CAN YOU TOP THIS

Apparently a composite recording from three of four different broadcasts. A round on “information” with a joke sent in by a Joan Mochette from a Ward Wilson-hosted episodes with Harold Hoffman on the panel seems to have been spliced with a round on the same subject from a Roger Bower-hosted episode that had Fred Hillebrand on the panel, this one that featured a joke sent in by a Mrs. Clayton. The Hoffman episode is possibly from 1953, when NBC promoted his appearances on the panel, and the Hillebrand episode possibly from 1954, when Bower was emceeing and Joe Laurie Jr. was dead. The third round seems to come from an episode with Bert Lytell as the third panelist, possibly from 1953 due to Wilson hosting and the absence of Laurie. The fourth round on trickery seems to have been spliced with another round on the same subject, one with a joke from a  Mrs. Charles S. Gossam, and one from a Mr. Kettner. The fourth round includes Harold Hoffman, and it’s unclear if it’s from the same broadcast as the first round or not.

Emcee: Ward Wilson

Joke teller: Peter Donald

Panel: Senator Ford, Harry Hershfield, Governor Harold Hoffman .

Emcee: Roger Bower

Joke teller: Peter Donald

Panel: Senator Ford, Harry Hershfield, Fred Hillebrand

Emcee: Ward Wilson

Joke teller: Peter Donald

Panel: Senator Ford, Harry Hershfield, Bert Lytell.

(suggestion, information, taxi, trickery)

JACK COSTELLO: “Can You Top This?” Welcome to another laugh session with “Can You Top This?” and starring Harry Hershfield

HARRY HERSHFIELD: Howdy.

JC: Former governor of New Jersey Harold Hoffman

GOVERNOR HAROLD HOFFMAN: Hiya.

JC: Senator Ford

SENATOR FORD: Greetings.

JC: Now here’s your master of ceremonies for “Can You Top This?” Ward Wilson.

WARD WILSON: Thank you, Jack Costello. “Can You Top This?” is unrehearsed and spontaneous, and our top rule is “keep them laughing.”Everybody’s invited to send in a joke, and if your story is told by our master storyteller Peter Donald, you start with twenty-five dollars. Each time a wit ties or tops you, you lose five dollars. In addition, if you top all of our wits, you’ll receive a recording of Peter Donald telling your story on the air. Laughs are registered on the “Can You Top This?” laugh meter in full view of our studio audience, and, in all cases, the decision of our judges is final. Well, fellows, it’s a [speaking mock Scots] bhreagh bright moonleght neght tonicht. I think. So everybody on this panel ready and willing to go to work?

HH and GHH: Ready.

SF: Sure. Yeah.

WW: Alright? Okay. Here’s the first joke, and this one’s submitted by Edward Murphy. Edward Murphy of Brooklyn, New York, and the subject is suggestion. Suggestion. Being married, I imagine you’ve heard something along this line, and my suggestion to you, Pete: get going.

PETER DONALD: Yeah, alright. This is about a little Irish friend of mine by the name of Ajax Cassidy and one day he walks into a tavern and he says, “Oh my,” he said, “I’m thirsty. Oh, my. I’m so dry. Oh dear. Oh, I’ve never been so thirsty in me life.” He says, “You know, they say a camel can go thirty days without water. Well, so can I. I’ll have a beer, bartender.” So the fellow brings over the beer and he drinks it and he says, “Hm. Yeah. I’ll have another one too.” Bartender pours another one. He wallops that down. He says, “Eh, one more if you don’t mind.” Bartender brings that. He has about five more beers, and he says, “Bartender,” he says, “I’d like a word with your proprietor.” Fellow said, “Oh, yes, sir, that’s him standing right over there by the cash register.” He goes over and he says, “Excuse me, young man.” He says, “This is something of a rather personal nature, but,” he says, “would you mind telling me how many kegs of beer you sell here in a week?” Fellow says, “Yeah, we sell thirty-five kegs of beer in a week.” He says, “Thirty-five kegs in a week. Imagine that. Thirty-five kegs of beer.” He says, “You know, me boy, I have a suggestion whereby you could sell seventy-five kegs a week.” Fellow says, “Sell seventy-five kegs of beer instead of thirty-five? How?” He says, “How? When you serve the customers, have the bartender fill up their glasses once in a while.”

WW: Not much of a head on that one, Pete. 500 was the amount on the “Can You Top This?” laugh meter, so you allow our three wits a little latitude on this round, although Mr. Murphy does start with twenty-five. How many hands up to start the operations here? Senator? No. Harold? No. Harry? Well, let’s start with the senator this time.

SF: Ole Svengaard went to call on his girlfriend and they sat on the sofa there holding hands for an hour in complete silence. So finally Ole said, “Helga, will you marry me?” And Helga said, “Yes, Ole, I will.” Then another hour of complete silence. So finally, she said, “Ole, why don’t you say something?” And Ole said, “I think I said too much already.”

WW: Well, you said it up to 850 on the laugh meter. That tops Mr. Murphy’s 500, so he’s reduced financially to twenty dollars, and we move over to Harry Hershfield.

HH: I’d like to tell you this quick, that President Roosevelt’s favorite story -- this is on the level -- was the one about the hillbilly that was calling on a girl for a year, and finally the father of the girl came to this hillbilly. Says, “You’ve been calling on my daughter now for a year. Are your intentions honorable or dishonorable?” Says, “You mean I got a choice?” But there’s an old man dying and he’s… Nobody can help me. No doctor can help him any. Nobody. So finally the sons figured out to get a hypnotist. So they bring in the hypnotist and the old man in laying there. He don’t know what it’s all about, and the hypnotist goes to work on him, moves his hands and “mono vono” and all those things. “Ohh, tassel a muka.” He’s giving it out like this. And slowly the old man’s eyelids close. Fifteen minutes later the old man’s eye opens on the left. He looks at his son. He says, “Has that crazy dope gone away yet?”

WW: Well, crazy dope or no, Harry, it was 800 that time on the “Can You Top This?” laugh meter. Also tops Mr. Murphy’s 500, reducing him cash-wise to fifteen dollars, and let’s get in now with Harold Hoffman.

GHH: My story is about another one of Peter Donald’s friends, Mrs. Sadie Papufnik, and she goes into the police station, the nearest precinct station, and they refer her to the missing person bureau, because she wants to report that her husband has been missing for two days. So the sergeant gets out a pad, and he said, “Well, now, Mrs. Papufnik, I would suggest that you give us first a description of your husband.” She says, “Oi, a tall man. He’s about six feet, and he’s got beautiful blue eyes and he’s got black wavy hair,” and there’s a patrolman standing near and he said, “Now, just a minute, lady, just a minute.” He says, “I know your husband. Your husband is a little, short, baldheaded, bowlegged shrimp.” She says, “Yeah, but who wants him back?”

WW: You got back alright, Harold. 1000 the amount that time on the “Can You Top This?” laugh meter. So Mr. Murphy’s reduced another five dollars, bringing him down to a total of ten dollars on the evening’s submission of a joke on “suggestion.” We carry on with a joke from Florence, Colorado. It’s submitted by Joan Mochette, and the subject of her joke is information, gentlemen. Information. Pete?

PD: This happened over in England. They have those great inns over there, those wonderful old saloons, you know. And they have a lot of atmosphere and those terrific names. The Swan and Crown and The Bull and Bear and The Abbott and Costello and whatever. All these wonderful old inns, and there were two locals, two little cockneys, leaning up against the corner of the public house bar. One fellow puts down his mug of ale. He says, “I say, Herbert,” he says, “did you hear about Whatshisname?” He said, “Oh, yeah. Him. I heard about him. What about him?” Well, he says, “I don’t know if you heard what I heard about Whatshisname, but what I heard: he returned from wherever he was, you know, and he’s gone to that you know that thingamajig over at howdoyoucallit, and he married Whatshisname’s sister. Did you hear about that?” Fellow says, “Well, yes, as a matter of fact, that’s what I did hear in a general way, but this is the first time I heard all the details.”

ROGER BOWER: That was 1000 on the laugh meter, Pete, 1000. So here’s Mrs. Clayton’s position. She has registered 1000 on the laugh meter and would like to register twenty-five dollars in the cash book. Any hands? Harry Hershfield had his hand up first.

HH: First I heard one I think is up to the minute. A guy gets one of those tax blanks to send in and sign it regarding his estimated tax, so he says to his wife, “I’m going to send it back unsigned.” Said, “Can you do that?” He says, “I’ll do it. If I have to get guess how much I’m going to make, then let them guess who sent it back.” There’s a bunch of women at a club. Oh, and all afternoon they play cards and they drink and they tell stories they shouldn’t tell and all that kind of stuff, and there’s one little dame who always comes in, kind of kibbitzes, but she doesn’t join them, but she’s always a Calamity Jane, telling of everything that’s going to happen, and finally they said, “Listen, let’s.. this… We got to get rid of this woman. The next time she comes up we’ve got to insult her. Let’s all get up and rush out of the room. Leave her alone.” So they wait for her. Finally she comes in this next day. She said, “I hear the United States government is going to take all the lady tramps that smoke and drink, all these lady bums, and they’re going to put them on a ship and send them to Patagonia.” Withal they got up to run out. She said, “What’s your rush? The boat don’t leave till Saturday?”

RB: Your boat left as of now, Harry. You got 1000 on the laugh meter, you tied Mrs. Clayton’s 1000, and so we chop away, as is customary in those instances, five dollars, giving her now twenty dollars, and Fred Hillebrand, is that your hand up there?

FRED HILLEBRAND: Yes it is.

RB: Go right ahead, my boy.

FH: Here’s one that dates me. It sends me solid. It’s cool. It’s really young. Years ago in Pleasure Bound -- that was a show played here for a year at the Majestic Theater. Jack Berle starred, Phil Baker, whole big cast. Well, Jack told this story in the show and I’d like to tell it. Of course, I haven’t the Dutch accent. This fellow was in a mental institution and he’s peeking through the fence there when a farmer drives by with a wagon and the fellow inside says, “What have you got there? What have you got there, farmer?” And the fellow said, “Fertilizer.” He says, “Yeah?” He says, “Where are you going with it?” He says, “Down the road to the farm here.” He says, “What are you going to do with it?” He says, “I’m going to put it on our strawberries.” So the inmate, he started to laugh. He says, “Lookit. You better come in here with us. We put sugar and cream on ours.”

RB: Well, you put it up the laugh meter too.

FH: It was up there. That’s all I wanted to know.

RB: Yes, sir. You tied Mrs. Clayton’s 1000. We chop away five dollars. She now has fifteen dollars. On the other hand, Senator Ford, your hand should be up. You want to go in?

SF: Well, I guess there’s nobody left but me. Well, this is a story about a woman. You know, you can’t beat women. If they want to get even with you, it’s just too bad. Well, this woman went into a post office and she went up to a window and she said to a grouchy-looking clerk, “I want a three-cent stamp.” He said, “Look, lady. Can’t you read? Right up above this window, it says, ‘Information.’ I don’t sell stamps. You get the stamps down the hall.” So she gave him a dirty look, and, of course, she didn’t give it to him. He had it before she arrived. But anyway, she walked down the hall and bought herself a three-cent stamp and she came back to the same window. She said, “Is this the information window?” Said, “Can’t you read the sign up there?” Said, “Alright, then tell me this. If I mail this letter now, will it be in New York tomorrow?” He said, “Yes, it will.” She said, “That’s funny. It’s addressed to Indianapolis.”

RB: That’s also funny, Senator. Well, inasmuch as all three of you wits tied Mrs. Clayton’s 1000, we send her with our very best wishes, ten dollars.

WW: Well, fellows, let’s get on to another subject here. This one’s submitted by David Dressler of New York City and this is on the subject of taxi. Taxi. So the flag is up, Peter, and it’s in your direction.

PD: Well, this is about my Brooklyn friend, this girl Sadie Dekalb, and apparently this particular day she’s in an awful hurry to catch a train or something so she rushes over to this cab and she says, “Driver,” she says, “I want you to get me to Grand Central Station right away. Hurry up. I’m in such a rush. I’ve got to catch the Twentieth Century Liniment and I’m very, very rushed.” So the fellow says, “Okay, lady,” and he throws the flag and he, off he goes, and he’s trying to get her there and he’s weaving in and our of traffic and he starts to cheat on a few red lights. He’s making a couple of illegal turns, and all of a sudden, along comes a policeman in a prowl car, pulls him over. This great big policeman gets out. He says, “Listen, buster,” he says, “Do you by any chance know we got traffic regulations in this city? Now I’m going to throw the book at you. Do you know…?” And she in the back seat, she says, “Listen, officer.” He says, “Quiet, lady. Now just a minute. This man was endangering your life, and I’m going to tell him.” And he starts laying out the taxi driver. He’s bawling him out, and she says, “Officer, please.” He says, “Now, lady, don’t interfere with the law. This man nearly… I’m going to tell him.” And he goes on again for about five minutes bawling out the cab driver. She says, “Officer, for goodness sake.” He says, “Wait a minute, madam.” He says, “What’s the matter with you? I’m bawling this man out because he was endangering your life. I’m protecting you. You don’t want to get killed in a taxi accident, do you?” She says, “No. But I don’t want to die broke, either. Turn off the meter!”

WW: Oh, no question on that one, Petey, a zooming 1000, so we start Mr. Dressler off with twenty-five dollars and see what our wits can do with that. Alright, Harry. You’re first.

HH: There are a million taxi ones, but I want to throw this in first. I heard it just the other day. One taxi driver said to another, “How do you keep your car so nice and shiny?” He said, “I keep pushing it through the crowds.” But I have a favorite story. There’s a husband who was a kind of a wolf, and every night he would go to a certain cafe , flirt with the gals in there, then he would take the same taxi cab that would always be in front of this cafe to escort her home. So in the cab he’d make love to this girl and escort her home. Went for weeks this way. Then it came his wife’s birthday and of all places she wanted to go to this special cafe, and he couldn’t get out of it. So they go to the cafe. He’s trusting to luck. He goes into the cafe and they have some drinks, the wife and he, and she’s very gay and everything. Then as they come out to go home, that cab of all cabs is in front and she wants that cab and now he can’t get away from it because the cab man knows him. So he goes into the cab with his wife and they’re riding and the wife is getting to an argument with him all of a sudden. She finally starts to punch him and the cab man turned around and says, “Listen, buddy. You can’t win every time. Let’s go back and get another dame.”

WW: Harry, I’m going to credit you with 900. You got one of those flickeroos too, but it looked a little suspicious to me, so we give you 900. Bert, we’ll call you in second.

BERT LYTELL: Well, Ward, this is the story of a synthetic taxi. You know those cabs, they drive through Central Park? This happens to be a true story. Well, they all park along Central Park South, and I have a speaking acquaintance with all of them. Funny characters, you know, with the high hat, nearly always with a cigar butt. Walking the dog last summer and an old lady with corrective glasses on, very thick ones, is examining the wheels and then the upholstery and the cabbie is up there with a cigar looking at her, and presently she looked up and says, “Pardon me, sir. Are you the cabbie?” He says, “No, lady. I’m the horse. We’re often mistaken for each other.”

WW: 800 is the amount, Mr. Lytell. So, Senator, have you got a good joke that you can tell in about a half a minute?

SF: Yeah.

WW: Alright.

SF: There’s a little old lady who lives up in my home town and she’s never been to New York before and she got off the train at the Pennsylvania Station, got herself a cab, and this driver starts off on two wheels, he’s making cushion shots off the parked cars, runs through red lights, and finally she says, “Look here, young man. You drive a little slower. This is the first time I ever rode in a taxi.” He says, “You got nothing on me, lady. This is the first time I ever drove one.”

WW: Senator, you looked just in time. What did you see?

SF: I was waiting for that lady, who…

WW: It was 400 on the meter and none of you wits tied or topped Mr. Dressler, so he gets a prize of twenty-five dollars, plus a recording of Pete telling his story on the air. Mrs. Charles S. Gossam of Maribel, Wisconsin gives you your next test, gentlemen, and the subject is trickery. Trickery. So, Pete, prove to us that it’s no trickery to get that 1000, will you?

PD: Okay, Wardy. This is about a woman. She had a vacation, and she went down to Rio de Janeiro. Well, she’s one of these souvenir hunters, and she was buzzing around buying things and shopping for the souvenirs, and finally when she got ready to come back, she found that she hadn’t got enough money left to pay for the duty, you know, because down there in Rio the unit of monetary exchange in the peso, and that means you peso much for this, you can’t afford that. So she decides the only thing she can do is sneak some of these souvenirs off the boat. Well, she comes down off the ship over at the pier and the customs inspector comes over. He says, “Alright, lady. You got anything to declare?” She says, “Oh, no. No. Nothing at all. Nothing.” He said, “Well, I don’t want to make any personal madam, but” he says, “there happens to be a tail hanging down under your coat.” He says, “You should either wear longer coats or smuggle shorter minks. I don’t know which.” “Oh,” she says, “That’s nothing.” She says, “That’s an old secondhand fur.” He said, “Secondhand? It looks new to me.” She says, “Oh, no. It isn’t new.” She says, “After all, the mink wore it for three or four seasons.” He says, “Now, wait a minute, sister. Don’t get fresh with the United States government.” He says, “Just because you’re being wise, I think I’ll look through this trunk.””Oh,” she says, “no. There’s nothing in there but wearing apparel. Nothing but wearing apparel.” He says, “Wait a minute,” and he opens the trunk. Right there in the front there’s two beautiful bottles of fine brandy worth about sixty-five bucks a bottle. He says, “Ah-ha. Madam, you are going to tell me, a representative of the United States government, that these bottles of old brandy are wearing apparel?” She says, ‘Why, certainly. Those are my husbands nightcaps.”

WW: Well, good nightcaps to our three wits if they try to top that one, because it was a 1000 on the “Can You Top This?” laugh meter. Pete, you got there.  Now, let’s see what our three wits can do as Mr. Kettner starts out with twenty-five dollars and we start off tonight with Senator Ford.

SF: Well, talking about trickery -- [coughs] excuse me. The other night at the Lambs we had a magicians’ night. Dunninger, Blackstone, all the big magicians were there, which recalls the magician who, years ago, worked with a parrot, and every time he’d make something disappear, the parrot would say, “Fake. Phony.” And, of course, that would get laughs. So during World War II he joined a USO unit to entertain the servicemen, and halfway across the Pacific, the ship hit a floating mine and blew up. Well, the magician happened to get a hold of some wreckage and he held on there, and for two days he held on to this spar that was floating around, and the parrot was on his shoulder. For two days, nothing was said. Finally, the parrot cocked his head and looked at him. He said, “Look, mac. I’ve been working with you a long time.” He said, “I know all of your tricks, but this one’s got me stumped. What did you do with the ship?”

WW: By the same token, what did you do with the meter but get 1000 that time, Senator? So you tie Mr. Kettner, but you don’t supersede him, of course, and I think Harold Hoffman had his hand up second.

GHH: About trickery, it seems that Clancy met O’Brian and O’Brian was looking very downhearted and discouraged and Clancy said, “What’s the matter with you, Mike?” He said, “What’s the matter? “ He says, “I’m having trouble at home, having trouble with me wife.” He says, “You know I like to go out nights have a few beers with the boys and,” he said, “every time I come home,” he says, “Mary Ellen just raises the devil with me. Once or twice she beat me up,” and he says, “I don’t know what to do. I’m leading a dog’s life.” He says, “Well, what you got to do is resort to a little trickery.” He said, “Now, I’ll tell you what I do. I like to go out too and drink and have some fun with the boys, but,” he said, “I’ll tell you what I do,” he says, “I fool Meg.” He says, “When I come home,” he says, “When I come in the house, no matter what time of night it is, down at the foot of the stairs,” he says, “I take off my shoes, I hold them in my hand. I take off all my clothes and I hang them over me arm. I go upstairs and I jump quick in bed and if it should disturb Margaret a little bit and she wakes up, she thinks I’ve been there for a long while, do you see?” He said, “You got to use a little trickery like that if you want to get along with your wife.” He said, “It’s a good idea. I’ll try it.” So about a week later, Clancy again met O’Brian, still looking very dejected. He said, “What’s the matter?” He said, “A fine friend you are of mine.” Well, he said, “Did you try the trick I taught?” He says, “I tried it, yeah.” He says, “You know, I went way downtown to McSorley’s. I had a few ales.” He said, “Then after that,” he says, “I went over to O’Hara’s saloon,” he said, “after McSorley’s had closed, and,” he said, “I had a few shots with the boys, and,” he said, “I remembered what you told me,” he said, “so when I started for home uptown,” he said, “I did just what you told me. At the foot of the stairs, I stopped,” he said, “I took off all me clothes, hung them over me arm, I took off me shoes, held them in me hand,” he says, “and I sneaked very quiet up to the stop of the tairs, and,” he says, “a gust of the wind hit me, and what do you think?” He said, “I was coming out of the 42^nd Street subway station.”

WW: Almost made that 1000, Harold. 950 was the amount that time, and we still have to hear from Harry Hershfield in this round.

HH: Well, Fred Stone, formerly of Montgomery and Stone, probably one of the most famous beloved actors in the world, and I hope he’s listening in because he gave me this story. Finnegan and Murphy go out on a hunting trip for big game. So they get out and they’re hunting for this big game and as soon as they got out there a lion started towards them. They got so frightened they dropped all their ammunition and started to run. And Finnegan says to Murphy, he says, “We got to fool him. I’ll run up on a tree, and you go into a cave. We got to upset him.” So one ran up a tree and the other ran into a cave, but the lion started for the guy in the cave and he got to the entrance of the cave and the lion stopped. Lion looked a little while, turned around, and walked away. As soon as he started to walk away, Murphy came out of the cave. The lion saw him, turned around, and started for him again. Again he ran in the cave. As soon as the lion got enough of it, he walked away. As soon as he got away again, out came Murphy again. The lion started again for him. Came to the entrance, turned around, walked again and again. Murphy came out, and finally Finnegan said, “You darn fool, why don’t you let him get away a while before coming out?” He says, “I got to come out. There’s a tiger inside!”

WW: Very solid 1000 that time, Harry, on the “Can You Top This?” laugh meter, so the net result is Mr. Kettner will be the recipient of fifteen dollars from the panel. And that brings to a close tonight’s session of “Can You Top This?”