CAN YOU TOP THIS?

Original broadcast date unknown. 1947 or later, due to the mention of supersonic flight.

Syndication edit

Emcee: Ward Wilson

Joke teller: Peter Donald

Panel: Senator Ford, Harry Hershfield, Joe Laurie Jr.

(advertising, salesmanship, barber, anger)

CHARLIE STARK: “Can You Top This?”

PETER DONALD: One of the advantages of these new airplanes that fly faster than sound is you can’t hear the backseat driver!

CS: Can you top that, Harry Hershfield?

HARRY HERSHFIELD: I’ll try.

CS: How about you, Senator Ford?

SENATOR FORD: I really don’t know.

CS: And you, Joe Laurie Jr?

JOE LAURIE JR:  Neither do I.

CS: These laughter makers with their rafter-shakers bring you another session of “Can You Top This?”And now for that dope who’ll give you the man. I mean that man who’ll give you the dope, Ward Wilson.

WARD WILSON: Well, isn’t he cute? Thank you, Charlie Stark. “Can You Top This?” is unrehearsed and spontaneous, and our top rule is “keep them laughing.” Anyone can send in a joke, and if your joke is told by the well-known actor ans storyteller Peter Donald, you get ten dollars. Each of the three wits try to top it with another joke on the same subject. Each time they fail to top you, you get five dollars more, so you have a chance to win as much as twenty-five dollars.

ROGER BOWER: And this is your host, Roger Bower. “Can You Top This?" Is made possible by our fine sponsor. Please listen to this.

WW: Let’s get on with the laughs. Are you ready, fellows?

JL: Ready.

SF: Yeah.

WW: Well, that’s good. All three are in accord tonight. And here’s our first joke, which was sent in by John Romano of Rutland, Vermont.Apparently it changed over from Illinois. And it’s on the subject of something we’re all quite interested in: advertising. Advertising. So, Pete. Make quite a display of this one, will you?

PD: We’ll try. Well, this is about a famous Viennese musician, Herr Rudolf Glockenspiel, and he came to this country for a concert tour, and he was just a couple of days in the country and he was sitting in his suite at the Delmonico Hotel waiting for his agent, when a visitor was announced. And this fellow came in. He says, “Pardon me, but,” he said, “You’re Mr. Glockenspiel the piano player?” He said, “What? The piano player? Please! I am a European virtuoso! I am stupendous! I am cataclysmic! I am colossal! You should hear me when I play ‘The Flight of the Binglebong, the Binglebang.’ Oh please. ‘The Flight of the Singlebong Singlebee.’ Er, ‘Dinah!’” So he says, “Well, Mr. Glockenspiel,” he says, “I represent the makers of El Skunko Cigars,” and he says, “We’re starting a little advertising campaign, and, gee, if you’ll smoke our cigars and endorse them in an advertisement in all the magazines, we’ll give you two thousand dollars.” He says, “Well, that’s wunderbar! Scrumptious! Give me the cigars! I’ll light one right away” So he “Yes, sir.” And he says, “You notice every cigar El Skunko is wrapped in a coupon, and when you’ve saved one thousand coupons, we will give you free a Steinway piano.” Glockenspiel took the cigar out of his mouth and he says, “Nix. The deal is off.” He says, “Off? Why?” He says, “Because, young man, if I smoke enough of these cigars to get one thousand coupons, I won’t need a piano. I’ll need a harp!”

WW: Well, you don’t need anything in particular there, Pete. Don’t look around so suspiciously.

RB: One thousand on the laugh meter, Ward.

WW: And let’s take a look at the hands. Hmm! Washed them, too! Joe Laurie Jr was the first, I think.

JL: Well, there was a fellow swimming in a lake at a big private estate. And he swam in there a little while, and a big private cop comes along. He says, “Hey you! You!” He says, “Yes?” He says, “See that sign up here? Can you read?” He says, “Of course!” He says, “Look. It says ‘Private. No swimming allowed.’ That’s what it says on there. ‘Private. No swimming allowed.’ Did you see it?” He says, “Yes. Of course I’ve seen it.” He says, “Then why are you swimming?” He says, “I didn’t read it like that.” He says, “How did you read it?” He says, “I read it, ‘Private? No! Swimming allowed!’”

WW: Needless to say, Joe, you were in the swim with that one.

RB: 1000 on the laugh meter for that one, Ward.

WW: Tying Mr. Romano’s 1000, but not topping him. And let’s see how well Harry Hershfield can do with the advertising subject.

HH: Well, out of advertising signs I think these are kind of two newies. I want to throw one in first. There’s a guy got a sign on him: “I am blind.” And people are going by and putting money in. And one fellow is very sorry for him and he puts a dollar bill in him. And as he walks away he takes a look back at this guy. Just he’s sorry for him. And he sees this guy pull out a big newspaper like this. So he runs back and says, “What’s the idea of the newspaper?” He says, “I ain’t reading! I’m only looking at the pictures!” But the one I want to tell is a shorty too. There’s guys. One of them says, “To think they did it to me! Did it to me! I wouldn’t believe they would do this to me!” They guy says, “What do you mean, do to you? What is he doing?” He says, “They’re picketing my place.” He says, “What business you in?” He says, “I make the picket signs!”

RB: It almost made it.But only 950 is what the laugh meter says, Ward.

WW: It couldn’t quite get that 51, but it was awfully close to the top anyway. But it’s rather futile trying to top that 1000 of Mr. Romano’s anyway. And how about you, Senator Ford? You haven’t been in this round yet.

SF: Well, advertising, that could be almost anything. Everybody advertises. When a kid carves his initials on a birch tree that’s advertising. Tombstone epitaphs are advertising, as a matter of fact. I could tell what could be called ASAP’s fable. That fits in there. There was a little bird down around Coney Island. A little sparrow. And he was hopping around looking for sustenance. And all of a sudden he saw a frankfurter that somebody had dropped out of a roll. So he ate up the whole hot dog, and then he began to chirp. Now, in bird language, chirping is, it’s advertising for “I just had a good meal” See? So a cat heard the chirping, ran over, and ate the little sparrow all up. The moral is: keep your mouth shut when you’re full of baloney.

WW: That’ll do it very nicely, Senator.

RB: One thousand on the laugh meter, Ward.

WW: And so as we look down the record we find that none of you three wits have topped Mr. Romano’s 1000. So it’s indeed a pleasure to send him twenty-five dollars.

RB: Don’t go away. We’ll have another round of jokes in a few moments.

WW: We continue our contest of wit and humor. And here’s a joke which was sent in by Mrs. Jay Warren Hicks of Washington Courthouse, Ohio. And the subject of this joke is salesmanship. Salesmanship. So, Pete, unless I miss my guess, you should come in with a fine record on this one.

PD: Well, in the busy shoe department of the J. N. Adams store, a big fat guy walked in. A big sort of lummox of a guy. He walked into the shoe department, and he eases three hundred pounds into a chair and a very smiling new clerk came over to him, full of salesmanship and ambition. You know one of those guys, he’s really working his fingers to the bonus at this time of year. Anyway, he walks over. He says, “Yes, sir. What kind of a shoe would you care to see?” He says, “Something in brown or black? We’ve just received some new shark. I’m sure you’d like them. I’ve got some wonderful things I’d like to show you this afternoon.” Big fat guy says, “Uh, well…” He says, “Now, wait a minute, sir. Let me show you some. We have a number here. Very very comfortable.” He says, “Double stitched, inner welt, and all kinds of reinforcement, all the way around, and I think you’ll like this.” Well, he says, “Uh, well…”  He says, “Now, wait a minute, sir. We have a lot more if you don’t like.” He says, “We’ve got some other here made of alligator.” He says, “I think these are very, very smart. “ He says, “We have them in white for the summer too. Why don’t you try these on?” Fellow says, “Uh, well…” He says, “Now, wait a minute, sir. Now let me get all these boxes down. We got all the boxes. We got the finest shoes in town. I’ll be glad to show them to you. Now here’s our whole stock. Don’t you think they’re nice shoes.” Fellow says, “Uh, yeah. They’re nice shoes, but I’m not interested in buying any right now.” He says, “You’re not interested in buying shoes?” He says, “Why did you come in here?” He says, “Well, you see, I’m so fat I can’t bend over and my shoelace is undone. I want to ask if you’d tie it for me.”

WW: Well, that was a little dubious that time, Pete.

RB: 1000 on the laugh meter, Ward.

WW: It was 1000 anyway, automatically giving Mrs. Hicks twenty-five dollars. Now, that’s the second time that’s happened tonight, for which congratulations, putting our three wits…

PD: That was the same salesman as the first joke. He works in a different department now.

WW: Oh, I see! He’s moved over now. Well, that’s fine. Let’s see if our three wits can move right along with you. And Senator, I think your hand was upraised first.

SF: Well, I know a number of salesman gags. I also know about the drummer and the farmer’s daughter but that’s another gag. But Pete’s story kind of reminded me of one. Dugan went into a haberdashery and he said to the clerk, he said to the salesman, “What is the usual way of showing respect for one who has passed from this mundane sphere into the great beyond?” So they salesman says, “Well, some people wear mourning clothes. Other wear a black band around the arm.” And he says, “A black band around the arm.” He says, “Yes, and the nearer and dearer they are, the wider the band.” Dugan says, “The nearer and dearer the wider the band.” He says, “In that case you better give me a shoelace. This was me mother in law!” A flannel mouth.

WW: Thought you were having a little trouble with that upper plate at the end there, but…

SF: No, that was a flannel mouth.

WW: Oh I see. No lace curtain, eh?

RB: One thousand on the laugh meter for that one, Ward.

WW: Tying Mrs. Hicks’ 1000 but not topping her, and Harry, I think your hand was second.

HH: Well, there’s all kinds of salesmanship. The greatest salesmanship is when I guy sells himself. A GI comes home and he comes in front of his house, and he says a woman with a baby carriage and a child in. So he looks at the woman and the woman looks at him. Says, “Don’t you know me? This is your mother Ethel, son” He says, “You, mother? Why, you look forty years younger!” She says, “Yes. You know, they sell these new vitamin pills and I took them, and it took forty years right off of my life.” Well, he said, “That’s wonderful. And by the way, is that my new baby brother?” She says, “No, that’s your father. He took an overdose.”

RB: Hey! 1000 on the laugh meter for that one, Ward.

WW: Giving us thus far a perfect round, Mrs Hicks starting it off with the cooperation of Peter Donald and Joe, you’re the only one we haven’t heard from.

JL: Yeah. I’ve got one. This fellow is walking all along the War Surplus Board. You know, they have this big market with all the war surplus. So he walks all over with this fellow. He walks around and he says, “No, I don’t want this. I don’t want that.” And the fellow is spending a lot of time trying to sell him something. He says, “Here’s something I can give you.” And  he says,”Five hundred pounds of this,” he says, “We can’t get rid of it.” He says, “I’ll tell you what I’ll do. I’ll give it to you for twenty-five dollars.” He says, “Five hundred pounds for twenty-five dollars? I’ll take it!” He says, “By the way, what is it?” He says, “It’s Rough on Rats.” He says, “Well, five hundred pounds for twenty-five dollars. It’s a bargain.” He says, “I should say it is a bargain.” Says, “Give me it.” Pays him the twenty-five, puts it in his car, and comes home with it. And he drags all this Rough on Rats upstairs. These big packages. And he brings it in. His wife says, “What have you got there?” He says, “Did I buy a bargain?” Says, “How much did you pay?” He says, “Twenty-five dollars. Five hundred pounds!” She says, “What is it?” He says, “Rough on Rats.” She says, “We haven’t got any rats!” He says, “Can’t we get some?”

WW: Just eased you in nicely, Joe. One thousand.

SF: I know a gag like that on Rough on Rats.

WW: Alright.

SF: Rats biscuit.

WW: Why don’t you toss it in?

SF: So they had rats around the house. And the wife said to the husband, “Go out and get some rat biscuit.” And the husband said, “If they don’t want to eat what we eat, let them starve to death!”

WW: I like that, Senator. But let’s get the facts straight here, now. That was our first perfect round of the evening. Everybody got a thousand on that one. So the news is that we send Mrs. Hicks twenty-five dollars today. Now our next joke comes from William H. Otto of Racine, Wisconsin. And this is on the subject of “barber.” And I don’t mean Red. Just the fellow who shaves you. So, Pete, start whittling away on this one, will you?

PD: Well, this is about an old Italian barber named Pietro Lasangna. He’s got a store downtown here in New York, and for years he ran this little barber shop with four old barbers in there, these four guys, Sleepy, Dopey, Grumpy, and Pasquale. The four old guys. So finally one of the barbers decides to quit. He was too old, so he turned in his sweater and his bottle of herbicide and quit the business, and Pietro had to give his job to a new barber. And he got a new, inexperienced young fellow. Same fellow in the first two stories. I’m using him again. So he got this new barber. Never done much of this before. And the first day the kid is working, and a customer came in and asked for a haircut. The new man began cutting his hair, and he was working very hard, but when he looked at one side he thought he’d cut a little too much, so he cut a little more on the other side to come out even and he starts, “No, it’s a little to much there.” So he went back to the other side and he cut a little more there. And then that didn’t balance. So he went around and he cut a little in the back and this went on, and finally it didn’t look so good to him. So he thought he’d better call his boss. He says, “Hey boss!” He says, “Would you come over here? I’m having just a little trouble.” So old Pietro came over. He took one look at the customer’s hair. He says, “That’s fine what you do.” He says, “That’s fine. You clip a little here, you clip a little there.” But he says, “Please. The next time you got a trouble and you got to call me, please call me before you run out of hair!”

WW: You didn’t run out of anything that time, Pete. The…

RB: The laugh meter registers 1000 for that joke, Ward.

WW: Giving Mr. Otto twenty-five dollars. Bad night for our three wits, tonight, it seems like. They haven’t a chance to top these first three. But we’ll take a look around and see what happens anyway, and Harry, I think your hand was raised first.

HH: I have a favorite story in a barber. One of those wolves gets in the barber chair, calls for the manicurist and the barber. The barber starts working on him, and this wolf starts to work on this baby. And he says, “How about you and I stepping out tonight, kid?” She says, “I can’t. I’m married.” He says, “So what? Suppose you are married?” She says, “But I’m married.” He says, “Go on. Ask your husband if you can get out tonight. Give him some excuse. Ask if your husband can get out. Ask your husband, will you?” Says, “Ask him yourself. He’s shaving you.”

RB: 1000 for that joke, Ward.

WW: Tying Mr. Otto’s 1000 but not topping it. And Joe, I think your hand was raised second.

JL: Yeah, the wife comes out to her husband. She says, “You know, I just watched little Willy, and I think he’s going to be a barber.” He says, “Ah, go on. Little kid. What are you talking about? How do you know?” Says, “I think he’s going to be a barber.” He says, “How do you know he’s going to be a barber?” She says, “He’s in there, practicing with your razor on a coconut.”

WW: That’s the one that you’re entering, Joe?

JL: Oh, that… Yeah, I’ll enter it. So the next barber come up in the same store that Pete was at. He says, “Isn’t that some kind of a new oil you’re using on my hair?” He says, “Yeah, it’s a new oil.” He says, “It’s a new oil.” He says, “It’s a funny kind of oil. He says, “It’s a new oil, but I got a trouble.” He says, “What’s your trouble?” He says, “I don’t know what to do with the sardines!” I got millions of them. All bad.

WW: On that basis, it would take a few of the million to get you up there, Joe.

RB: Well, looks like only 400 on the laugh meter now, Ward.

WW: How about you in this round, Senator?

SF: Well, you know, I know a number of barber gags. Like Joe. But your talking about Red Barber kind of reminds me that Ditsy Baumwardle and Dopey Dildock were talking about that. So Ditsy says, “You know, they ought to do something about keeping football clean. There must be a way of keeping football clean.” So Dopey says, “Sure there is. All they have to do is use the scrub team.” Got nothing to do with barbers! Don’t mark anything down! I just… Red Barber kind of reminded me of it when you mentioned Red.

WW: I hope Red isn’t listening.

SF: Well, there are a lot of barber gags. A customer went into a store and the barber said, “How do you want your hair cut?” And the customer said, “Off.” Then there’s the one about little Oscar Fostengoggle went into the barbershop his first time alone, and got up into the chair, and the barber said, “How do you want your hair cut?” And he said, “Like papa’s, with a hole in the middle.”

WW: You should have told that one first, Senator! They progressed backwards.

SF: It doesn’t make any difference. Pete hit a thousand. What difference does it make?

HH: I got another barber story.

WW: You have another one?

HH: Yup.

WW: Alright. Toss it in there.

HH: A guy rushes into the barber shop and he grabs ahold of a guy and he says, “Hurry up! Give me a shave and I want no talk out of you!” He says, “Just a minute. I want to tell you.” He says, “No talk. Shave!” He said, “I want to…” He said, “Don’t talk! Shave!” So the guy shaves him and he cuts him and his ear is cut and everything. When he gets out he said, “Are you a barber?” He said, “That’s what I wanted to tell you! I’m the bootblack!”

SF: Say, Ward. I know one about a…

WW: These are the kind of…

SF: Ward, about another talking barber. This guy was a very loquacious barber, and he said to the customer, “You know, I just came back from a funeral.” And the customer said, “You’re lucky. A lot of people don’t.”

WW: Did you have another one you wanted to sneak in, Joe?

JL: Well, you remember Jim Thornton’s favorite gag? He says he saw sign outside of a barber shop: “During alterations, people will be shaved in the back.”

WW: Well, that cleans up the barber round, I think.

RB: We’ll be right back with our next round of jokes after these few commercial words.

WW: Alright, men, and now our next joke this evening comes from Steven Jackson of Columbus, Ohio, and it’s on the subject of something I hope you stay away of: anger. Anger. Mad, Joe. So, Peter, if you tell it in Irish dialect we’ll keep our ire up.

PD: You couldn’t be more wrong. This is about Mrs. Fafufnik. Anyway, this…She… Maybe he was thinking of herring go Bragh! I don’t know. [gap in recording] “Why you looking all sour like a quince face, there?” He says, “Mrs. Fafufnik, I’m angry. I’m furious. I just came back from a business trip to Springfield, Massachusetts. I was just out of town a few days.” And he says, “I’m anxious to get back to my wife at home. I sent her a telegram! I even sent her a telegram!And when I came home, my wife wasn’t there. And I went downtown to eat, and I see her dining and dancing at a snappy nightclub with s strange man.” He says, “I’ll kill her! I’ll kill both of them!” She says, “Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Don’t burst a blood vessel! Take it easy!” She says,  “Don’t get mad at your wife. After all, she might have an explanation. Remember, there’s always two sides to every story. I’ll go down to the restaurant. I’ll see what she’s got to say for herself. Maybe there’s incendiary circumstances. Don’t worry.” So she goes down to the restaurant and she comes back to him and she’s chuckling. She says, “Ohh! Did I fix it up?” She says, “Sonny boy, you are looking on [inaudible]. He gets all angry for nothing. I discussed the whole business with her. She’s innocent. She’s as innocent as a bird.” He says, “Innocent? When I find her out dancing with a strange man?” She said, “Certainly. How could she know you were coming home? She didn’t even get your telegram.”

WW: Well, that was wired for sound, alright, Pete.

RB: 1000 on the laugh meter, Ward.

WW: We’re hotter than a [inaudible] tonight. Mr Jackson in with twenty-five bucks, and our three wits have the door slammed in their face once again. However, we’ll see what jokes they come up with and Harry Hershfield is the first to offer.

HH: This is a violinist -- a Russian violinist named Misha Mishina, and he’s giving a concert and he plays Opus 42 first, and it’s no good. And he plays another one, a largo 48, popus 82, and still nothing. Plays piece after piece, no applause. And he goes back after the concert backstage, and he’s tearing his hair and a little kid rushes in and says, “Why do you keep the violin under your chin?” He says, “For fifty years I don’t know why, and you got to know immediately?”

RB: One thousand on the laugh meter.

WW: Tying Mr. Jackson’s 1000 but not topping it, and Senator, I think you were second.

SF: Well, up in my hometown there’s a farmer by the name of Ole Svenagaard, a Scandinavian, naturally, and one time he thought he’d like to visit Chicago during the winter and get a look at the Midwest metropolis. So he boarded a train, and when they approached Chicago one of those fat dowagers came in -- you know, with the eyeglasses on a stick -- and sat down opposite him. And just as they neared the Chicago stockyards, she pulled out a bottle of smelling salts, took the cork out of the bottle. Well, first thing you know, the aroma of the stockyards permeated the atmosphere and Ole took a good sniff of eau d’ cattle, and then angrily looked at the bottle of smelling salts and said, “Lady, will you please put the cork back in the bottle? You’re smelling up the whole place.”

WW: That was Scandinavian, wasn’t it, Senator? It was 1000 on the

SF: Listen, I’ve already sailed up the fjords of Norway. Where do you get off with what you’re…

WW: The fjords of Detroit. Well, let’s see. We have everybody in now but Joe Laurie.

JL: Yeah, here’s one that Tomik Lamare, the famous comic artist, told me a long time ago. It’s about Mrs. Doyle and Mrs. Casey, always arguing with each other. And Mrs. Doyle lived on the third floor, and Mrs. Casey lived on the second floor. So Mrs. Doyle looks out of the window one day and she sees Mrs. Casey looking out of the window. She says, “Why don’t you go inside and let your money look out of the window?” She says, “Oh, is that so? Let me monkey  look out of the windows?” She says, “I did that yesterday. I had the monkey out in the window yesterday. And Finnegan the cop come by and looked up, tipped his hat, and says, “Since when, Mrs.. Doyle, have you moved down to the second floor?”

WW: Well, you moved down just slightly on that one, Joe.

RB: 900 is the final score on the laugh meter, Ward.

WW: Well, fellows, the truth of the matter is that we have run just about out of time for tonight, but before we go I’d like to ask the audience to join “Can You Top This?” again next week, the same time, same gang, other jokes, some new, some old.

CS: Until then, we remain your for bigger and better laughs.

SF: Senator Ford.

HH: Harry Hershfield

JL: Joe Laurie Jr.

RB: And this is your host, Roger Bower, saying so long, and take care of yourself until we meet again next time.