way. Do something. Let him get a lesson.” So he gets stewed that night. And they got a great idea. They took him to the cemetery, laid him out on the grave, and they figured when he’d wake up in the morning he’d get frightened in the cemetery. Maybe the lesson -- a shock to him. So they put him on this grave and in the morning when the sun starts shining on him, he opened his eyes. He says, he sees the cemetery, he says, “If I’m alive, what I am I doing here? And if I’m dead, why have I got such a lousy taste in my mouth?”

RB: Hey, the masses are laughing. You had good taste. That was 1000, Harry.

SF: If Harry had told that gag ahead of me, I’d have had a better one that you reminded me of. Alright then. Ward. He’s the only one of us they have to go along with.

RB: Well, you tied Mr. Nolan’s 1000 so we chop away five dollars, give him twenty dollars, and, Ward, go ahead.

WW: Well, hearing these inebriate gags, I’ll throw one in too. It’s real quick. This isn’t the story I thought of. It’s about the guy that comes home with a real loaded board and he gets in an awful wrangle with his wife and they keep patting it back and forth and finally he says, “Let me tell you something. You’re homely!” She says, “Is that so? Well, let me tell you something. You’re drunk!” He says, “Well, I’ll be sober in the morning!”

RB: Well, you knocked up 1000 on the laugh meter there, Ward.

WW: Well, the original… Can I get the story in that I meant to tell in the first place?

RB: Surely. Go ahead.

WW: Alright. Well, this is about a GI who was in boot training and he’d been in a few weeks and decided -- I saw some of the gals and boys in uniform out here in the audience; it reminded me of it -- he decided he wanted a weekend pass. So he went to the CO and he said, “Sir, I would like to have a weekend pass.” He said, “What for?” He said, “Well, my wife is very upset. We’re expecting any time and she’s a very nervous type and she looks forward to me coming home on weekends and I haven’t been able to do it for many weeks, and I promised her I would and I would like to have a pass, sir.” He says, “A pass is denied you, sir, because I happened to have a telephone call from your wife this morning saying that you had been home before, that you’re a troublemaker, that you get drunk when you’re home, you make her extremely nervous, and jeopardize her condition.” He says, “Yes, sir.” He started out the door and he says, “Pardon me, sir.” He said, “May I forget that I’m in uniform and that you are? That you’re not a major and that I’m not a private? Just talk man to man?” He says, “Of course you can.” He says, “We’re a couple of pretty good liars, you know. I ain’t even got a wife!”

RB: You got yourself another thousand on the laugh meter, Ward. And you tied Mr. Nolan twice and inasmuch as two of you has tied Mr. Nolan’s 1000, we send him, with our very best wishes, fifteen dollars. Well, if we look at my clock, I think if we move along here, fellows, we can squeeze in an extra… another round. Next contribution comes from a nice lady in Brooklyn. Her name is Bertha Mead, and her subject is one that should not be difficult for you three fashion plates: clothes, gentlemen. Clothes. Pete, would you dress up the laugh meter with a fancy figure for Miss Mead, please?

PD: This is about a very, very fashionable wealthy woman. Very, very high fashion, very elegant. The water on her knee was Chanel Number 5. This is very… This is one of these women who gets her hair died a different color to go with every new fashion. You know, one week she’s got platinum and the next week she’s got red, the next maybe she’s got… Well, she’s dyed it so many times, she hasn’t got dandruff, she’s got confetti most of the time. So this particular time she has one of her new dresses over her arms and she walks into a little cleaning establishment. And she says, “I would like to speak to the manager, please. Manager!” This little guy runs out and he says, “Hello, hello, hello.” He says, “What can I do for you, sweetie pie?” She says, “Well, I purchased this dress two months ago, but by the time it was delivered it did not match my hair. Quite a clash. And I want you to dye the dress to go with my hair.” He says, “Certainly. Anything you want. So you want it exactly like the hair? Sort of a dirty red?” She said, “Please! My hair is not red. This is tinted henna. That’s the color. That’s what we call it. Henna.” He says, “Alright. I’ll fix everything A-number-one, gonna be ipsy-pipsy. Don’t worry about it. Anything you want!” So the following week she comes in to pick up the dress and the guy brings it out and it’s a kind of a dirty, crummy canary yellow -- a very peculiar mustardy color. She says, “My goodness! What an awful color!” He says, “What, are you picker-snicker or something? What’s the matter with it?” He says, “It’s a yellow..” He says, [inaudible] is yellow. Buttercups, you should excuse the expression, also yellow. It’s a pretty color.” She says, “But I didn’t tell you to dye my dress yellow.” He says, “No. You told me henna color. So I thought henna color would do!”

RB: Well, Miss Mead will be glad to learn that it did, because that was 1000 on the laugh meter that Miss Mead has now. So here it is boys, Miss Mead challenges you with twenty-five dollars and one thousand on the laugh meter. Who wants to take up that challenge first? Again we have three hands and again Senator Ford looks like he wants to go first.

SF: Well, again Pete reminded me of one. I hope it goes better than the one I did before. Mr. Bunbottom isn’t really a stingy guy. He’s just economical. And one day his wife talked him into letting her buy a new dress. So that evening she flounced in with a very bright yellow gown on, He said, “What was the idea of getting that lemon colored dress?” She said, “I got lemon color to remind me what a job I had squeezing it out of you.” So I will now talk about…This Mrs. Geckle, you know, she’s the kind of a dame -- she’s an amazon. You know, one of those big dames. And she took her henpecked husband out to get him a suit, which she usually did. So they went into this clothing store, and she picked out a suit for him, and the weasel had the temerity to say he didn’t like it. And she, in an unguarded moment, said, “Well, after all, I suppose you should pick out your suits. After all, you’re the one who wears them.” He said, “Well, not completely.” He said, “Let’s compromise. I’ll pick out the coat and vest, and you pick out the pants. You’ve been wearing them in this family for years anyway.”

RB: Top of the laugh meter, Senator. 1000 is the amount. You tied Miss Mead’s 1000 so we chop away five dollars. She now has twenty dollars and we have Ward Wilson second.

WW: It being the spring of the year, this might be appropriate. These two gals down south had spent every last nickel they had for a new Easter hat. So they were all donned out with these new Easter bonnets and they went to church. Coming out of church, a torrential rainstorm, oh, it was coming down in buckets. So this one barged right out in the rainstorm, and the other one pulled her skirt up and threw it up over her hat. And the first one turned around saw her. She said, “Mandy,” she says, “What are you doing? You’re exposing your anatomy to the rain.” She says, “Maybe I is, but my anatomy’s forty years old and this hat’s brand new!

RB: That was a brand new 1000 right there, Ward! You also tied Miss Mead’s 1000, we chop her another five dollars, she now has fifteen dollars and Harry Hershfield…

SF: That’s a new one on me, incidentally. I hadn’t heard that before.

HH: What a sucker I would be to go after that. But do you want the shortest one in the world?

RB: Oh, I’d love it, yeah.

HH: The shortest. Two women are looking at a third woman. One said, “She looks like Helen Brown.” She said, “She don’t look that good in white, either.”

RB: Well, the shorter the joke… Short in telling but it was high in laughter, Harry. That was 1000. Another perfect round and inasmuch as all three of you have tied Miss Mead’s 1000, we dispatch to her, with our very best wishes, ten dollars. And that brings to a close tonight’s transcribed session of “Can You Top This?” except for one thing. Write out your story in full and send it to “Can You Top This?”You start with twenty-five dollars, but each time a wit ties or tops you, you lose five dollars. In addition, if you top all our wits, you receive a recording of Peter Donald telling your story on the air. So send your slightly used jokes to “Can You Top This?” in care of the station to which you are listening. And remember: if two or more persons send in the same joke, the first one received is the one used. All jokes become the property of “Can You Top This?” originated by Senator Ford. Join us next week and every week, same time, other jokes, some new, some old. Until then, we remain yours for bigger and better laughs:

SF: Senator Ford.

WW: Ward Wilson

HH: Harry Hershfield

PD: Peter Donald

RB: And Roger Bower inviting you to listen in again next week for a laugh session with “Can You Top This?”