CAN YOU TOP THIS?
Original broadcast date unknown
NBC RADIO
Syndication edit
Emcee: Ward Wilson
Joke teller: Peter Donald
Panel: Senator Ford, Harry Hershfield, Joe Laurie Jr.
(automobile, feud, tramp, golf)
ANNOUNCER: “Can You Top This?” starring Senator Ford.
SENATOR FORD: Good evening.
ANNOUNCER: Harry Hershfield.
HARRY HERSHFIELD: Howdy.
ANNOUNCER: And Joe Laurie Jr.
JOE LAURIE JR: Hellooo.
ROGER BOWER: And this is your host, Roger Bower.
ANNOUNCER: And now here is your master of ceremonies, Ward Wilson.
WARD WILSON: Good evening, friends. Welcome to “Can You Top This?” our unrehearsed wheeze whirlpool. Our three wits do not know what jokes have been chosen until the people’s representative, Peter Donald, tells them on the air.
RB: Then our panelists try to top the score on the laugh meter registered by Peter Donald.
WW: Our three gagsters have no scripts. They rely on memory and ability to switch jokes and make them fit the subject.
RB: “Can You Top This?” is made possible by our fine sponsor. Won’t you please listen to this?
WW: So let’s get on with the laughs. Are you ready, fellows?
JL and HH: Ready!
SF: Uh-huh.
WW: Okay. Here we go. Our first joke this evening comes from Harry B. Rosenbaum of Ft. Thomas, Kentucky, suh. And it’s on the subject of something I hope you don’t get too close to as a pedestrian: “automobile.” Automobile. So, Peter, put that new job of yours in low gear, and step on the gas.
PETER DONALD: Well, this happened over in Brooklyn. And these two girls, Sadie DeKalb and Gertrude Gowanis met on the street. And Sadie says then, “Oh, hello Gertrude.” Says, “You want to come drive?” Says, “You know, I just got a new car.” Says, “Gee, that’s wonderful. What did you get? Is it a Ford?” She says, “A Ford? No. This is more of a Hershfield, this car. Very little pickup and no clutch, you know?” So anyway, Gertie went with her and they’re going along in the car and all of a sudden Gertie starts to get nervous and she says, “Gee, Sadie, this seems awful fast. Gee, right now how fast are we going?” Says, “Well, how should I know?” Says, “Gee, you mean to tell me you don’t know how fast we’re going? What’s wrong with you speedometer?” She says, “Oh, now, I sold the speedometer last week. I didn’t need it no longer.” She says, “My goodness. How can you get along without a speedometer?” Said, “Well, I get along swell, Gertrude. You see, at twenty miles an hour the fenders rattle and at thirty miles an hour the doors and windows rattle. And I always know when I’m doing over forty.” She says, “How?” She says, “Because my uppers and lowers rattle!”
RB: That one made the top. 1000 on the laugh meter.
WW: Which automatically gives Mr. Rosenbaum twenty-five dollars, and makes our task a little bit tough for our three wits on the first joke of the evening. However, they’re all in an amenable mood, and they’re going to go out after it anyway. Just see if you can tie it, fellows, anyway. Eeny, meeny, miny, moe, and I’ll give a listen to Harry Hershfield.
HH: Well, Pete telling that gag brings a story up that’s going around now about this old guy, 98 years old, dying. He’s in awful shape. So they figured he used to like to ride around in the automobile. He used to like the city. Maybe they’d take him one more ride, whether he’d pep up or whether he’d pass out. They they take him in the car and he’s sitting there with the nurse in the car, and they’re going through the city of New York. “Blah, houses are close. I don’t know.” They take him by the Empire State Building. No reaction. They take him by the museum. No reaction. Fifth Avenue no action. Lindy’s Restaurant no action. They go everyplace. Stage Delicatessen no action. Every place he goes nothing. And finally a beautiful blond passes, and for the first time his eyes fluttered. And he leans over to the nurse. He says, “Hand me my teeth. I want to whistle at her.”
RB: 1000 on the laugh meter, Ward.
WW: Zooming right up there and tying Mr. Rosenbaum’s 1000.
HH: I nearly lost my own doing it!
WW: By the way too, Harry, I love the old man’s dialogue. [Imitates him inarticulately]. Very good.
JL: That’s character acting.
WW: Well, let’s see. Both Senator Ford and Joe Laurie have a spot to live up to tonight. Who wants to…
SF: Don’t count me in on this.
WW: No?
SF: Spot!
WW: I’ll get you next then. Here’s Joe Laurie Jr.
JL: Well, this very, very businesslike man was running out of gas in his swell car and he sees a gas station so he drives up, and a very lazy attendant there. And he says, “Come on, son. Come on, boy. Come on. Get a little push in you. I need some gas. Come on. Get a little push in you.” Fellow just rolls along. He says, “Come on. Push is the the thing you need. I started as a little office boy. And I pushed and pushed along, Then I became superintendent. And I pushed and pushed. Then I became manager. And I pushed and pushed.” He says, “I became president of the company. That’s what you need, son. Push, push. Come on. Come on. Get going.” He says, “Well, sir,” he says, “It looks like you got to do a little more pushing, because we ain’t got a drop of gas in this station!”
RB: 1000 on the laugh meter.
WW: …Joe?
JL: If I didn’t I was going to whistle.
WW: With Hershfield’s teeth? Let’s see, Senator. Now it falls on your shoulders clearly and fairly.
SF: Yeah, well, this one is not going to count. I just want to warn you, Ward. You know, there’s always a debate as to whether or not women are good auto drivers. Of course, I think some of them are. But there’s one thing about them. They don’t know much about the mechanics of the car. So up in my hometown a woman drove into the town garage and the mechanic looked at her car and said, “Well, I’ll tell you what’s the matter with this car. You have a short circuit in your wiring.” She said, “A short circuit? Could you lengthen it a little while I waited?” I could tell you. I could tell you. While these guys were telling them I thought of three. There’s another one. There’s a dopey guy up in my hometown by the name of Homer Feemsby. Well, Homer, he went into New York and he bought a car. It wasn’t a secondhand car. It’s what they call a repossessed car. And about two months later he went into the place where he bought it and he said to the salesman, “Did you tell me that you would replace anything that was broke in this car?” The salesman said, “Yes.” He said, “Then give me three front teeth and a collarbone.” And they weren’t Hershfield’s teeth, either.
RB: 1000 on the laugh meter.
WW: We have a solid round.
SF: That went over better than I thought. I’ll save one of those for the next round.
WW: Yeah, don’t tell it until we get there, will you? That makes the first perfect round of the evening.
RB: Another round of jokes will be coming up right after these important words from our fine sponsor.
WW: Alright fellows. Yes dance once again here to continue our contest of wit and humor, here’s a joke which was sent in by Mrs. Roy C. Funk of Greencastle, Pennsylvania, and the subject of this joke is “feud.” Feud.
JL: F-E-U-D.
WW: F-E-U-D.
JL: It’s a fight. It’s a fight.
WW: Not something you eat, Joe. Take it easy. So I’ll play Hatfield and I hope you have the joke to McCoy, Pete.
PD: Yeah, this is about two hillbillies, Zeb and Zeke, and they’d been feuding very bitterly for twenty years, twenty years before this whole thing had started at a little matrimonial deal between the families that Zeb traded Zeke his daughter Lulu for a used bear trap, and after the deal was over, Zeb found he couldn’t keep the bear trap open Zeke found that Lulu wouldn’t keep her trap shut, so they had a big feud. So twenty years go by and one day Zeke comes over to the fence between the two houses. He says, “Morning, Zeb.” He said, “Listen, Zeke. What you speaking to me for after all these twenty years? We’re feuding!” “Well, I’m just over here to tell you that I’m running for the legislature and I don’t want you nor none of your fatheaded gopher-brained voting for me.” He said, “Now, you look here. Me and my family’s been voting the same ticket since grandpappy came to these hills and if you don’t want us voting for you, you better take your name off the ticket.”
WW: There was a brief pause that NBC could have used for station identification. Pete, don’t look for it. It didn’t go anywhere that I can see. Tell you, if I wanted to save breath, I could tell you exactly what you got on the [gap in recording] … Ho ho. Which is sort of a doubles…
SF: It was the pause that does not refresh.
WW: Huh?
SF: It was the pause that does not refresh.
WW: No…
SF: Nevermind. Let it go.
JL: The trap gag in there was really the good gag in there.
WW: It was topped in the punchline. Well, anyway, Mrs. Funk got exactly nothing. Don’t blame me for throwing it away either, Pete. Kick at it too. So, let’s see. She starts off with an original ten dollars. I think each of our three wits might be able to top that .
SF: I feel encouraged on this one.
WW: Well, let’s see how many hands are up. All three should be there. Joe Laurie is the first to venture.
JL: Well, a fellow’s out on the stoop and is hollering, “Help! Help! Help! Help!” And a cop comes over. He said, “What’s the matter?” He says, “I’ve been feuding with my mother in law for twenty years.” He says, “Always arguing and feuding with her and fussing with her.” He says, “Now she wants to jump out of the window.” He says, “Well, let her jump.” He says, “What do you think I’m hollering ‘Help!’ for? She can’t open the window!”
RB: That one made the top. 1000 on the laugh meter.
WW: Which slightly tops Mrs. Funk’s zero.
JL: Take me off the ticket.
WW: Unless Senator Ford’s nose itches, he has his hand up.
SF: Fued, eh? Well, alright. Two fathers were talking, and one said, “How do you discourage your daughter’s young man from staying too late?” The other fellow said, “Just walk into the living room with a box of breakfast fued.” Well, it seems that Finnegan and Dugan had been feuding. You didn’t count that one, did you?
WW: No, I think on your behalf I should have, but we’ll make it a serial instead.
SF: That’s the cream of wit.
WW: Now, Senator.
SF: Harry, you might as well take over, here. Well, no, I can tell the story about Dugan and Finnegan, who had been feuding for a long time, and one day, Dugan, said, “Finnegan,” he says, “I’m better than you are because my ancestral background is a great deal better than yours.” Says, “I’m a descendant of the Boones.” So Finnegan said, “A descendant of the Boones? What Boones?” He said, “I’m a descendant of the Boones of Kentucky.” He said, “To me you look more like a descendant of the Ba-Boones of Africky.”
WW: Well, you scored twice that time, Senator. [gap in recording]
SF:How’d that beat you?
WW: As the second of our two wits could top her, Mrs. Funk is still down there with that same original ten dollars, and Harry?
HH: Well, you gave me a chance to think of a couple of them. I want to toss one in quick. Of course, the worst feuds in the world are family feuds. And they tell one about a guy who walked into a hat store and the clerk said, “What’s your pleasure?” He said, “My mother in law’s arthritis, thank you!” I knew I had remembered some kind of a feud gag. The teacher had said to little Sammy, she wrote the word “feud” on the board and finally he remembered what the word was. He said, “Feud.” She says, “Now, do you know what ‘feud’ is?” He said, “Yes.” “Could you tell something about a feud?” He said, “Certainly I could.” He says, “My father took me to his store one day to visit the store. The first time I was there to meet his partner. And his partner didn’t like him and he didn’t like his partner. And every time they passed each other, they used to say to each other, ‘Phew!’ And that’s the way they phewed all day.”
RB: Hey! 1000 on the laugh meter for that one, Ward.
WW: Giving you three wits a perfect round and Mrs. Funk a miserable day. Well, let’s shoot at them again. Our next joke comes from Mrs. Earl H. Anderson of San Carlos, California, and the subject of this round is something, and I’m not being personal: tramp, gentlemen. Tramp.
SF: Tramp, tramp, tramp. Tramps up here.
WW: Well, if Pete does tramp, tramp, tramp, then you boys will be marching. Here we go.
PD: Well, this happened over in London. A pretty shabby guy went up to the back door of a house and the lady of the house opened the door. She says, “Yes. What is it you want?” Well, he said, “Madam, I was wondering if you could give a hungry man a bite to eat. I’m willing to work. I will chop some wood or wash some dishes or perform some other little chore for you.” She says, “No. Get out of here. I ain’t got no wood to chop. I ain’t got no dishes to wash. I ain’t got no handout for you. There ain’t nothing you can do around here.” Well, he says, “Pardon me, madam. If you haven’t anything else to do, perhaps I could give you some lessons in grammar.”
WW: Well, Pete, the… He went over and retrieved the original joke from the last round.
RB: And that was only 350 on the laugh meter, Ward.
WW: Could you lengthen it a little while I wait? We could wait for that laugh but it’s only a half-hour program after all. Well, let’s see. That starts Mrs. Anderson off with ten dollars. And just what three wits are going to do about it I don’t know, but Harry Hershfield’s hand is upraised, and we’ll find out.
HH: One of the funniest stories of a few years ago was about tramping around the world and it was about a woman had a… A wife, she had to go to upper Montclair. So her husband told her where to get the bus and she went there and he didn’t see her for eight months. So finally she came back after eight months, and he says, “Where were you? You went to get the Montclair bus and eight months later you’re coming? Where were you?” Says, “Well, I went to the bus company and I said to the fellow, ‘Where do I take that bus for upper Montclair?’ He said, ‘Follow that woman.’ How should I know it was Eleanor Roosevelt?”
RB: 1000 on the laugh meter, Ward.
WW: Just what happened to the tramp in the story?
HH: Well, tramp taken as a generalization, it’s anything. Tramp doesn’t mean just bum. Must I explain these words to you?
WW: I didn’t say anything about bums now. Wait a minute. I said tramps. Was he hitchhiking on the bus or something?
HH: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. When you say, “tramp, tramp, tramp, the boys are marching,” those soldiers are not tramps. They’re walking.
WW: Not talking about soldiers, you’re talking about the…
HH: Must I give you a lesson in grammar here? What goes on?
WW: Apparently from that round you can stand it. I’m going to accept the joke but give the lady five dollars anyway. If it isn’t… Oh, yeah. Mrs. Anderson. Okay, Senator, how about you?
SF: Well, Pete’s reminded me of one, I’m sorry to say. Dopey Dildock had a picture of himself and he showed it to Ocky Pop, and Ocky looked at the picture and he said, “Is that a picture of you?” And Dopey said, “Yeah, that’s me.” Ocky said, “That’s bad grammar.” Dopey said, “I know. It’s a bad picture” That doesn’t count, you know.
WW: Bad joke, eh? Well, it counted 500.
SF: Well, anyway, I’m not even going to listen to you on that one. Anyway, a farmer’s wife said to a tramp who knocked at the door, she said, “Aren’t you the same man who was here about a week ago? I gave you a piece of pie. I didn’t expect to see you again.” He said, “I didn’t eat the pie.”
WW: Well, if that was it, Senator?
SF: At least it was a tramp.
WW: Yeah, you got a tramp in there, which makes me feel very happy.
RB: But only 950 is what the laugh meter says, Ward.
WW: Which is slightly more than Mrs. Anderson’s 350. So she still has her fifteen dollars, and, Brother Laurie, are you in this round?
JL: I got a tramp joke! I saw those books. Ten cent tramp gags. This fellow, this tramp rings a bell, doorbell of a farmhouse, and a woman comes out. A terrible-looking woman. She had accordion-pleated teeth and cross eyes and big nose. You know, a terrible-looking woman. And she says, “What do you want?” And he says, “Can I have something to eat?” She says, “Get out of here! I’ll call my husband!” He says, “You husband ain’t home.” Says, “How do you know my husband isn’t home?” He says, “With a puss like that, your husband would only be here at mealtimes!”
RB: 1000 on the laugh meter.
JL: That wasn’t tramp boots.
WW: Now wait a minute. The senator knows another one. Let’s hear it.
SF: Well, two tramps were handed into court, and the judge said, to one of them, “Where do you live?” He said, “In a vacant lot.” He said to the other one, “Where do you live?” He said, “I got the room above him.”
JL: You know, Ward…
WW: That’s in that book that Joe…?
JL: I was just going to tell you that’s on the next page!
SF: I have those dime joke books too, you know!
RB: All the boys will be back with another round of fun after a word from our sponsor.
WW: Let’s get back into business once again, fellows, and here’s a joke sent in by Mr. M. R. Ackerman of Springfield, Massachusetts, and it’s on the subject of something you can all take a swing at: golf.
JL: And miss.
WW: Golf. So I’ll yell “fore” and you pitch, Pete.
PD: Well, it’s about Mr.Abercrombie Fafufnik. He didn’t know how to play golf, but Fafufnik decided that he’d learn to play, so he got himself a fancy outfit and he bought a set of clubs, and he went up in the country and he joined the Watch Your Pivot, You Shouldn’t Make a Divot Golf Club. So the first day he’s out there with a caddy and the clubs and he gets to the first hole. He says, “Caddy boy.” He says, “Caddy boy, I want to quiz you a question.” He says, “On this hole, what is the mileage?” Well, the kids says, “That’s 190 yards.” He says, “190 yards.” He says, “Since when did they shorten it? Oh, 190. That’s hardly a bolt. 190 yards.” He says, “Let me see. Well, give me a club. Eh, should be eppes mein putter.” The kid says, “A putter for 190 yards?” He says, “Mister, you should use a driver.” He says, “Please, caddy boy.” Says, “Don’t make for me a senate investigation with this thing.” He says, “Please.” He says, “I don’t want the driver. I don’t want the nudnik or anything. Give me the putter.” So the kid hands him the putter. Fafufnik swings with the putter and he hits the ball and it lands six inches from the green. So they walk up to the ball and the caddy says, “Well, here’s your mashie.” He says, “Mashie-smashie. I’ll take a driver now.” Kid hands him the driver. He takes a terrific swing. He tops the ball, and it rolls right up to the cup. So they walk over to the cup and the boy looked at him. He says, “Well,” he says, “You’re right on the edge of the cup.” He says, “Now I suppose for this you want a five iron.” He says, “You see, caddy boy, already you’re learning how to play the game.” He says, “Wait a minute.” He says, “That’s right. Give me for this the five iron.” So the boy hands him the five iron. The ball is on the lip of the cup. He takes a terrific swing. He misses the ball but the breeze rolls the ball into the cup. Fafufnik looks into the cup at the ball. He says, “Caddy boy, you know something? Now I’m stuck.”
WW: Right back in form, Peter, and beautifully told. It’s…
RB: 1000 on the laugh meter, Ward.
WW: Giving Mr. Ackerman an automatic twenty-five dollars, and for the second time tonight taxing our wits to the utmost. And the first hand I see raised belongs to Senator Ford.
SF: You know, golf is a game in which they took the cow out of the pasture and let the bull in. Well, anyway, this is another tramp story, come to think about it. A tramp with an old blue serge suit with two pairs of pants went into a pawn shop. He said to the pawnbroker, “What would you give me on this combination golf suit?” The pawnbroker looked at this dirty suit with the two pairs of pants, and he said, “A combination golf suit?” The tramp said, “Yes. If you look at the pants you’ll find a hole in one.
RB: 1000 on the laugh meter.
WW: … Senator, which should make you very happy. That ties Mr. Ackerman, but does not surpass his original 1000. And, Harry, suppose you take a crack at it.
HH: Yeah, well,a lot of women join golf clubs so that they can walk on the field with the men. That’s on the level. So this dame Sadie Drizzlepuss joined this club, and all the other women hated her because she always wanted to pay only with the men, and they’d always tell the score. This fellow did it -- went around and, “Hundred and ten. This went a hundred and forty.” And they all hated her. She’s always come in with the score. And this day they were waiting for her. And finally she came back from the golf grounds and a fellow said, “What did she do? How did Miss Drizzlepuss do?” She said, “She went around in seventy-six.” And the woman said, “Who? With Paul Revere?”
WW: Well, that dood it, Harry.
RB: 1000 on the laugh meter for that one, Ward.
WW: Making this a perfect round thus far and dumping it right in Joe Laurie Jr’s lap.
JL: Jake meets little Montgomery coming back from the gold course. He says, “Well, how’d you do today?” He says, “How did I do?” He says, “I got up on the first tee,” he says, “and I take my driver, sock it 200 yards, then I jump to my car, went over to the rough, picked up the ball, got my niblick, socked it 150 yards, jumped in my car, went to the ball, cut a little mashie shot right up on the green, took my car,” he says, “and I put it out.” He said, “Wait a minute. Wait a minute. What kind of a car do they allow on a golf course?” He says, “A caddy.”
RB: 1000 on the laugh meter.
WW: I’m still going to figure that one out, Joe. A perfect round.
RB: The laugh meter registers 1000 for that joke, Ward.
WW: Well, it seems that’s all the time we’re going to have tonight, folks. So I’d like to ask everyone to join “Can You Top This?” originated by Senator Ford next week, same time, same gang, other jokes, some new, some old. Until then we remain yours for bigger and better laughs.
SF: Edward Ford
HH: Harry Hershfield
JL: Joe Laurie Jr
PD: Peter Donald
WW: Ward Wilson
RB: And this is your host, Roger Bower, saying so long, and take care of yourself until we meet again next time.