CAN YOU TOP THIS?

Original broadcast date unknown -- 1945 or later due to mention of Truman as president

Syndication edit

Emcee: Ward Wilson

Joke teller: Peter Donald

Panel: Senator Ford, Harry Hershfield, Joe Laurie Jr.

(quarrel, dreams, gambling, age)

ANNOUNCER: “Can You Top This?” I know a girl who’s always in such a hurry her stockings have to run to keep up with her! Can you top that, Harry Hershfield?

HARRY HERSHFIELD: I’ll try!

ANC: Can you, Senator Ford?

SENATOR FORD: I didn’t even hear him. What did he say?

ANC: Can you, Joe Laurie Jr?

JOE LAURIE JR: I wasn’t even listening!

CHARLIE STARK: These folks who make jokes bring you another session of “Can You Top This?” And now for the man who lays down the rules so you can pick up the cash, Ward Wilson.

WARD WILSON: Thank you, Charlie Stark. “Can You Top This? Is unrehearsed and spontaneous, and our top rule is “keep them laughing.” Anyone can send in a joke, and if your joke is told by the well-known actor and storyteller Peter Donald, you get ten dollars. Each of the three wits try to top it with another joke on the same subject. Each time they fail to top you, you get five dollars more.

ROGER BOWER: And this is your host, Roger Bower. “Can You Top This?” is made possible by our fine sponsor. Won’t you please listen to this?

WW: How are you fellows feeling tonight? All set?

JL: Yeah.

HH: Yes.

SF: Don’t ask.

WW: Well, that’s good. These three stumped out and the Senator’s fine.

SF: Yeah. Alright.

WW: First… First joke tonight is sent in by Erna E. Nagle of the Bronx, New York, and something with which we’re never associated is the topic. Quarrels. Quarrels, gentlemen. So, Pete, give this one an argument all the way, will you?

PETER DONALD: Well, this is about Sadie DeKalb and Gertrude Gowanis, the two Greenpoint glamour girls, and they were having an awful quarrel one day, and Sadie said, “Listen, Gertrude. You’re really so perturbing. Really, after all, I thought we were so close. We went to finishing school together, and I finished the third grade and you finished the fourth, and, gee whiz, I thought we were just as close as Damon and Runyon. We were practically insufferable friends, Gee whiz, and now I find you’re not my friend at all. You’re just a nasty little snake in the bushes, that’s all.” So Gertrude was surprised. She said, “Sadie, what do you mean saying such awful things?” She said, ‘Well, it’s on account of what you said. My goodness. I told you something very, very personal about our friend Greer Shapiro. Now, I told you something very personal. And didn’t I tell you that that was a secret?” She says, “Yeah, you did.” She says, “Alright. So why did you have to run right away to Greer and tell her everything I said? That’s awful. Honestly, Gertrude, I don’t believe you know what a secret is.” She says, “Oh, I do too know what a secret is. A secret is something that goes in one ear and then into another.”

RB: 850 on the laugh meter for that joke, Ward.

WW: Gives our three wits a little latitude between there and the top, and I see two hands raised. Let’s see what Joe Laurie has to say.

JL: Well, a fellow was running out of a house and he hollered “Help! Help! Help!” And finally he yells “help” so much a cop runs up to him and says, “What’s the idea? What’s the matter?” He says, “Oh, I just had a quarrel with my mother in law.” He says, “So what about it?” He says, “Now she wants to jump out of the window.” He says, “Well, if your mother in law wants to jump out of the window, why don’t you let her jump out of the window?” He says, “What do you think I’m hollering ‘help’ for? I can’t open the window!”

WW: Very solid, Joe.

RB: 1000 on the laugh meter, Ward.

HH: Tight window!

WW: Miss Nagel holds her original ten dollars, However, and Harry Hershfield had his hand up second.

HH: Well, here’s an old gag that fits at the moment anyhow with the world situation. Fellow goes into a restaurant and he said, “I’d like to have a corned beef sandwich.” And the waiter said, “Without what kind of bread do you want it?” The guy said, “Are you nuts? What do you mean without what kind of bread I want it?” He said, “I got to know. I got to know without what kind of bread you want it.” He said, “Alright. Without white bread.” So the guy leaves, comes back in a minute. He says, “You’ll have to take it without rye bread. We ain’t go no white bread.”

RB: 900 is the final score on the laugh meter, Ward.

WW: Which tops Miss Nagel’s 850 by a very close margin, and so far in this round we have heard nothing from the senator. See what he’s going to do about Miss Nagel’s ten dollars.

SF: I’m not interested in her ten bucks. As a matter of fact, I’d like to give her some more and probably will. I mean in the contest here. Little Oscar Fotzengoggle’s mother and father had a, they had a fine knock-down and drag-out quarrel, if you want to call it that. It was really one-sided because his mother was doing all the talking. The old man was doing all the listening. He couldn’t even get a word in edgewise. He couldn’t even get a semicolon in, as a matter of fact. So just about that time, little Oscar ran in. He says, “Papa, papa, why was Adam created before Eve? Why was Adam created before Eve?” And the old man says, “I’ll tell you, my son. Man was created before woman to give the poor lug a chance to say something.”

WW: Do you want to guess first, Senator?

SF: 950.

WW: Correct. Right on the nose. Which also tops Miss Nagel’s 850, so we send Miss. Nagel ten dollars.

RB: Don’t go away. We’ll have another round of jokes in a few moments.

WW: Back to the business of jokes. This one’s sent in by Mr. T. Murphy of New York City on the subject of dreams this time. May they all be happy. Dreams. So, Peter, snore through this one, will you?

PD: Pat and Mike met on the street, and Mike, being a very affable fellow, said, “Ah, hello there, Patty me boy. How are you this bright and effervescent afternoon?” So he said, “Hello, Mike. I’m terrible, terrible, terrible. That’s all. Ahh! I am terrible, terrible, terrible.” He says, “Well, what’s your trouble. I notice your face seems to be so long you look like you’re carrying your bridgework in a snood today. What’s wrong?” He says, “What’s wrong? I’ll tell you what’s wrong. I’ll tell you what’s troubling me.” He says, “Wednesday night, I had a dream. Ah, it was a beautiful dream I had. It was all about peaches. And on Thursday night, I had a beautiful dream about apples. And on Friday night, I had a dream about pears. So, Saturday being me afternoon off, I went to the races, you know. I’m not much of a gambling man entirely, but, sure enough, there in the second race, there was three horses named Peaches, Apples, and Pears. So he said, “That’s a marvellous hunch. I suppose you put a bet on one of them.” He says, “On one of them? On one of them? Oh-ho. I put ten dollars on peaches to win, ten dollars on apples to win, and ten dollars on pears to win.” He says, “Well, did they win?” He says, “Did they win?” He says, “For the love of Mike, they’re still running, and the horse that won was named Fruit Salad!”

RB: Well, you certainly did justice to that one, Peter. 1000 on the laugh meter.

WW: Automatically giving Mr. Murphy twenty-five dollars, putting you boys out just for the laughs, and on the subject of dreams the senator had his hand up first.

SF: I’ll take a chance and follow Pete’s 1000. Wouldn’t make an difference anyway. This one was in the Reader’s Digest. I’ll try to tell it as well as I can remember it. A very charming little old spinster -- she was over seventy years old -- went to the doctor and stated her ailments, both real and imaginary, but what she was most interested in was that she had a recurring dream in which a handsome young man made violent love to her. So the doctor was duly sympathetic and he said, “I’ll see that you sleep better.” He said, “I’ll give you some powders.” Well, in about three days, she came back and she was still very woeful, and he said, “Don’t tell me you didn’t sleep any better.” She said, “Yes, yes. That’s just it. I’m sleeping too well. Doctor, you know, I certainly miss that young man!” Blame it on the Reader’s Digest.

WW: Well, you missed the top by just 250, Senator.

RB: 750 on the laugh meter for that joke, Ward.

WW: Which doesn’t top Mr. Murphy’s 1000, of course, and, Harry, I think you were second.

HH: Well, here’s a pretty good commentary on the world situation. Churchill, Truman, and Stalin met for their meeting at Tehran, and Churchill said, “I had a peculiar dream last night. I had a peculiar dream that I became prime minister of the whole world.” And Truman said, “That’s a funny thing. I dreamt I became president of the whole world.” Stalin looked up. Said, “I don’t remember appointing you gentlemen.”

RB: Good going, Harry. The laugh meter says 1000.

WW: Now we turn on the faucet of another joke here, and this one’s sent in by John W. Lynch of Brooklyn, New York, on the subject of gambling this time. Gambling.

PD: Can I use that apple salad?

WW: Yeah. Pete, I hope you come up with a natural.

PD: Well, some fellows were having a little poker party one afternoon, and everything was going fine. They were playing cards and doing pretty good until all of a sudden, one of them jumped up, and he says, “Herkimer!” He says, “You dirty crook! You’re cheating! You’re not playing the cards I know I’m dealing you!” So the other guy protested and they get in a big fight and they back such a racket that the cop on the beat hears it. He comes in, he breaks up the gambling party, and, boy, they’re all hauled into court. So the judge gets them all up there and he says, “Gentlemen,” he says, “this is a very serious charge.” He says, “But what I want to know is: What were you doing gambling in the afternoon? Why weren’t you working on your jobs?” So one guy says, “Well, I was on the job, your honor,” he said, “I have nothing to do with this, you see. I’m a plumber. I was just in that apartment fixing a pipe.” So the judge looked a little dubious, but he looked around and he pointed his gavel at another guy. He said, “Alright. You. What’s your occupation?” This kind of a goofy guy says, “Me? Judge, I’m a locksmith.” He says, “You’re a locksmith, huh? Well, what were you doing when the police broke into the room?” He says, “Me? I was making a bolt for the door!”

WW: Might not be a bad idea, Pete! A gesture with a beat on the joke added another 200.

RB: 650 is what the laugh meter registers, Ward.

WW: Boys have plenty of latitude now. You can really toss them around.

JL: And like it too.

WW: However, he has ten dollars to start with, and, Senator, I think your hand was raised first.

SF: Well, I know another finish to that gag that Pete just told. Maybe it would be just as good. I don’t know. Well, anyway, the gag, as I remember it way back, was about the same gambling incident and this fellow was brought up before the judge, and the judge said, “What’s your name?” And he said, “Smith.” He said, “What do you do for a living?” He said, “I’m a locksmith.” The judge says, “Lock Smith up.”

WW: Is that your sole contribution or just to show us what Pete could have done?

SF: How did it do?

WW: Look! Look!

SF: That’s it!

WW: Senator Ford’s perpetual 950 once again! Well, let’s see. Who else do we have in here? How about you, Joe?

JL: Yeah. Mr. Epistein had a son, a fellow, he was saying, he was so mad, he says, “Montgomery, you are a bum. You’re a dope! You’re a bum!” He says, “What’s the matter, Daddy?” He says, “What’s the matter, Daddy? What’s the matter, Daddy? You’re gambling. You’ve turned out to be a no-good bum. A dope. You lose your money.” He says, “Aw, Pop.” He says, “Aw, Pop. Aw, Pop. I say you are a gambler. You should cut it out.” He said, “But, Pop, listen.” He says, “I only gamble for small stakes.” He says, “Oh! If it’s for something to eat I don’t mind.”

WW: Were you holding hands with the senator then, Joe?

RB: Only 950 is what the laugh meter says, Ward.

WW: Well, ooh. Also topping Mr. Lynch’s 650. Still hanging on to that ten dollars tenaciously. And, Harry, we haven’t heard from you yet.

HH: I’m going to tell you a true story. This is about a fellow named Max of the Stage Delicatessen. This is on the level. He likes to go to the races. So he’s rushing to Jamaica with his car, and he’s speeding along, and a cop grabbed him. Says, “Get over there. What’s the matter with this speed? Where are you going?” He says, “I’m awful sick. I’m sick.” He said, “Don’t give me that stuff. You’re sick. You’re going to play the races.” He says, “Certainly I’m going to play the races. Oi, is that a sickness!”

WW: Take a look, Harry. Everybody’s shaking hands now, because that joke also got 950. Well, the sad news for Mr. Lynch but good news for you three, tying each other.

RB: We’ll be right back with our next round of jokes after these few commercial words.

WW: Sent in by Irene Sukalner of Trenton, New Jersey. Oh, my old home town. I was born there. This is on the subject -- I hate to comment on this -- age. Age, gentlemen. Not anything to do with the jokes, I hope. So, Peter, see how well you can do by Trenton, New Jersey.

PD: Well, it seems that Mrs. Fafufnik got on the trolley car. Mrs. Fafufnik got on the trolley car and she had her son with her, but he just put one nickel in the box and she had the kid by the hand and they started to proceed. So the conductor said, “Hey, lady! Lady, how about the kid? How old is he?” She ignored him. She said, “Come darling. Find a seat for mama, Geronimo. Come on.” So the conductor said, “Hey, lady. Did you hear me? How old is that boy?” She says, “Don’t pay any attention to the man, darling, he’s trying to flirt with your mama. A nasty man, trying to flirt like that. When you grow up someday you’ll come back here and you’ll punch his transfer for him.” The conductor says, “When he grows up?” He says, “Holy cow. That kid is so old he could have gone sledding on San Juan Hill.” He says, “Tell me, how old is that champagne Charlie you got with you there?” So she says, “Geronimo, darling, don’t pay any attention. Just sit nice and quiet and don’t throw away your lollipop yet. Remember we’re still on daylight saving time.” So the conductor walked over to her. He says, “Listen, lady. Are you deaf? I asked how old is that kid. Now, when’s his birthday?” So Fafufnik, she turned around, and she said, ‘So what do you want to know for? You want to give him maybe a birthday party?”

RB: 900 is the final score on the laugh meter, Ward.

WW: That time…

PD: [Fafufnik voice] Get a 50 up there also?

WW: No, the 50 isn’t ignited. Or lit up, shall we say? Hate that phrase “lit up.” Miss Sukalner now has ten dollars. You boys have a little latitude there to top her, and Senator, I think your hand was up first once again.

SF: Yeah, well, Pete’s gag kind of reminds me of one that worked on my favorite railroad, the Wrong Island Railroad. You know, the commuters, or not the commuters so much, but most of the people who travel on it are always complaining the trains are late and so forth and so on. Well, one day the conductor was picking up the tickets about halfway up on the island, and a woman handed him a full fare and a half fare. And he said, “What’s that half fare for?” She said, “My boy here.” So the conductor looked at this big lummox and he says, “A boy? He’s no boy. He’s a man.” She says, “Well, he was a boy when this train started!”

WW: Looks like tie scores, Senator. You…

RB: 900.

WW: Tying Miss. Sukalner’s 900, therefore she has fifteen dollars now due to your generosity. And Harry, what are you going to do about it?

HH: Yeah. A little kid about eight years old, a little bobby-socker, goes into a store and she’s looking at the perfume counter, and she sees all the perfumes there, but all she sees there is a bottle called “My Sin” and “I Surrender.” So she says, “Manager, have you got something for a beginner?”

WW: What happened is everybody turned around and saw the same 900. Everybody has the same disease on this particular round. Miss Sukalner probably is very happy because that ups her ante another five dollars, maker her now holding twenty dollars, and Joe, let’s see what you can do.

JL: Yeah, I’ve got one. Fellow goes into an antique store. He looks around a while. He says, the fellow there says, “What can I do for you?” He says, “I’m just browsing around.” He says, “Well, I can show you something. What do you want?” He says, “I’m looking around. Something old. I’m… That’s my hobby. Antiques.” He says, “Well, this is the place.” Says, “Can I interest you in a good bed?” He says, “Yes. Have you got something different?” He says, “Oh, have I got a bed? An antiquey!” And he takes him in back of the store. He says, “Here’s a bed,” he says, “that Julius Caesar and George Washington slept in.” He says, “What?” He says, “Julius Caesar and George Washington slept in that bed.” He says, “Aw, that’s impossible. Julius Caesar and Washington slept in that bed!” He says, “What’s the matter? It’s a double bed, ain’t it?”

WW: Well, it’s almost unbelievable, but there it is. Another 900 and that makes it an unanimous 900 round that time. So for Miss Sukalner’s benefit, of Trenton, New Jersey, we inform her that she’s now the possessor of twenty-five dollars. Fellows, we have about two and a half minutes here at our disposal. I don’t think we can quite get another full round of stories in unless we work awfully fast . Don’t know what you have been dreaming up over the past week you might talk over, have a little clown table discussion.

SF:Well, Harry reads the newspapers. He knows what’s going on.

HH: Well, what can you talk on a night like this except the heat?

SF: Say, Harry. Excuse me a minute. What did we all get on that last round, Ward? 900?

WW: 900.

SF: Everybody?

WW: Everybody.

SF: Wait a minute. I got another gag on age. Maybe something could happen here, you know? Dopey Dildock was keeping company with a girl, and he said, “Do you know, I wish I was born in the dark ages.” She said, “So do I. You look terrible in the light.”

HH: I still want to talk about the heat. I heard a screwball gag today. I want to tell it. A fellow… You know they say you’re “hot and bothered?” More tempers are lost during the heat than any other time. So a fellow’s telling. He says, “Two fellows are walking in the hot sun and all of a sudden one fellow went berserk and he pulled out his revolver and he shot six bullets into the other guy and all six bullets went right to his body.” He said, “Did he die?” He said, “No, he was saved by the cross-ventilation.”

WW: Look at the laugh. Right back to 900 again.

JL: You know, every time you talk about heat it reminds me of Judge Wallace C. Kelly’s gag he tells about how hot it was in Texas. He says, “It was such a hot day I saw a bulldog chasing a rabbit and they were both walking.”

HH: Well, I’ll tell one the reverse of that. The reverse of that on weather. Remember the husband who was comfortably seated in the house? And his wife said, “Sam, close the window. It’s cold outside.” So he gets down, he slams down the windows, he said, “Now it’s warmer outside?”

SF: A schoolteacher said to a little boy who was kind of backward, she said, “Do you know when I was your age I could name all the presidents of the United States?” He said, “Well, when you were my age there were only three or four of them.” That’s another one for age.

WW: Join us again next week. Same time, same gang, other jokes, some new, some old. Until then we remain yours for bigger and better laughs:

SF: Senator Ford

HH: Joe Laurie Jr.

JL: David Warfield   

PD: That’s about how old you are. Peter Donald.

WW: Ward Wilson.

RB: And this is your host, Roger Bower, saying so long, and take care of yourself until we meet again next time.