CAN YOU TOP THIS?

Original broadcast date unknown

NBC Radio

Syndication edit

Emcee: Ward Wilson

Joke teller: Peter Donald

Panel: Senator Ford, Harry Hershfield, Joe Laurie Jr.

(choose your own subject, surprise, laziness, hotel)

CHARLES STARK: “Can You Top This?”

PETER DONALD: I know a guy who lost his head over a beautiful girl. But he looks better without it.

CS: Can you top that, Harry Hershfield?

HARRY HERSHFIELD: I’ll try.

CS: How about you, Senator Ford?

SENATOR FORD: Only time will tell.

CS: And you, Joe Laurie Jr.?

JOE LAURIE JR: Well, maybe.

CS: And now, Ward Wilson.

WARD WILSON: Thank you, Charles Stark, and good evening, friends. Welcome to “Can You Top This?” Like the UCLA football team, we ramble on in our carefree, unrehearsed way. Our three wits do not know what jokes have been chosen until the versatile Peter Donald reads them on the air. Then they try to top. They have no scripts, but rely on memory and ability to switch jokes to make them fit. If Peter Donald reads your submitted joke, you get ten dollars. And our gagsters go to work. Each time they fail to top your score, you get five dollars more, which means you may win twenty-five dollars.

ROGER BOWER: And this is your host, Roger Bower. “Can You Top This?” is made possible by our fine sponsor. Won’t you please listen to this?

WW: …get on with the laughs. Are you ready, fellows?

JL: Ready.

SF: Yup.

WW: You want to bet? Alright. Here’s the first joke of the evening, sent in from Walter M. Lewis of Elmira, New York, and this is on the subject -- oh, this is the first time you’ve had this latitude in a long while. Choose your own subject. An ad lib gag.

JL: That’s not only latitude. That’s longitude too.

WW: Oh, the kid went to school. Wouldn’t have believed it.

JL: I don’t know what it means.

WW: Well, Pete, you may as well take the same latitude and longitude and let’s hope it’s world-encircling.

PD: Well, a fellow went to a restaurant for dinner, but it was so crowded he decided to go up at the bar and have a couple of drinks while he was waiting for his table. Well, by the time he got the table three hours later, this guy was what we call in French, “[Speaks mock French] cockeyed.” So the bartender signaled the head waiter, and he said, “This goy is a soused American. Take him away.” So the customer sat down with dignity and he pulled the table deftly over his head, and he said, he says, “Waiter, come here.” Says, “What would you recommend? I can’t read this menu. Why don’t you print it with letters that stand still. Gee, they’re jumping all… And the little elephants with the straw hats sitting on top don’t help any either. So what have you got that’s good to eat?” Waiter said, “Well, sir, how about the roast beef?” He said, “No, that’s not it.” Said, “Well, sir, how about the lamb?” Says, “No, that’s not it either.” Well, he says, “How about the stewed chicken?” He says, “Now you’re talking. Boy, that’s for me. I’ll have the stewed chicken but I want it a special way.” Waiter said, “A special way, sir? How do you want your stewed chicken?” He says, “Buddy, you can leave out the chicken. Just bring me a double order of what it got stewed on.”

RB: 1000 on the laugh meter, Ward.

WW: Automatically giving Mr. Lewis twenty-five dollars and putting our three wits out strictly for laughs this time, which we hope are sizeable. I see an upraising I think of all three hands, and Joe, yours seems to be the highest.

JL: Yeah, I recall a story that Nellie Revell, who I think is not only a good comedy writer but has a great sense of humor and a great show lady, and she told me one many years ago which has been my favorite. It’s about this goof that goes up to a farm. Never been to a farm before, and he sees a farmer with a donkey. And he says, “What is that, Mister?” Says, “That’s a donkey. A jackass.” He says, “Oh, gee. Where can I get one? Those long ears and those short tails. Where can I get one?” So the farmer figures he’s going to have some fun with him. He says, “Take one of those big pumpkins over there. Take it home and sit on it for three weeks and you’ll get one.” So the kid goes home, sits on the pumpkin for three weeks. Sitting there finally gets disgusted and he gets up and he kicks the pumpkin. It rolls down the hill, hits a bush, a little rabbit with long ears and little tail runs out and starts running. The kid looks at it. He says, “Come back here! Come back here! I’m your father!”

WW: Well, Joe, it’s too bad you had to waste that when that was…

RB: 1000 on the laugh meter for that one, Ward.

WW:…however.

JL: Not wasted as long as I get a laugh.

WW: Oh, you’re not kidding. Keeps us on the way for a perfect round.

JL: I’d like to see if…

WW: And Nellie Revell is an old favorite of all of ours. Apparently she’s happy with you telling that one.

JL: Yeah. Nellie Revell. Great Lady.

WW: Right off the Chest. Remember the book? Senator, I think your hand was upraised second.

SF: Well, I don’t know what you mean by choose your own subject. I would… You mean try to get close to what Pete did? There’s one short one that I remember that kind of fits that thing. This young fellow walked into a department store and he said to the floorwalker, “I was sent to get either a casserole or a camisole.” But he said, “I don’t know which. What’s the difference?” And the floorwalker said, “It depends on what kind of a chicken you want to put in it.”

WW: It was a very good start, Senator. You have another one to top that with?

SF: No, well I got close. I mean I can tell another one, yeah, but why? How did that go?

WW: You want me to tell you?

SF: Yeah.

RB: 900 is the final score on the laugh meter, Ward.

SF: Well, there was a taxi cab going through. A couple were riding through Central Park in a taxi cab. And about in the middle of the park the girl said, “Stop.” And the driver said, “You want me to here?” And the young fellow said, “Keep on going. She wasn’t talking to you.”

WW: Well, you’ll be smart if you stop when I say stop now…

RB: 1000 on the laugh meter, Ward.

WW: Giving us thus far an absolutely perfect round. Harry, don’t spoil it.

HH: Did you get elite?

JL: You know Harry is turning black worrying?

HH: But in North Africa a peculiar custom. And a correspondent, war correspondent, noticed that this fellow is on the road, riding on a horse, this native, and his wife had to walk forty feet back of him. She kept walking on the same road, but he was on the horse. So this correspondent was a little upset by this and he says, “Don’t interfere. That’s the custom here.” So the war was over, and this correspondent goes back again to the same spot on North Africa, and here is this native on the horse, and his wife is walking, but she’s walking ahead of him this time about forty feet, and this correspondent said, “When I first saw you, you were riding on a horse, and she was walking back of you about forty feet. But has the war changed it? Now you’re on the horse and she’s walking forty feet ahead of you.” He says, “A lot of plenty land mines still all over the place.”

WW: 1000, keeping the round absolutely perfect all the way, but all to no avail, of course. I thought you were going to come up with that cannibal butcher again. I was just waiting.

SF: We’d have put you all in there if it was South African dialect.

HH: There was no subject!

WW: No, I know. I say I thought you were going to get the cannibal butcher back again.

JL: Just had an object.

RB: Another round of jokes will be coming up right after these important words from our fine sponsor.

WW: Now, listen. Now, let’s go a-gagging again. To continue our contest of wit and humor, here’s joke which was sent in by Lieutenant Colonel Wayne E. Downing of San Marcos, Texas, and the subject of this joke is surprise. Surprise. So, Pete, if you hit the top, it won’t be any surprise to us. Maybe it will be to the colonel. Let’s try it.

PD: I’m still surprised at Harry’s North African dialect there. I don’t know whether that sounded more like Algiers or Al Jolson. I don’t know which. Anyway, this is about a British admiral -- a British admiral of the fleet named Sir Epsom Gregory Fitzcummerbumd III. They called this admiral Epsom because he was one of the old salts, and his ship -- his ship, after the war was over, his ship was anchored in Russian waters. It was in the mouth of one of the Russian rivers.I’d like to tell you which river it was but we’re not supposed to tell Volga jokes on the NBC. So anyway, the ship was there, and, naturally, one of the Russian admirals came aboard and, a little courtesy, he brought the British admiral a case of caviar and some other Russian delicacies. So you know what that caviar is? That’s that guppy’s puppies that comes in cans. So anyway, this admiral called to his aide. He said, “Oh, Beaverboard, come here.” He said, “As a surprise,” he says, “you can serve some of this wonderful Russian caviar to the crew at mess tonight.” He said, “They’ll be delighted. I know they’ve never tasted it before. Be quite a treat for them.” Well, that was done and next day the admiral was making his rounds inspecting everything. Finally he turned to all the men who were lined up there. He said, “Everything looks ship-shape. I’m quite proud of you.” He said, “Let me see. Are there any complaints today?” So a little Cockney sailor stepped forward. He said, “Yes, admiral. If you don’t mind, I’ve got a complaint to make.” Said, “Yes. What is it?” Says, “Well, you know that Russian food you sent us yesterday?” He says, “Yes, my good man. Didn’t you enjoy it?” Well, he says, “Sort of, sir. It might have been alright, but I thought you ought to know that ‘uckleberry jam tasted like fish.”

RB: It almost made it, but only 950 is what the laugh meter says, Ward.

WW: Just missing your top, giving our three wits a little bit of leeway in there to top that particular joke of Lieutenant Colonel Downing’s, and Harry, I think yours was the first suggestion.

HH: Yes, during the war they were… Of course every former rookie came into it, and this rookie came into camp and he was told to be a kind of a good fellow well met, all that kind of stuff. So this goofy guy who starts going around the camp, and the soldier looks to him like a soldier and he doesn’t know that General Eisenhower is standing there. And he walks over and gives Eisenhower a wallop in the back, knocking Eisenhower down. Eisenhower looks up, says, “Do you know who this is?” Said, “No.” Says, “I’m general Eisenhower.” Fellow says, “Do you know who I am?” Said, “No.” Said, “Thank heaven!”

WW: Very successful, Harry.

RB: 1000 on the laugh meter, Ward.

WW: Topping Colonel Downing’s 950. He still has his ten dollars, however, and now Joe Laurie thrusts his hands up.

JL: I have one that fist surprise. It’s about the salesman, a vacuum salesman. Goes out in the country, knocks at a door, and he says, “I’d like to sell you this vacuum cleaner, lady.” And she says, “But, uh…” He says, “Just a moment . I want to demonstrate it to you.” And he shoves her back into the house and he gets there and he says, “Just a minute. I’ll fix it so.” She says, “But listen, I…” Says, “Just a minute. Takes a lot of paper and tears up the paper and throws it over.” And she says.. He says, “Don’t worry, lady.” She says, “Look what you’ve done.” He says, “Don’t worry.” He goes over to the fireplace, takes out the ashes, throws them all over the place, gets the wood, breaks it up, throws it all over, and all the dust… And she says, “But li--” He says, “Now, listen. You’ll be surprised.” He says, “You’ll be surprised.” He says, “Now take this vacuum cleaner and just clean this up like that.” He says, “Now, where is the plug? Your plug-in?” She says, “You’re going to be surprised. We have no electricity.”

WW: Well, that was an electric joke, anyway, Joe.

RB: 1000 on the laugh meter for that one, Ward.

WW: Topping Colonel Downing’s 950. He still has that same ten bucks that he started out with and, Senator, I don’t know whether you’re going to increase it or not.

SF: Well, I was surprised the other day when I saw Joe Laurie here with a pair of open-toed shoes. I said, “What’s the idea of the open-toed shoes?” He said, “Some listener wrote in and told me to watch my corn.” Well, I was surprised. There was a young bride who was going through the usual domestic ritual of going through her husbands pockets, and she found a card with “Margie Grey” on it, and “MAine-8421.” So she said to her husband, “What’s this? He said, “Oh, that’s nothing. That’s just a horse I bet on yesterday.” She said, “Is that so? Well, what’s this MAine-4821?” He said, he choked on that one. Finally, he said, “Well, Maine, you see, that’s where the bookmaker is, and that 4821, that’s the odds. 48 to 1. See?” So he went to work and that evening he came home and he said, “Darling, did anything happen today?” She said, “Nothing, except that your racehorse called up.”

WW: Well, the facts and figures are 550.

SF: She was surprised.

WW: He was surprised and so were we, Sen--

SF: If I understand it, that’s been a good gag for forty years.

WW: Well, it’ll probably be another forty years before we hear it again.

JL: Got to stop going some time.

WW: Well, let’s take a fresh start on our next joke, which comes from Paul W. Sauers of Memphis, Tennessee, and the subject of this round is something that I hope none of you three are ever afflicted with, laziness. So, Pete, would you…

SF: Don’t look at me.

WW: And don’t look back at me. Pete, just drawl this one out.

PD: Well, an Irish fellow, Michael Rourke, he wasn’t exactly lazy, just had a little allergy to energy, didn’t like to work much, glued his shoes on his feet so he wouldn’t have to tie the laces in the morning, and his wife -- it drover her crazy. So one day she said to him, “Michael, Michael, I’ve told you one thousand times not to be so lazy. Look at all the things around this house that need fixing. The porch is falling down and the door’s hanging on one hinge, and you just sit there taking it easy.” He said, “Maggie, my darling, don’t scold me. Don’t be harping on me all the time. I’m not, I’m not lazy. After all, I’m just a little tired. For goodness sakes, I work consistently, don’t I?” She said, “Oh, you work consistently, alright. Every time there’s an eclipse of the sun, you go out and sell smoked glasses. It’s a great job. You… Take for instance today. For goodness sakes, here it is raining cats and dogs, and you didn’t men the hole in the roof and all the rain is dripping through the hole into the bucket below.” Well, he said, “That’s alright, ain’t it?” She said, “It would be alright except the floor’s getting all wet because you didn’t men the hole in the bucket, either!”

WW: Well, looks like you’ll have to mend your ways after that one, Pete.

RB: 750 on the laugh meter for that joke, Ward.

WW: Giving our three wits a little more latitude. Mr. Sauers now has ten dollars to start out with, and let’s see what happens at the upraising of hands, and Joe, you seem to be a little bit dubious. Is that up or down?

JL: Uh, I think I got one.

‘

WW: Alright, we’ll start with you, then.

\

JL: Fellow comes into a restaurant, and he says, “Put the supper in the basket here.” So he’s been doing this for a long time, and the proprietor says, “Oh, by the way, how is your wife?” Says, “Oh, she’s alright.” Says, “Well, isn’t she ill?” He says, “She hasn’t been sick in twenty years.” He says, “Well, I thought she was sick because you come here three times a day and take the meal in to her.” Says, “Ah, we’ve been married twenty years. For twenty years I’ve been coming here, getting three meals a day, and bringing it to my wife.” Says, “Because she don’t like to cook.” Says, “Well, if she don’t like to cook, why don’t you bring her here to eat with you here?” He says, “She don’t like to walk, either!”

WW: You better shake hands with Donald on that one, believe me, Joseph.

RB: The laugh meter says 300 this time, Ward.

WW: (Whispers) 300!

JL: How..?

WW: I won’t say it real loud.

JL: I know about the laziest guy, the fellow that has two desks -- one for each foot.

WW: No, that one wouldn’t have worked either. It was 200. You’re going down a hundred a clip. That doesn’t top Mr. Sauers’ 750, so he now has fifteen dollars. He’s coming up fast in life here. Sen, was your hand raised?

SF: Yeah, the present condition kind of recalls a gag. Uncle Toby Smudgegunk up in my home town -- he’s a very lazy guy indeed. One day Aunt Mamie was carrying a big, heavy scuttle of coal up the kitchen stairs from the cellar, and he finally snapped out of his laziness. He put his hand up in a very dramatic gesture, and he said, “This thing has got to stop! Day after day I have watched you carrying that big, heavy hod of coal up these stairs, and it ain’t going to happen no more! You get yourself a little pail and make two trips.”

RB: 1000 on the laugh meter.

WW: Topping Mr. Sauers’ 750. Therefore, he still retains his firm grasp on fifteen dollars, and, Harry, so far we haven’t heard from you.

HH: Well, I have a favorite story. Ivan Popnikov -- he was one of those radical kind of guys, and he would still till eleven, twelve o’clock at ni-- daytime. And his father was getting sore. Finally he came to him. Says, “Lazy bum, you. Get up. Laying there all day. Why don’t you get up and get a job? Make some money.” Said, “That’s why I ain’t getting up. Is coming one day a utopia. We wouldn’t need no money. Come the revolution, we wouldn’t need no money.” Father says, “Well, why don’t you go to work, and when it comes the revolution, you’ll have fifty thousand dollars to give to the revolution.” He says, “Suppose it don’t come, the revolution? I’m stuck with the fifty thousand dollars!”

WW: Well, Harry, you’re stuck with 1000 on that particular joke, if you could call that being stuck, which I don’t.

RB: Well, be right back with our next round of jokes after these few commercial words.

WW: Well, here’s joke that was sent in. I got to be careful with this one. Sent in by Michael Stasko of Tusckow, Pennsylvania, wherever that is. That’s one town I never heard of. T U S C K O W. Tusckow, Pennsylvania, and this is on the subject of something you -- really, it’s hard to get in now, but maybe you know something about it from old times. Hotel. Hotel. So, Peter, we might just say, “Front.”

PD: Well, this is about my friend Mr. Abercrombie Fafufnik, and he walked into the famous Hotel Delmonico here in New York and went up to the room clerk. He says, “Pardon me, buddy.” He says, he says, “Would you be so accommodating as to accommodate me with accommodations?” The clerk said, “I’m very sorry, sir.” He says, “All our rooms are full, and our guests just aren’t checking out.” He says, “What? You mean your roomers aren’t flying? Oh, I see. Personally,” he says, “for goodness sakes. I say, I’ve been to every hotel in town.” He says, “Been to the Waldorf Abramowitz, and this… Went uptown to the St. Morris and I was downtown to the Hotel Yonkel. I’m tired out.” Says, “Mein feet are killing me to pieces.” He says, “Mein tootsies are hurting me.” He said, “My little toe is riding my big toe piggyback.” He says, “You got to do something for me.” The fellow says, “Well, now. We haven’t a single room, but,” he says, “I’ll tell you what I could do.” He said, “The man in 611, Mr. Vazola -- he has a two-room suite. Now, I could arrange for him to close the door between the rooms and put the bed in the room that was his sitting room, and you could have that.” So that was great with Fafufnik and they did that and everything was fine for two days. The following day, Mr. Vazola, the man in 611, comes flying down to the desk. He says, “Come upstairs with me and see what that new neighbor of mine, that Fafufnik guy, did!” So the clerk went upstairs, and there was the doorway between the two rooms, and the door was leaning against the wall. Fafufnik had unscrewed it and taken it off. So the clerk says, “Listen, Mr. Fafufnik.” He says, “What’s the idea of taking that door off the hinges?” Fafufnik says, “Why did I take the door off the hinges?” He says, “Because I found out the fellow in the next room is nosy and I don’t want him looking through the keyhole!”

WW: Well, Peter, you can look right out the window after that one.

RB: 1000 on the laugh meter, Ward.

WW: So Mr. Stasko is safely ensconced with twenty-five dollars, and our three wits once again are out just for laughs, and, Harry, I think your hand was first.

HH: Well, you were right about the crowded hotel situation. A fellow got a room in a hotel. He was lucky to get it. Finally a second guy had to have a room. So the fellow said, “Well, I can let you bunk up with one guy that’s up there. There’s one fellow. You’ll have to sleep two of you.” So the guy says, “Alright. I don’t mind it, as long as we can get our sleep in quiet.” Finally a third guy comes along, a drunk, and he said, “I’ll get a room here.” Fellow says, “Well, you’ll have to go up there. There’s only one fellow in there.” He wouldn’t tell him there was two. He said, “Only one. One fellow up there. Everything is alright.” So the drunk gets up there and it’s kind of dark and he staggers in and he finally gets in bed and everything is quiet, and all of a sudden, the drunk says, “I see six feet.” So the fellow next to him says, “Go to sleep. You only see four.” He said, “I only see six feet! I see six feet!” Fellow said, “You only see four, I’m telling you.” So the drunk got up out of bed, walked to the foot of the bed, and started counting. “One, two, three, four.” He says, “I guess you’re right,” and went back to bed he goes.”

WW: Well, by the same token, I guess you’re right, Harry.

RB: The laugh meter registers 1000 for that joke, Ward.

WW: Tying Mr. Stasko’s 1000 but not topping him, and, Senator, I think your hand was upraised second.

SF: Well, Harry, that gag Harry told reminded me of one. I hope it does nearly as well as his did. Ditsy Baumwartle and Dopey Dildock went on a trip, and they got into one of those humpty-dumpty hotels and it was crowded and the clerk said, “I’ll have to put you both in one room and there’s only a single bed in it. But I think you’ll be comfortable because there’s a featherbed in the bed.” So they went to bed, and about two o’clock in the morning Ditsy nudged Dopey, and he said, “Hey, Dopey, roll over. It’s my turn to sleep on the feather.” So then another guy came into the hotel, and he said to the clerk, “I want a room and bath.” And the clerk said, “I’ll give you the room. You’ll have to take the bath yourself.

RB: The laugh meter registered 450 on that one, Ward.

WW: It was a sort of a hopeless task trying to top Mr. Stasko’s 1000, anyway.

SF: That’s why I didn’t try too hard.

WW: Now I get the point. Well, Joe, you haven’t been included yet.

JL: Well, I could tell you about the hotel that had a room so small, Kilroy couldn’t even get in. The one I want to tell is about… Harry reminded me of the Russians. Esipov comes in town, so his friend says to him, “Come with me to my hotel.” He says, “You’ll love it. It’s a wonderful hotel. It’s centrally located.” He says, “It’s a stone’s throw from the subway.” The other guy says, “Nah.” He says, “What do you mean, ‘Nah?’ What’s the matter with it?” He says, “Who wants to sit in a hotel all day and throw stones at a subway?”

WW: Well, I can’t hit you with any rocks on that one, Joe. One---

RB: 1000 on the laugh meter.

WW: But, looking at the figures before me, I see that while two of our wits tied Mr. Stasko’s 1000, none of the three topped him, which means a perfect shot at that meter, thanks to Peter Donald. So join “Can You Top This?” again next week. Same time, same gang, other jokes, some new, some old. Until then, we remain yours for bigger and better laughs:

SF: Senator Ford.

HH: Harry Hershfield

JL: Joe Laurie Jr.

PD: Peter Donald.

WW: Ward Wilson

RB: And this is your host Roger Bower, saying so long, and take care of yourself until we meet again next time.