CAN YOU TOP THIS?

Original broadcast date unknown

Syndication edit

Emcee: Ward Wilson

Joke teller: Peter Donald

Panel: Senator Ford, Harry Hershfield, Joe Laurie Jr.

(Tramp, interview, nagging, shopping)

CHARLES STARK: “Can You Top This?” starring Senator Ford.

SENATOR FORD: Good evening.

CS: Harry Hershfield.

HARRY HERSHFILED: Howdy.

CS: And Joe Laurie Jr.

JOE LAURIE JR: Helloooo.

CS: And now Ward Wilson.

WARD WILSON: Thank you Charles Stark, and good evening, friends. Welcome to “Can You Top This?” Like the Army football team, we ramble on in our carefree, unrehearsed way. Our three wits do not know what jokes have been chosen until the versatile Peter Donald reads them on the air. Then they try to top them. They have no scripts, but rely on memory and ability to switch jokes to make them fit. If Peter Donald reads your submitted joke, you get ten dollars.

ROGER BOWER: And this is your host, Roger Bower. Then our panelists try to top the score on the laugh meter, registered by Peter Donald.

WW: Each time they fail to top your score, you win five dollars more, which means you may win twenty-five dollars.

RB: “Can You Top This?” is made possible by our fine sponsor.

WW: So let’s get on with the laughs, provided you fellows are all cooperative tonight. And I hate to break up that yawn of Senator Ford’s. Are you?

JL: We’re full up.

SF: Yeah.

WW: You’re all ready, eh? Alright, let’s see. Here’s the first joke, and it was sent in by Mrs. Anna Lewis of Cambridge, Massachusetts, and it’s on the subject of something I hope none of you ever become -- tramps.

JL: Who does she hate?

WW: So, Peter, it’s up to you. Tramp, tramp, tramp the gags are marching.

PETER DONALD: Well, a tramp knocks at the back door of a house and the lady of the house answers the door, and she said, “Yes, my good man, what can I do for you?” So the tramp says, “Look, lady, can you help me out? I was at the front.” She said, “Oh! My dear boy, come right in. Come right in. I usually don’t give anything to strangers, but you are obviously an unfortunate veteran, and I so understand your problem. My nephew was also at the front. He used to tell me, I think that he was a brigadier general. Maybe he said he was generally in the brig, I don’t remember, but he was… You come in and I’ll make you a nice dinner.” So she gave him his dinner. She cooked the whole works, the whole meal, right through to the coffee, and the tramp finished everything up. She said, “Now, young man, you were going to tell me your story when I answered the door. What did you start to say about being at the front?” He says, “Well, ma’am, when you interrupted I was just trying to tell you: I was at the front but when you didn’t answer I came around to the back door.”

GB: That was only 350 on the laugh meter, Ward.

WW: You allow our three wits plenty of latitude. However, Mrs. Lewis has ten dollars to start with and maybe somebody will slide under that 350. Harry, you seem to be very anxious tonight, so let’s go with you.

HH: Well, I have one of a different… This is about a vagabond, which is another form of tramp, that’s all.

WW: Why don’t you let me guess?

JL: Yes, vagabond, yeah.

HH: But this is a story about a vagabond going on the road, and he was penniless and hungry and tattered. But he was good looking. And he came to a castle. And he came to this castle, but they had a terrible tyrant of a king in there, and he had a daughter princess, and he wouldn’t let her see anybody. She had never saw a man and her heart was just breaking for romance. And he knocked at the door, and finally she said, “It maybe somebody in distress” to the king. And the king finally grudgingly opened the door. And he lets him in. “So what do you want?” He says, “I want something to eat and lodgings for the night.” She saw that he was handsome, had beautiful eyes. He saw that she was beautiful, beautiful thing. So the king grudgingly brought out the pot of beans and put it down. And she kept looking at thing vagabond and he kept looking at her. And she said, “Oh, if he would only take me in his arms and kiss me, that’s all I ask, just take me in his arms. I would love the thrill of that.” And he looked at her. But the king was a mean guy. And he grabbed the pot of beans right in the middle of his meal and took it away from him. And said, “You can get out of here, you can sleep on the ground and that’s all.” So late that night, when the king was snoring she came up on the balcony, and there was this vagabond, and she leaned over and said, “Now is your chance!” They got off the balcony, ran down to the kitchen, and finished the rest of the beans!

WW: For a moment there I thought we were off on a Fitzgerald travelogue, Harry.

SF: Say, what I’d like to know is, Ward, that wasn’t an old story, that’s a modern king. He opened his own door. No help.

JL: Can you imagine what kings are coming to? They serve you beans themselves.

PD: 1000 on the laugh meter.

WW: However, Mrs. Lewis with her 350, is still stuck with that original ten dollars, and Joe, I think your hand was up second.

JL: It was a conductor and a brakeman on a freight train. And the conductor of the freight train said to the brakeman, he said, “I saw a tramp get on. On that last car. Go back there and throw him off.” He says, “Okay.” So he runs all around, all on top of the cars, way till he comes to the last car, goes down between the cars, gets in the train, say to this guy, he says to this tramp, he says, “Get off!”Guy pulls a big revolver. He says, “Who’s going to put me off?” He says “Never mind.” Then he gets up and he runs all the way back. Conductor says, “Did you put him off?” He says, “No,” he says, “He turned out to be my cousin.” He says, “Well, cousin or no cousin, I’ll put him off.” And he runs back. Runs on top of the trains, goes down, gets in there. He says, “Get off!” The guy pulls a gun on him. So he runs back. So the brakeman says, “Did you throw him off?” He says, “No. Funny thing. He turned out to be cousin of mine too. So another fellow (Laughs. Audience laughs) So he went and ate the rest of the beans!

WW: Well, Joe, as far as I’m concerned he lay stone dead in the market, that’s… Mrs. Lewis will love you!

PD: Only 100 on the laugh meter, Ward.

WW: Which doesn’t top her 350, so she’s now the proud possessor of fifteen bucks. And Senator, we haven’t heard from you yet.

JL: Now here’s your chance.

SF: What, no beans? Well this is one of those wacky kind of gags. A silly numbnut that is all that her name implies. She has boll weevils in her minarets but she has a lot of money. So one day she decided to go on an ocean trip on one of the palatial liners. And she’s out about a day and she’s standing at the rail when a very dilapidated-looking freighter off in the distance starts blowing its horn. So she said to a sailor, “What’s that awful-looking boat there blowing its horn at our fine-looking boat here, bud?” He says, “That’s a tramp steamer.” She says, “A tramp steamer?” He says, “Yeah, that’s a tramp. It wants a nickel for a cup of coffee.” Here’s one of those nutsy things. Well anyhow, it’s a…

JL: You know, there’s a million gags about… I think there’s more gags about a a guy wants a nickel for a cup of coffee. I heard one about the only tramp in the world that had a commercial begging idea. He says, “Give me a nickel for a Maxwell House cup of coffee.” Commercial. Well, he ate the rest of the beans.

HH: I heard another one. There’s another story too about the tramp says, “Can I have two hundred dollars for a cup of coffee?” Says, “Two hundred dollars for a cup of coffee?” Says, “Yeah. I want to go to Brazil. I like it fresh.”

JL: Well, how about the guy that says…

SF: Wait a minute. I…

JL: He says, “Give me three cents for a cup of coffee.” He says, “Three cents? I thought a cup of coffee was five cents.” He says, “Who buys retail?”

WW: It’s your joke, Senator, I know that.

SF: Alright, so the guy asks for a penny for a cup of coffee. Says, “Why a penny?” Says, “I’m weak in the bean.”

JL: And I like the…

SF: Wait a minute. I didn’t tell my tramp gag yet.

WW: You told one that was a tramp, Senator. I don’t know. You got another one?

SF: Tramp steamer? No. Well, you can count the one about weak in the bean if you like.

WW: I want to count the one ahead of it.

SF: I want to tell that other thing. I was only kidding about that. The one I want to tell is about the fellow that’s going along and he sees a tramp on the corner with a hat in his hand. So he drops a coin and he walks up the street and when he comes back he sees the tramp with two hats, one in each hand. So he says, “What’s the idea of the other hat?” He says, “Well, business was so good I opened up a branch office.”

HH: I still know one about a British tramp.

WW: You should have started with the branch office, Senator. That first joke…

SF: That’s the gag. That other thing, that doesn’t mean anything.

WW: Well, I know, but I liked that one. I counted that.

SF: You haven’t got very good taste.

HH: Can I tell about the British tramp?

WW: You can’t until I finish telling about the score, Harry. Don’t rack me up, here. The first one got nothing, but the fact that it didn’t get anything got 500. So I’ll count the nothing. The last two got 1000.

SF: That’s the craziest thing I ever heard of. It got nothing, it got 5000.

WW: The fact that it got nothing got 500. Everybody seemed to like it. Now we get back to Harry with that one that…

HH: I have one about the British tramp in London. Stops an American and says, “Can I have a sixpence for a cup of tea?” This American says, “Why do you British drink so much tea?” He says, “You should taste our coffee, sir.”

WW: You might just as well have avoided that one, Harry.

JL: Well, I know another one where the fellow says, “Have you got something for a cup of coffee?” He says, “What do you think I carry, lump sugar with me?”

SF: Alright, so a fellow said, “I want a dollar sixty-five for a cup of coffee. I want to drink it at the Polo Grounds.” Is that alright?

RB: More fun, more jokes coming up in a minute after this word from our sponsor.

WW: This is one sent in by Mrs. Agnes Plant of Kew Gardens, Long Island, New York, and the subject of this joke is something I’m sure you’ve all been through at one time or another: interview. So, Peter, you can interview yourself on this one. Let’s see what the result is.

PD: Well, there are no tramps in this story at all. You know, I think it’s wonderful. You give these three fellows a story like “tramps,” a subject like “tramps,” and they all go ahead and tell bum jokes. It’s wonderful. But this is about a Brooklyn girl who, she applied for a job as housemaid and the lady of the house was interviewing her, and she said, “Well, now Phoebe, I hope we can come to terms. I’d like to have you work here. Your references are very good. You apparently cooked for your last employer seven years until his death.” She says, “Yeah. Some people are so sensitive about ptomaine poisoning, aren’t they?”She says, “I am very easy to get along with. I’m very, very easy to get along with. You just tell me what you want me to do and I’ll be most cooperative.” So the woman said, “Well,” she said, “It’s a small family. Just my husband and myself. Work isn’t hard.” She said, “To begin with, we serve breakfast at 7:30 in the morning.” She says, “At 7:30? Well, that’s awful early. But I tell you what. If I’m not up, don’t wait for me. You and your husband eat by yourselves.”

RB: 650 is what the laugh meter registers, Ward.

WW: Which gives our three boys a little latitude to wander around in, and Joe Laurie’s hand was upraised first.

JL: Fellow was laying on the sidewalk and his friend was bending over him and another one of those nosy fellows passed, and he says, “Drunk?” Guy looked up. He says, “No.” He says, “What is it, a gag?” He says, “No.” He says, “Sick?” He says, “No.” He says, “Oh, one of those dizzy spells, eh? Fell down.” He says, “No. I’ve known him all my life. He’s always been healthy.” He says, “What’s the matter with him?” He says, “Nothing. He just dropped dead!”

WW: Well, that was plenty live, Joe. That was…

RB: 1000 on the laugh meter.

WW: …topping Mrs. Plant’s 650, so she still has her original ten dollars. And Senator, I think your hand was up there second.

SF: Well, a census taker, that would come under the head of “interview,”wouldn’t it? I mean, a census taker interviewing…

WW: Yeah, that makes a little census.

SF: Well, anyway, census taker went to Fanny Fiddlecroce’s. She’s an old, old maid. She’ll never see fifty or sixty again. So the census taker said, “Name.” She said, “Fanny Fiddlecroce.” Wrote that down. Said, “Age.” She said, “Thirty.” So he wrote down thirty. “Nationality: Eskimo.” Says, “What’s the idea of writing Eskimo down there?” He says, “Lady, if you’re thirty, you must have lived at the North Pole where the days are six months long.”

WW: Well, that dood it, Senator.

RB: The laugh meter registered 1000 for that joke, Ward.

WW: Once again topping Mrs. Plant’s 650, so she’s still alone with that same ten dollars that she started with. Harry, you going to contribute to the cause?

HH: A fellow went out in a rowboat fishing. He went out in the ocean by himself, this goof. And he goes out there and he’s attacked by an octopus, and he fights this octopus off. So the newspaper hears about and says, “Well, there’s a human interest story. Fellow by himself in a rowboat fighting off an octopus.” So they sent a reporter to interview this guy. He said, “What happened?” He says, “I was out there and all of a sudden I was attacked by a big octopus. Big octopus.” Says, “I fought him off with the oar. He had all those big hands and everything. And he was going for me. And I knocked him off.” Well, he said, “Didn’t you know you were in octopus waters?” He says, “No.” Fellow says, “Didn’t you see some dark, inky fluid on the surface?” He says, “Yes, but I thought it was somebody writing underwater.

WW: Well, that completes the cycle, Harry. …that time. Yes, Joe?

JL: I’d like to tell you. This is not a joke by any means. I just thought of this. This is more philosophy. It’s about… Jack Lake told me it many years ago. I think he’s one of the greatest editors in the country. He told me about a reporter going out to interview a millionaire -- a rich millionaire. And he went out there and he saw this beautiful elm tree right next to the house of the millionaire. And he says to this millionaire, he says, “This is a wonderful tree.” He says, “Yes it is.” He says, “You see, this tree was about six miles up that hill. It still there all about a hundred years and I moved it and put it right here and some mornings when it’s nice I come out and work under it.” And the reporter says, “Isn’t this wonderful?” He says, “It just shows you if the Lord only had money what he could do!” I’m sorry.

WW: Well, I could tell you what you could do, Joe, with that one.

JL: That was…

(Applause)

WW: Well, here’s your chance with a brand new start. Our next joke comes from Harold Bernard Gothrate of Jackson, Michigan, and the subject of this round --oh, all being married, you’ll know something about this -- nagging. Nagging. So,  Pete, you take this one to task and let’s see what happens.

PD: Well, Mrs. O’Rourke, an Irish lady, was nagging her husband. She says, “Ain’t you ashamed of yourself? Ain’t you ashamed of yourself? You just sit there out there all day like a big leftover meatball. You never go out and get a job or nothing. Ah, you’re just a bum, that’s all. You’re sitting there. You’ll never amount to nothing sitting there that way.” “Now, now, Maggie, my darling,” he said, “I haven’t done any manual toil or exertion, it’s true. But after all, I’m entitled to a little rest. I fought I the war!” She says, “Yes, you did fight in the war, but we’ve been friends with Cuba for forty-eight years now! That afternoon -- this afternoon the most awful thing happened. I’m ashamed to face my friends. I went out to do my shopping and I seen you coming out of McIntee’s saloon! Ain’t you ashamed?” “This is a shame because you seen me coming out of McIntee’s saloon? For pete’s sake, you didn’t expect me to stay in there all day, did you?”

RB: High 1000 on the laugh meter for that one, Ward.

WW: And Mr. Gothrate automatically gets twenty-five dollars. Our three wits are out for nothing but laughs this time.

SF: Laurie and Hershfield had their hands up right away. They know a lot about nagging.

WW: Well, I’m a little suspicious, but eeny meeny miny moe, and so we’ll pick on Harry.

HH: Well, you know, in the European trains, the compartments, two or three or four sit in just one compartment. Different than they have in the trains here. They’re all strangers. So two fellows in civilian clothes there, Hans and this mysterious person. And Hans is smoking. And this fellow opposite says, “This is not the smoking compartment. Please stop smoking.” So Hans keeps right on smoking. And this fellow keeps nagging on the point. “You can’t smoke in here! I wouldn’t stand for this! This is not the smoking compartment!” And Hans keeps on smoking. And finally this other fellow jumps up, takes out his card, gives it to Hans, and Hans reads it. And the card reads, “General von Schnuz.” But he keeps right on smoking. And von Schnuz can’t stand it any longer, and he runs out and says to the conductor, “The man in there is smoking! It’s against the law! I want you to throw him out!” So the conductor runs in there and says, “You can’t smoke in here.” With that, Hans gives the conductor his card. Conductor looks at the card and he salutes Hans and he runs out again. The other fellow says, “You throw him out?”Says, “I’m afraid to! He ain’t been right in the head since he lost the last battle!”

RB: 900 is the final score in the laugh meter, Ward.

WW: Sort of sneaked up even at that. Doesn’t top Mr. Gothrate’s 1000 so he still has his twenty-five, and Joe, I guess you were second.

JL: Yeah. A fellow was hollering “Help! Help! Help! Help!” And a cop runs up to him and says, “What’s the matter?” He says, “What’s the matter?” He says, “My mother in law was nagging me and we had an argument and everything, and now she wants to jump out of the window.” So the cop says, “Let her jump.” He says, “What do you think I’m hollering ‘Help!’ for? I can’t open the window!”

WW: Very good, Joseph, my boy. One…

RB: One thousand on the laugh meter, Ward!

WW: …tying Mr. Gothrate’s 1000, but not topping it. The twenty-five is still there. And, Senator, how about you?

SF: Well, there were two kids talking about their families, and one kid said, “Gee, whiz. Nothing ever happens over at your house at all. It’s always nice and quiet over there.” The other kid said, “Yes. It’s always nice and quiet.” First kid says to the other, “Your people must have been married by a justice of the peace.” He said, “Over at your house, there’s always nagging and hollering and arguments and whatnot. It still looks like your family was married by a secretary of war.” (Pause) Well, there were two men standing at a bar. One was married, and the other one was too smart. So the hooked guy said, “You know, you don’t know anything about married life. It’s a wonderful thing.” The other fellow says, “Why? What makes you think I don’t know anything about married life?” He says, “Well, you never were a husband, were you?” He says, “No, I never was a husband. I never was a hen either. But I know more about good eggs than any hen in the country!”

RB: Ah, just halfway up on the laugh meter, Ward. 500 this time.

SF: Not much in the way of nagging, but it fits in the island.

JL: The tramp turned out to be his cousin.

RB: Don’t go away. We’ll have another round of jokes in a few moments.

WW: Well, here we go once again, fellows. And here’s a joke sent in by Miss Mary McWilliams of Dallas, Texas, deep in the heart of. And this one is on something that we’ll all be doing very shortly with the holidays coming up: shopping. Shopping. So, Pete, see if you can make a bargain out of this one, will you?

PD: Well, this is about my friend, Mrs. Abercrombie-Fakufnik, and she was out shopping. She went into the furniture department of a store. Says, “Oh, Mr. Clerk, come here. Come here.” She says, “We just bought a house out in the suburbs. So I want to buy something for the garden will be real snappy.” So he said, “Yes, madam? For the garden? How about a sprinkler to spray water on your flowers?” She said, “Sprinkles water? You got one that gives milk? We got mostly pussy willows.” The salesman said, “Well how about for the garden -- how about a nice hammock?” She said, “Hammock-schmammock. I wouldn’t want one. Once upon a time we had a hammock and my husband slept in it one afternoon and he woke up double like a pretzel. Like a jake-knife. Right in half.” He says, “How could your husband get doubled up by sleeping in a hammock?” She says, “Well, by mistake he hung both ends on the same hook. Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I got a wonderful idea. Maybe it would make the garden look really pretty if we had a sundial.” He said, “Yes, madam. We have some very nice sundials. Over here we have the low priced. Here’s the medium priced, and over here we have the very special kind. This is made of the finest stone. It’s got hand-tooled figures on it, and a wrought-iron dial.” She says, “Well, that’s alright, but it’s not exactly what I want.” He said, “What do you mean it’s  not exactly what you want?” She said, “Well, confidentially, you see, I want to tell the time also at night, so give me a sundial with a luminous face.”

RB: That one made the top. One thousand on the laugh meter.

WW: Once again putting our three wits out for nothing but glory and laughs, and Senator, I think your hand was upraised first.

SF: Well, here’s a little gag that I think might be alright. Ditsy Farmwardle and Dopey Dildock went out shopping, Christmas shopping. So Ditsy said, “I don’t know what to buy for me uncle George.” So Dopey said, “Why don’t you get him a tie?” Ditsy said, “Who wants a tie?” Dopey said, “Army and Notre Dame was glad to get one last Saturday.”

RB: It almost made it. But only 950 is what the laugh meter says, Ward.

WW: I don’t know what they were shopping for, but it’s alright.

SF: For a tie!

WW: Oh, I see. Shopping for a tie. Well, it’s nice to have those things understood. Harry, how about you?

HH: Mrs. Critten van Kvetch II, very very ritzy dame, who was kind of a world all to herself -- she didn’t care what went on with government or anything. Finally a big holiday came and they said that she would have to have an American flag up on her building. So she goes into a flag store, says, “I would like to buy an American flag.” So they brought out a lot of flags of different sizes, and she looked at it and says, “Fine. But have they do it any other colors besides red white and blue?”

RB: 850 on the laugh meter for that joke, Ward.

WW: Joe, it’s up to you to either…

JL: Well, a Russian refugee had a job in a cigar store. So he’s been there quite a little while and one day a woman customer comes in and he says, “I am so happy to see you today.” He says, “Because today we have a penny sale.” Said, “What do you mean a penny sale?” He says, “Today, you know the cigarettes you always buy for twenty cents a package?” She says, “Yes.” Says, “Today we give two packages for twenty-one cents.” She said, “Oh, that’s fine. I’ll take two packages for twenty-one cents.” He says, “I am sorry. We only sell one to a customer!”

RB: 750 on the laugh meter for that joke, Ward.

SF: But a little kid came into the drugstore up in my hometown and he said to the druggist, “I want some of that flesh reducing medicine.” And the druggist said, “Anti-fat?” He said, “No, it’s for me uncle.”

WW: That was the one you referred to, I trust, eh?

JL: You know the one about the fellow who goes in the sporting goods house and he says, “Give me half a ping pong table.” Says, “A half a ping pong table? What’s the idea?” He says, “My wife doesn’t play.

WW: Fellows, don’t look now, but this is only a half-hour program, and a couple more like that it’ll be shorted up.

JL: I know another…

WW: Well, on the strength of that I’m going to call a halt to you fellows tonight, because that’s just about all the time we’re going to have. But before we leave I would like to ask the audience to be sure and join “Can You Top This?” again next week. Same time, same gang, other jokes, some new, some old. Until then, we remain yours for bigger and better laughs.

SF: Senator Ford.

HH: Harry Hershfield.

JL: Joe Laurie Jr.

PD: Peter Donald.

WW: Ward Wilson.

RB: And this is your host, Roger Bower, saying so long, and take care of yourself until we meet again next time.